In attempt to unfurrow the brow and take my mind off these troubled times (and the league table), over the past fortnight I have moved on to a new diet. Not one of your new fangled calorie counters, or one which involves eating dust on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but a method of sustenance first pioneered by that grand old dame of British nut hatches, Helena the Comtesse de Noailles in the nineteenth century.

Old Helena roared on to her nineties, so it must have something going for it. Yes my friends, I am now on the champagne, milk and methane diet, although manoeuvring a cow to fart obligingly through the kitchen window every morning is proving to be somewhat taxing.

Before we turn the page to look at our game this weekend, I thought I might just highlight a few celebrity birthdays which are upon us. Our very own Brett Mitchell enjoys an anniversary on Friday so please wish him all the best when you see him at the club on Saturday. Brett’s big day is followed by Lisa Stansfield, Jezza Clarkson, Bob Harris and Balls Mahoney who celebrate their big day on Saturday.

I knew absolutely nothing about your man Mahoney, an American Wrestler by trade, until I began researching this diatribe, but as I googly woogleyed about the information superhighway, for obvious reasons his name leapt off the Wikipage. Now Balls, as his mates call him, also goes by the nickname “The Hardcore Chair Swinging Freak”, which is possibly the least catchy name I have ever heard, but there again I also don’t understand Americans or their Wrestling. Apparently his signature moves in the ring are known as the “Ball Breaker”, “The Camel Clutch” and “the Nutcracker Suite”. So now you know. I feel a better man for sharing this with you.

Bob Harris? You don’t know who Bob Harris is? A man who bestrode the Seventies like a colossus in loon pants – and known to those of us who’s age and waistline are over 38 and a bit as “Whisperin’” Bob Harris. Back in the days before all this digital connectivity, in fact back before we even had Channel 4, the only regular place you could find any music that was not Top 40 guff was a little TV show called the Old Grey Whistle Test, late on a Tuesday night on BBC2. Whisperin’ Bob was the presenter on the OGWT, and was therefore a seminal figure in the youth of us now rather portly rocker types.
We might get dewy eyed now, but frankly the Old Grey Whistle test was terrible and Bob was little better, possibly the most inaudible and immobile broadcaster to take to the airwaves until Channel 5 gave a cadaver its own series.

Anyway, my new diet has added a special spring to my ungainly step as we prepare to face the Monkey loving folk from the Western hemisphere of Hartlepool this Saturday. It promises to be a nail-biter as we are both in need of points and the tussle between us up on the North East coast earlier in the season ended in a 32 points apiece stalemate.

We were missing the services of Messrs Tafa and Dixon in midfield, who are both scheduled to be back in the saddle this weekend, but nevertheless the boys showed some degree of steel as we battled back from a 19 point deficit in the second half to claim a the draw right at the death. It was pretty murky out there by the time Ryan rumbled over in the left hand corner and Scully slotted a difficult looking conversion from out wide.
I am sure that our friends from the North East will point to the fact the game changed when they were down to 13 men, but we were complicit in allowing the home side to build that 19 point lead as we gave away some silly points either side of the break.

I had a dig about on the West Hartlepool website to give you some startling insight into the Wests’ side, but unfortunately the stats on the site are for last season. One major change I have noticed from the side we drew with earlier in the season is that scrum half Stu Waites lined up at full back against us first time round and with Dan Boatman returning to the side we will be facing at least one of the Boatman brothers we have faced a few times down the seasons.
Although they are nine points north of us in the ladder, West Hartlepool themselves are not entirely out of the woods as they could possibly be overtaken by any one of ourselves, Northern or Driffield if Wests do not garner any more points and one of the teams below wins both of their remaining games with a bonus or two.

However salvation will be at hand if they trouser a point on Saturday. Such a result should see the non-monkey hanging districts of Hartlepool throwing their hats high as they also have 12 wins and will therefore be safe from the purgatory, wailing and general gnashing of teeth which accompanies the drop through the bomb doors.

The Wests path to salvation was greatly helped by their superb win over Percy Park last time out. We all thought Percy and his boys were decent coves, but it seems not; although I have to say fair play to Wests as they have pulled themselves up by their bootstraps over the last few fixtures and their win over the PP Boys is a belter in anyone’s book.

Talking of last time out, for those who travelled south on our flotilla of charabancs through the Peoples Republic of South Yorkshire to visit Wheatley Hills, was anyone else puzzled by the complete lack of hills? I hardly noticed a pimple or a mound never mind anything that would remotely qualify as a hill. Flat as a witch’s wotzit, as I believe Churchill famously said, although it wasnt one of his speeches you see most often quoted.

The other big results from a fortnight ago are obviously the games concerning our rivals down here among the dead men. Northern did the decent thing and took a man sized hiding for our benefit. Driffield were a bit cheeky over there at the Stade de Lisa Stansfield, getting to within two of The Dale. That was not in the plan; we don’t pay our council tax for Driffield to go burgling points like that.
The results of the games featuring Driffield and Northern will again be our focus come 5pm this Saturday. Surely to goodness, Betty’s Boys from over Rombalds moor must do the decent thing this and give Driffield a fearful thrashing? Ilkley’s recent form points to just such an away win, as the Hat Refusers have won 12 games in a row and last tasted defeat on 29th November when they lost at Northern 22-16. However, only a week later, Ilkley hosted Driffield and summarily opened a can of whoop-ass on the Wold dwellers, running away with it 48-16.

Northern hosts Horden in a game which you would have to pencil in as a home win, as the poor chaps from Horden have had a pretty rotten season all round, winning only 2 games all the livelong year. They did beat the Old Corsodylians but lost the home fixture against Northern 34-15, which might be more relevant as we consider this weekend’s joust.

As I say each time anyone points to our vastly superior points’ difference, the next criteria the RFU uses is in deciding who gets their pants pulled down come season end is games won. I think it is the “games won” rule which means Alnwick are now safe; they have 12 wins tucked into their jockey shorts and no matter what size of rabbit we fashion from the hat over the next two Saturdays, we can only muster 10. Alnwick have 58 points on the table and that is the highest we can reach.

Driffield are perched on 51 and have pinched a couple of unexpected bonus points lately and maybe they might just nick one this week off the Henrys, (but please, not two, lads) before they trek up to Horden for the final showdown next week. If Driffield land on 56, 57 or 58 points after their games against Ilkley and Horden, they will have also have won 10 games. The good news is that should we finish up even Steven with them and have won ten games by season end, we would prevail as we have a superior points’ difference and all that good stuff.

Northern sit alongside us on the greasier branches of the tree, but their final two games, against Horden and then Alnwick are not loaded with as many banana skins as you would like, if you are wearing Bee tinted glasses. I have been knee deep in tea leaves and crystal balls all week and have stirred up a prediction that Northern will finish the season on 55 points. Which cuts our cloth for us: two wins and we are safe.

However, don’t take my word for it. Keep your knees crossed, Maureen.
Shall we meet behind the bike shed?