Introduction
Tour 2009 Report - Whitley Bay - Its the old waiting game...
On Friday 27th April, 20 intrepid tourists turned up at Bolton Rugby club for the annual rugby club tour. On this occasion the location was Whitley Bay.
The day started off well with Bacon butties courtesy of the tour virgins, and a cheeky pint or three. It started off less well for Santo, who had fallen for the old trick of turning up in the wrong clothes... unlike everyone else who were dressed in their normal clothes he decided to turn up as what can only be described as a gay Billy Bob in a pink tutu.
As is tradition, before setting off we drew lots for who would get a free tour, and who would win a drink of their choice off every other tourist. 'Tour veteran' (his words not mine) Nick Bridges was the lucky recipient of the free tour and received £140 cash, whilst the free drinks were won by Paz (who quickly calculated that if he asked people for the right drinks he'd soon be well up on the £140 won by Bridges)!!
Tour shirts were then donned, tags were put on and the infamous moose cards were handed out. At this point it's probably a good idea to explain the moose cards... basically if you were caught sleazing on a less than desirable woman, you would be shown a moose card.
The tourists then made their way to the first class 'executive' coach transport arranged by Dave O'Byrne oh no hang on, the coach never materialised and instead we all had to go by car! At this point Jim Ramsell realised he'd miscalculated the number of cars required (he probably ran out of chubby sausage fingers to count on!) and had hired a car for the journey unnecessarily. Every cloud has a silver lining however, as tour virgin Paul Whittaker realised that his dung-heap of a car would probably blow up on the way and hopped in another car thanks to spade-hands.
A quick stop at the off license in Bolton, and we were ready for the journey ahead. A further miscalculation would mean that there weren't enough beers to last the whole journey ! It appears that maths (as well as 10s rugby - we'll get onto that later) isn't one of Bolton Rugby Clubs strongest points!! The journey passed without much incident, and all arrived in Whitley Bay safely.
Once in Whitley Bay, a quick shower was had by some, while the hard drinkers of the tour settled down for another pint. The tour then assembled in the hotel bar and headed out on the town, still donning tour shirts.
At this point my memory gets a little hazy. I distinctively remember drinking a lot of alcohol, and throwing out some of the most AWESOME dance moves you've ever seen in your life. At some point someone decided it would be a good idea to lose the giant strop cock, and then blame everyone else apart from himself... no names mentioned here Ian!
So many moose cards were flashed at people that they became almost pointless!! It was also at this point that our loveable hero Ian Fox got his first kiss of the weekend ! He received a grand total of 4... no one could really work out how he did it. There was the general consensus that he either uses some kind of illegal substance, or is so large that he has his own gravity in which women get trapped!!
The night ended in a grotty kebab shop at approximately 3am... bad kebabs and pizzas were consumed on an industrial basis, and all was well with the world!!
Saturday morning bright and early saw the rise of the tourists on the morning of the local 10s rugby competition, into which Bolton had entered a team.
Following a fried breakfast, washed down with a cup of tea and a beer the tour virgins were told to retire to their room and put on their special outfits. 5 minutes later they returned to the hotel bar wearing their Borat style mankinis.
At this point ladies and gentlemen, let me take this opportunity to tell you there is nothing more disturbing than seeing Ian Fox in a mankini!!! For some reason Santo once again decided to don the pink tutu style skirt as well as his mankini... all in all somewhat worrying... especially when you consider the virgins decided to wear make-up as well off their own back!!
Joe 'burger nips' Smith looked like Popeye's long term girlfriend Olive Oil, Billy Croughan was displaying a few too many ginger hairs for comfort, and Paul Whittaker seemed to be enjoying the fact the garment came with a thong a little too much.
Taxis were then called to take us to the rugby club. Amusingly the taxi drivers refused to take Ian in their taxi unless he put some more clothes- however they said all the other virgins were fine as they were... apparently too much of his arse was hanging out for comfort and they thought it was going to eat the car seat!!
When we arrived at the competition the tour virgins received a huge amount of attention, it was clearly a social day, however there were some decent teams warming up already. Bolton's finest athletes once again retired to the bar for a pre-match drink and warm up!!!
Reluctantly the tourists began to get changed. It was clear that the players weren't fully focussed on the rugby and this showed as they lined up for their first game. From the off Bolton were completely on the back foot. Tackling was lax, and much of the play was in the Bolton half by their opponents.
In a stroke of tactical genius by Paul Hunt, he substituted an average Bolton player for potentially the worst player of the tournament... the team we 'borrowed' him from assured us he was a good player, and in his own words he said 'don't worry about lineouts, I'll just throw it into the middle of the field and you can run onto it'!
As he came jogging onto the pitch with black masking tape across his nose in an American football style, and Bob the Builder elbow pads we should have really known what we were letting ourselves in for, but the alcohol of the night before had clearly dulled our senses!!
The game finished at approximately 33-0, with Bolton the team not having managed to put any points on the board.
Game two started in a similar vein, with the opposition running a couple of easy tries, however after some strong words it became clear that Bolton weren't just going to roll over.
Strong attack from Bolton started to pay dividends, and the tide of the game began to turn. The game ended with the scores at roughly 35-25, Bolton didn't manage to win but they did put a good number of points on the opposition and restored at least a little bit of pride. The games had taken their toll however, and a variety of injuries had been taken.
At this point Bolton thought their tournament was over and made a unanimous retire to the shower decision. After getting changed we found out that we had actually made it through to the next stage of the plate competition as 'best losers' however everyone had had enough at this point and decided to drink and eat instead.
Despite the poor result in the rugby, Bolton did manage to win one competition that day. We had been entered into the tug of war competition, and came away with a victory... just one win in the rugby would have been better though!
Saturday night consisted of more of the same from Friday night. The beginning of the night saw the start of a virgin pole dancing tradition, with all virgin tourists required to dance for the entertainment of others. I don't remember much of the night, but what I do remember is returning back to the hotel and finding a scene straight out of apocalypse now!! Derek, taking his job as virgin tour pest seriously had waxed, shaved and performed a number of other activities on the virgins. Somehow Derek had managed to cut his finger, meaning that there was blood everywhere... an interesting scene to say the least!
Sunday was Billy Bob day, and the tourist gathered once again in the hotel bar... this time clothed in the tour fancy dress of 'Billy Bob'... with the exception of Shamus who was wearing his own clothes!!!
As part of the Billy Bob theme, people who were punished by the tour court were required to undertake a bush tucker trial... and assembled for this purpose were a variety of crickets, worms and water beetles. Needless to say much spewing was done by all, and this triggered one of the funniest things I have ever seen!!!
Following a punishment, Ian Fox was made to eat some form of beetle. He ate it and then promptly started to heave, running outside to be sick. Unfortunately Santo was already outside, and Ian in the process of being sick managed to accidently spew on him. Santo responded by spewing on Ian, and then what can only be described as a vomit fight began. Both combatants ran out of stomach contents, and then moved onto spit, ear wax and snot... basically anything they could find.
Typing this now I find myself thinking maybe it doesn't read as amusing as it actually was, but rest assured it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
Following the court session, Derek took the virgins outside in their mankinis and walked them down to the seafront for their initiation in 'elephant' formation i.e. holding each others 'trunks'!!!
They were stood at the top of an entrance ramp to the beach, where Derek gave them the brief that they needed to run down and throw themselves in the sea. Whoever came last would be punished. Hearing this Ian turned and started running down the ramp, not waiting for Derek to finish talking and give the command to go as he knew he would be last. Needless to stay, he still was last anyway as all the other virgins went jogging past him with ease.
Derek is a worrying individual; I've heard all the stories but this tour I saw for myself what he's like. I can only describe him as an effeminate prison camp officer, watching him is like seeing a real life character from the rocky horror picture show!
We then got changed and dressed and went out for yet another day on the beer. An impromptu YMCA dancing session by the virgins on seafront, and a number of drinking games being the highlight of the day.
The evening was 'interesting'... Whitley Bay is basically dead on a Sunday night, so it took us a while to find somewhere to drink. We entered one pub and bumped into a hen party, who demanded some entertainment. We obliged by forcing tour virgin Paul Whittaker to strip naked and pole dance for them- like I said it was something of a weekend theme!!
I also have a vague memory of him humping a woman on the floor... nice! Most of the tourists had got changed out of their Billy Bob outfits, and Shamus took a massive amount of stick from people who thought he naturally looked like a Billy Bob without a costume - Shamus you can take your teeth out now!!
Monday morning was emotional. Following a quick chat and breakfast, we left the Bay early doors and headed back to Bolton. Danny managed to get all the way back to Bolton holding in his vomit and then spewed on my road. thanks for that Dan.
I'm also told that some interesting activities happened in the Fox car on the way home. I'm led to believe it took about 6 hours, 5 arguments, 2 petrol stops, a bottle of coke, a tube of Pringles and a cut open eye (courtesy of the tour 'veteran') before they finally managed to get back to Bolton.
As the length of this report will probably show you, tour this year was absolutely brilliant... with so many amazing memories and stories to take away. Those of you that are virgins, it really isn't that bad - just ask some of the virgins from this year.
Get yourselves on tour with your mates next year and have a laugh!
Massive thanks to Dave O'Byrne and the rest of the tourists for a quality weekend, I can't wait for next year!!
On Friday 27th April, 20 intrepid tourists turned up at Bolton Rugby club for the annual rugby club tour. On this occasion the location was Whitley Bay.
The day started off well with Bacon butties courtesy of the tour virgins, and a cheeky pint or three. It started off less well for Santo, who had fallen for the old trick of turning up in the wrong clothes... unlike everyone else who were dressed in their normal clothes he decided to turn up as what can only be described as a gay Billy Bob in a pink tutu.
As is tradition, before setting off we drew lots for who would get a free tour, and who would win a drink of their choice off every other tourist. 'Tour veteran' (his words not mine) Nick Bridges was the lucky recipient of the free tour and received £140 cash, whilst the free drinks were won by Paz (who quickly calculated that if he asked people for the right drinks he'd soon be well up on the £140 won by Bridges)!!
Tour shirts were then donned, tags were put on and the infamous moose cards were handed out. At this point it's probably a good idea to explain the moose cards... basically if you were caught sleazing on a less than desirable woman, you would be shown a moose card.
The tourists then made their way to the first class 'executive' coach transport arranged by Dave O'Byrne oh no hang on, the coach never materialised and instead we all had to go by car! At this point Jim Ramsell realised he'd miscalculated the number of cars required (he probably ran out of chubby sausage fingers to count on!) and had hired a car for the journey unnecessarily. Every cloud has a silver lining however, as tour virgin Paul Whittaker realised that his dung-heap of a car would probably blow up on the way and hopped in another car thanks to spade-hands.
A quick stop at the off license in Bolton, and we were ready for the journey ahead. A further miscalculation would mean that there weren't enough beers to last the whole journey ! It appears that maths (as well as 10s rugby - we'll get onto that later) isn't one of Bolton Rugby Clubs strongest points!! The journey passed without much incident, and all arrived in Whitley Bay safely.
Once in Whitley Bay, a quick shower was had by some, while the hard drinkers of the tour settled down for another pint. The tour then assembled in the hotel bar and headed out on the town, still donning tour shirts.
At this point my memory gets a little hazy. I distinctively remember drinking a lot of alcohol, and throwing out some of the most AWESOME dance moves you've ever seen in your life. At some point someone decided it would be a good idea to lose the giant strop cock, and then blame everyone else apart from himself... no names mentioned here Ian!
So many moose cards were flashed at people that they became almost pointless!! It was also at this point that our loveable hero Ian Fox got his first kiss of the weekend ! He received a grand total of 4... no one could really work out how he did it. There was the general consensus that he either uses some kind of illegal substance, or is so large that he has his own gravity in which women get trapped!!
The night ended in a grotty kebab shop at approximately 3am... bad kebabs and pizzas were consumed on an industrial basis, and all was well with the world!!
Saturday morning bright and early saw the rise of the tourists on the morning of the local 10s rugby competition, into which Bolton had entered a team.
Following a fried breakfast, washed down with a cup of tea and a beer the tour virgins were told to retire to their room and put on their special outfits. 5 minutes later they returned to the hotel bar wearing their Borat style mankinis.
At this point ladies and gentlemen, let me take this opportunity to tell you there is nothing more disturbing than seeing Ian Fox in a mankini!!! For some reason Santo once again decided to don the pink tutu style skirt as well as his mankini... all in all somewhat worrying... especially when you consider the virgins decided to wear make-up as well off their own back!!
Joe 'burger nips' Smith looked like Popeye's long term girlfriend Olive Oil, Billy Croughan was displaying a few too many ginger hairs for comfort, and Paul Whittaker seemed to be enjoying the fact the garment came with a thong a little too much.
Taxis were then called to take us to the rugby club. Amusingly the taxi drivers refused to take Ian in their taxi unless he put some more clothes- however they said all the other virgins were fine as they were... apparently too much of his arse was hanging out for comfort and they thought it was going to eat the car seat!!
When we arrived at the competition the tour virgins received a huge amount of attention, it was clearly a social day, however there were some decent teams warming up already. Bolton's finest athletes once again retired to the bar for a pre-match drink and warm up!!!
Reluctantly the tourists began to get changed. It was clear that the players weren't fully focussed on the rugby and this showed as they lined up for their first game. From the off Bolton were completely on the back foot. Tackling was lax, and much of the play was in the Bolton half by their opponents.
In a stroke of tactical genius by Paul Hunt, he substituted an average Bolton player for potentially the worst player of the tournament... the team we 'borrowed' him from assured us he was a good player, and in his own words he said 'don't worry about lineouts, I'll just throw it into the middle of the field and you can run onto it'!
As he came jogging onto the pitch with black masking tape across his nose in an American football style, and Bob the Builder elbow pads we should have really known what we were letting ourselves in for, but the alcohol of the night before had clearly dulled our senses!!
The game finished at approximately 33-0, with Bolton the team not having managed to put any points on the board.
Game two started in a similar vein, with the opposition running a couple of easy tries, however after some strong words it became clear that Bolton weren't just going to roll over.
Strong attack from Bolton started to pay dividends, and the tide of the game began to turn. The game ended with the scores at roughly 35-25, Bolton didn't manage to win but they did put a good number of points on the opposition and restored at least a little bit of pride. The games had taken their toll however, and a variety of injuries had been taken.
At this point Bolton thought their tournament was over and made a unanimous retire to the shower decision. After getting changed we found out that we had actually made it through to the next stage of the plate competition as 'best losers' however everyone had had enough at this point and decided to drink and eat instead.
Despite the poor result in the rugby, Bolton did manage to win one competition that day. We had been entered into the tug of war competition, and came away with a victory... just one win in the rugby would have been better though!
Saturday night consisted of more of the same from Friday night. The beginning of the night saw the start of a virgin pole dancing tradition, with all virgin tourists required to dance for the entertainment of others. I don't remember much of the night, but what I do remember is returning back to the hotel and finding a scene straight out of apocalypse now!! Derek, taking his job as virgin tour pest seriously had waxed, shaved and performed a number of other activities on the virgins. Somehow Derek had managed to cut his finger, meaning that there was blood everywhere... an interesting scene to say the least!
Sunday was Billy Bob day, and the tourist gathered once again in the hotel bar... this time clothed in the tour fancy dress of 'Billy Bob'... with the exception of Shamus who was wearing his own clothes!!!
As part of the Billy Bob theme, people who were punished by the tour court were required to undertake a bush tucker trial... and assembled for this purpose were a variety of crickets, worms and water beetles. Needless to say much spewing was done by all, and this triggered one of the funniest things I have ever seen!!!
Following a punishment, Ian Fox was made to eat some form of beetle. He ate it and then promptly started to heave, running outside to be sick. Unfortunately Santo was already outside, and Ian in the process of being sick managed to accidently spew on him. Santo responded by spewing on Ian, and then what can only be described as a vomit fight began. Both combatants ran out of stomach contents, and then moved onto spit, ear wax and snot... basically anything they could find.
Typing this now I find myself thinking maybe it doesn't read as amusing as it actually was, but rest assured it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
Following the court session, Derek took the virgins outside in their mankinis and walked them down to the seafront for their initiation in 'elephant' formation i.e. holding each others 'trunks'!!!
They were stood at the top of an entrance ramp to the beach, where Derek gave them the brief that they needed to run down and throw themselves in the sea. Whoever came last would be punished. Hearing this Ian turned and started running down the ramp, not waiting for Derek to finish talking and give the command to go as he knew he would be last. Needless to stay, he still was last anyway as all the other virgins went jogging past him with ease.
Derek is a worrying individual; I've heard all the stories but this tour I saw for myself what he's like. I can only describe him as an effeminate prison camp officer, watching him is like seeing a real life character from the rocky horror picture show!
We then got changed and dressed and went out for yet another day on the beer. An impromptu YMCA dancing session by the virgins on seafront, and a number of drinking games being the highlight of the day.
The evening was 'interesting'... Whitley Bay is basically dead on a Sunday night, so it took us a while to find somewhere to drink. We entered one pub and bumped into a hen party, who demanded some entertainment. We obliged by forcing tour virgin Paul Whittaker to strip naked and pole dance for them- like I said it was something of a weekend theme!!
I also have a vague memory of him humping a woman on the floor... nice! Most of the tourists had got changed out of their Billy Bob outfits, and Shamus took a massive amount of stick from people who thought he naturally looked like a Billy Bob without a costume - Shamus you can take your teeth out now!!
Monday morning was emotional. Following a quick chat and breakfast, we left the Bay early doors and headed back to Bolton. Danny managed to get all the way back to Bolton holding in his vomit and then spewed on my road. thanks for that Dan.
I'm also told that some interesting activities happened in the Fox car on the way home. I'm led to believe it took about 6 hours, 5 arguments, 2 petrol stops, a bottle of coke, a tube of Pringles and a cut open eye (courtesy of the tour 'veteran') before they finally managed to get back to Bolton.
As the length of this report will probably show you, tour this year was absolutely brilliant... with so many amazing memories and stories to take away. Those of you that are virgins, it really isn't that bad - just ask some of the virgins from this year.
Get yourselves on tour with your mates next year and have a laugh!
Massive thanks to Dave O'Byrne and the rest of the tourists for a quality weekend, I can't wait for next year!!
RSS Feeds