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Corridor of Uncertainty - The Visit

Corridor of Uncertainty - The Visit

jack torrance17 May 2016 - 13:17
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An Insightful Insight Into The Goings On Around Ladysmith

The other day, I was polishing the Morris Minor outside the B & B when who should drop by but my old drinking buddy Ian Botham. ‘Wendy’, I shouted to the missus, ‘Beefy’s here. Get the kettle on. No, forget that, get the key to the drinks cabinet’

He pushed me inside the house and hid behind the curtains. A car went past. ‘What’s up Beefy?’ He pointed at the car going up the road. ‘They’re looking for me.’ ‘Who?’ ‘B****y Vaughany and Gilo. I’ve had to suffer a b****y ball by b****y ball account of the b****y 2005 ashes b****y series, again. I escaped at the traffic lights and legged it up here. Do you think they saw me? ‘No, you’re perfectly safe here at the Overlook’.

I poured Beefy a stiff drink to calm his nerves and we chatted about all things cricket. ‘I’ve been following the team’, he said as I poured him a second glass. ‘Ladysmith? Aye, got off to a rocky start this season. All this change you see.’ I poured him a third glass. ‘There’s been a lot of shenanigans happening lately’.

I started to explain. ‘There’s a French bloke called Renee, who frankly talks a load of Gauls, now captaining the 1s’, Beefy nearly spat out his fourth drink. The 2s is run by a bloke who likes to wear a pinny with breasts (Beefy nodded his head in appreciation) and the bloke who shouts at the 3s carries a dog in his man bag.’ Beefy shook his head as I poured him another.

‘And you’ll never guess,’ I said going over to the drinks cabinet for a second bottle, ‘the French captain, his second in command who comes from Bradford (well, I ask you) and some other bloke who cuts the grass, all cleared off on their holidays last week.’ Beefy threw his arms in the air and tossed back his head. ‘In May?’ ‘I know, I know’. I passed him the pork scratchings.

‘Mind you, two of our lads got MVP awards this weekend’ I said, giving Beefy a bowl of dry roasted nuts. ‘MVP? What’s it stand for?’ ‘Haven’t a clue’ I said. ‘I was really pleased for the bloke who got the first team award in the cup game’. Beefy was now throwing the nuts into the air one by one and catching them between his teeth. ‘Young lad called Mad Man. He’s Mo Bashir’s son’. Beefy’s eyes lit up. ‘Mo? I remember that time in the back of his taxi –‘. I held up my hand. ‘We said we’d never speak of that again’. The embarrassing silence that followed was broken when Wendy brought in pepperoni pizza.

‘Who got the other award?’ asked Beefy who was now alternating between pizza and nuts. ‘The one who had the op’, I replied. Beefy screwed up his face, ‘Oh that was messy’. ‘No, not her, I mean him. You know, the one with Tourette’s.’ ‘Oh, Danny Walsh you mean?’ ‘Yes, that’s right’ I said, ‘the one with more cricket equipment than Sports Direct. I also heard that the bloke with the pinny had to call an ambulance on Saturday to resuscitate the elderly Ashton 2s opener who went for the batting world endurance record. In my day it was Kendal mint cake, a cup of tea and ‘get on with it'.'

By now, Beefy had finished all the food and was down to the last glass of alcohol in the house so I suggested we go out in the back garden to stop him getting fidgety. We looked out from back door. ‘What do you reckon?’ ‘It’s b****y huge, Jack.’ ‘I admit, it wasn’t easy fitting a maze that big in the back garden. The neighbours weren’t too keen but they don’t complain anymore’.

I gestured to Wendy to pop out to Morrisons to get some more booze then guided Beefy into the maze. He’d finished his drink. I started to panic. 'You’ll never guess what happened at the 3s game on Sunday. Some bloke from Swinton got so upset when he was given out, that he swore at the Ladysmith keeper and at the captain, you know, the bloke who wears the dog around his neck, and marched off saying he’s never playing again.’ Beefy wasn’t listening anymore. He needed a drink and Wendy wasn’t back from Morrisons. We walked further into the maze. I had to distract him.

‘That Khaleeq bloke was up to his usual tricks for the 1s on Saturday’ I laughed, ‘hogging the strike. Didn't work. And the Ladysmith bowlers were bowling wides in the last over to stop the opposition batter from getting his hundred.’ Beefy didn't say a thing. He just stared straight at me like a lion that had realised lunch was on hand.

To be continued....

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