they took note of the fact that the Mole Hill turrets had led to a reduction in the width of the pitch…in fact Lions coach Rob Dignum described the pitch as being so narrow that ‘on occasion players left the field to change their mind, it was that congested on the pitch!’

Feeling that this had given the men-in-black an advantage, Dignum and his fellow coaches hatched a cunning plan to stack the odds against their visitors. Almost immediately after their narrow victory in November the Rugby Lions’ Committee was summonsed to an emergency meeting at which Dignum laid out his plan. Although the pitch at Web Ellis Road was already more than adequate to meet RFU guidelines, Dignum wanted more….he instructed the Committee to move the clubhouse and the stand back by 20 meters each before the game scheduled for March. Although the Committee felt this was perhaps a little extreme they felt that they needed to be guided by their coaching team.

On the Thursday night before the match, captain Phil Mulvey’s selection decisions were made even harder when the Naughty Committee handed out two suspensions to players for their misbehaviour the previous week. If Mulvey had any hair he would have been tearing it out as over the next two days he went through the usual cycle of having a team, then losing players, then having more players than he knew what to do with (well you can always dream can’t you?). As if that was not bad enough the Chair had agreed to a minibus to take the players to the game stating that the Club would pay. This caused a heated debate with Mulvey and Brian Wilkins, Club Treasurer renowned for his reluctance to part with any money.

So Saturday arrived and as the players gathered Mulvey found himself making a late substitution thirty minutes before the bus was due to leave. There are suspicions that this had somehow been orchestrated by Dignum and his team as the player called up had a significant contribution in distracting the players in the lead up to the game. The player, Sam ‘Elbows’ Robinson, has a reputation for talking endlessly…or should I say talking sh*t endlessly and spend the short journey to Rugby acting like a young child persistently asking whether we were nearly there. Whilst this was bad enough, as the bus came passed the Kipling Island and Web Ellis was mentioned he said ‘Who’s he? I don’t know who he is!’ …Even the driver struggled to contain his laughter as the whole bus, including the two girlies, turned to look at him in astonishment….most could not believe that:

a) He was being serious
b) He had actually just said that on a bus of rugby minded people
c) He really was as limited in his knowledge about the game off the park as he is about the game on the park

This incident, whilst seemingly innocuous, made a significant contribution to taking the player’s minds of the task in hand. The suspicion of Dignum’s involvement in the distraction technique was confirmed when on their arrival at the ground Robinson made a bee-line to Dignum to get a pat on the head for being a good boy. (Are you bored reading yet???...I haven’t even started on the match!)

In the changing room before the match the players went through their usual preparation, scratching their man bits, grunting, checking out each other’s shower gel and spray and searching the shadows of their bags for last week’s crusty socks. In the changing room next door they could hear the Lions’ coaches launching into motivational speeches. The lads looked round for their coach but then remembered that the bus had gone back to Atherstone. It was at that point that they decided that they would take bets on what the score would be. Tom Aherne went for 85-3 (just remember that for later on), while captain Phil Mulvey went for 3-0. All players placed their bets with Chair George ‘Arthur Daley’ Bartlam going for Rugby Lions to score a ton.

As kick-off time approached, the very sophisticated new-fangled loud speaker thingy and the really impressive and imposing electronic score board thingy, the likes of which have never be seen or heard at Ratcliffe Road, counted down. A booming voice welcomed everyone and the introduced the teams. It felt like the lads were running out at Twickenham!

The whistle went and the Lions started piling on the points, making the Club Secretary / Press Secretary, Julie Douglas, very pleased that there was a score board as her abacus did not have enough beads! …Yeah they were good, yeah they had some very speedy players but the men-in-black were indeed warriors putting their bodies on the line yada yada.

Half time came and the score stood at 42-0. The time on the electronic score board was reset to 0…a cruel trick to make us think we hadn’t even started and were 42-0 down? This caused Douglas to panic as that meant she had to add 40 to the minutes shown as well as having to keep up with the score…..maths was never her strong point! Unusually for our level of the game, the Lions team went into the changing room at half time…but then I guess if you don’t have to trek over a muddy field / cricket pitch to get to our changing rooms perhaps we would take the opportunity for a bit of a warm, a loo break and further scratching of men parts! Their disappearance form the park confused the men-in-black who began to think that the supermen of the league had somehow switched on a cloaking device to listen to the half time team talk.

So what of the half-time team talk…what did that consist of? Well the first thing was to cross people of the list whose score predictions had already been passed…then it was time for the motivational speech from El capitano Mr Potato Head…’We’ve got this lads…they won’t know what’s hit them’…Andy Redman joined in…’It really is close, had I stopped the player that would have been a pivotal point of the game’. With a rousing ARC the lads got ready for battle again. And once more the loud speaker went into action getting the crowd (already displaying the characteristics of football fans by banging on the corrugated stand’s back wall each time the Lions scored) roused for the next forty minutes.

The second forty was pretty much like the first, they scored, we restarted they scored again until Andy Redman had the opportunity to turn the game on its head. Atherstone were awarded a penalty just inside their own 22. Captain Mulvey pointed to the posts…nothing ventured nothing gained. Redman obliged using his 6 million dollar man eyes to calculate the exact range and trajectory of the ball to slot the ball over. Lions were clearly concerned that this would open the flood gates so put a few more points on the board.

On the 66th minute Aherne realised that he was in with a shot to win the bet. He also knew that if he stayed on the pitch there might be an opportunity for him to score (not that he was bragging or anything but he is the top try scorer!). He decided to take matters into his own hand…he had tried throughout the match to be substituted (even going to the extent of breaking a wooden fence!) so he had to change his tactics. As Atherstone kicked off after yet another try for the Lions he went for the ball but made it look like he was fouling the player leaving the referee with no option but to send him to the bin. When he returned the score was at 80-3…he needed to do something quickly…..so he donned a white shirt (as you know it is only England, Rugby School and Rugby Lions that can wear white) and crossed the line to score the final try for the hosts …the lengths some people will go to!

Anyway, whistle went…boys went through the tunnel and the shouted each team through as they normally do…then the Atherstone lads, led by their captain went over to their opponents and applauded them, showing them the level of respect that their performance throughout the season deserved.

We got a thumping but we won on many important levels none more so than playing rugby with spirit and passion and acknowledging your opponents for their success. We may not have won the match but we certainly won friends and we wish them all continued success as they continue their journey back to the level of the game that they should be at…in other words…..it’s been fun but now fook off and leave us plebs to battle it out next season (in the nicest possible sense!)