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Another view from behind the dog's leg

Another view from behind the dog's leg

Nick Patterson20 Mar 2015 - 13:55
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It's the last weekend of the 6 Nations and we keep up the International Competition by welcoming Scotland's Finest, Alnwick, to the Hive

As Jimmy Greaves might have said, it’s been a funny old week, what with the Northern Lights visible from the back room of the Fox and Gynaecologist; the lunar/solar eclipse; the Astronomical Spring Equinox and the 30th Anniversary of Neighbours – an impressive array of celestial happenings all stacked up in the same short time frame.

Perhaps this is the sign we have been waiting for and the Man upstairs is about to smile on the Bee Nation this weekend as we prepare to welcome our friends from Scotland, Alnwick. Although, hoping for an intervention from the Man upstairs is a strange concept for me as I live in a bungalow.

Last week was a reserve week and only Alnwick and Rochdale were called into action on the field of honour and the sons of Lisa Stansfield squeezed out our visitors by the narrow margin of 19-16.

This lack of on field action gives me even more scope to waffle on ad infinitum in these paragraphs and this week I feel an unstoppable urge to discuss The Phantom Time Hypothesis, first put forward by a favourite nutter of mine, Heribert Illig. A German by birth, old Heribert seems to have fully embraced the lifestyle of an old fashioned English eccentric and as a Flat Earther myself, he wins my vote. What a top bloke, he should run the RFU.

I won’t waste too many of these precious seconds we enjoy together by explaining the whole ins and outs of the hypothesis, but in a nutshell, old Heribert would have us believe that a conspiracy by the Holy Roman Emperor Otto II, Pope Sylvester II, and possibly the Byzantine Emperor Constantine VII fabricated a dating system that placed them at the special year of AD 1000, and to rewrite history, inventing the heroic figure of Charlemagne among other things. Illig’s theory is that this was achieved through the alteration, misrepresentation, and forgery of documentary and physical evidence, which added three whole spurious centuries to the calendar. According to Heribert, we are actually somewhere around 1715, not 2015…

So, what do we know about Alnwick? Well, after a quick check on the old wiki, I have discovered that our opponents this week are not in fact from Scotland, although there will be a passport check when they arrive at Wagon Lane. Perhaps these stories about our visitors should be called Alnwickdotes?

The history of Alnwick is dominated by the history of the castle and its lords, which after a fair bit of shilly-shallying in the early years, passed into the hands of the Percy family in 1309. These are the very same rabble of Percys who lend their name to the Percy Parka Rugby Club, I believe. It seems that after a family tiff some of the Percy clan settled in Newcastle and became mods, while the men of Alnwick went upstream, grew their hair and became the Rockers.

The early years of Alnwick are dominated by the constant wars between the Percys and the heathens in ginger from over the wall. Malcolm III of Scotland was killed during the first Battle of Alnwick (1093), and they probably still march about the streets of Auchtermuchty wailing a lament or threatening vengeance to this day.

One particular tradition in Alnwick caught my eye whilst researching this drivel. This is known as “Scoring the Hales”. This is a large scale annual Shrovetide football match. The match involves about 150 men on either side and is a contest between the parishes of St Michael and St Paul. The goals stand about 400 yards apart. Originally the good folk of Alnwick could not afford a football so allegedly kicked a Scotsman’s head about, allegedly. The game is won by whichever team is first to score 2 "hales" or goals, after which the ball is carried to the river and thrown in. Whoever manages to get it out at the far side of the river is allowed to keep the ball, but they have to swim the River Aln to get it.

I feel this might open a tactical door for us on Saturday. If we constantly belt the ball over the stand into the River Aire and shout “fetch”, surely it will be too much of a temptation for the Alnwick boys not to leap up the mound and into the Brown Swilly and be thus carried off to Saltaire. When they have emptied their bench, we can start to gain a man advantage with each Alnwickian Percy who makes the leap. Simples.

When there was last a full league programme, the teams around us all did well, with the exception of Northern who had the good grace to take a walloping from Sheffield. Well done, Northern, but I am afraid I will have to aim a hard stare at West Hartlepool having the audacity to sneak four points while no-one was watching.

The games we will all be listening out for come Five O’clock this Saturday will still feature the usual suspects, Driffield, Northern, Old Corsodylians, Northern and West Hartepool. I will resign my membership of the Flat Earth Society if they all win or indeed all lose, but obviously I will have everything crossed and will be fiddling with your rosaries in the hope that they all fall on the field of battle.

I feel it in my water that Driffield might beat Sheffield this week and thereby just about guarantee their safety this season. For no logical reason I set the safety barrier at 56 points a few weeks back and I think that will still be the mark required to stay up.

Rochdale have wobbled lately, with narrow wins over Crocs (1pt.) and Alnwick (3 pts) so their trip to the false north, to face the relatively Southern Jessies at Northern, does not look certain to go the right way for us either, but let’s hope the Lisa’s Lads shape up and give Northern what for.

The Crocs have been improving recently, but I can’t see them beating Betty’s second team, although the word drifting across Rombald’s Moor is that all is not sweetness and light Chez Betty. Their refusal to wear a hat will ultimately end in tears, I’m sure. Even if the Crocs do pull a rather large one out of the hat they remain safely below us, so the focus for us remains upwards and our attempt to rag a hole in the pants of the teams above us.

I fancy West Hartlepool providing us with a primary target as they leave the familiar climes of the Cote de Monkey Hanger and venture across to the Hollywood Hills of Wheatley. Unfortunately Wheatley are probably safe so might just ease off, allowing the Westies to sneak in through the tradesman’s entrance. Ooooh dear, the more I look at these fixtures, the harder I am finding it to keep this glass half full. But I will…

Looking at the remaining fixtures for all the teams larking about down here in the weeds, you don’t need me to point out the good news in there that the non-monkey hanging side of Hartlepool have three away games in their final four or that Driffield have to play the top three, but I have just done that anyway. I still harbour hopes that Northern will come a cropper before too long and I hope the crate of banana skins marinated in baby oil I have left scattered around their remaining fixtures might bear fruit.

In next week’s lecture I might find time to discuss the works of Ignatius L. Donnelley, another one who barked at the moon and authored such fine works as: Ragnarok: The Age of Fire and Gravel, and The Great Cryptogram. Alternatively, I might just write about Rugby.

Pip, Pip

Scoop

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