. Game 22 of the season and we are on the road again, this time to NE33 4EA, the home of Biffa and his chums at Westoe, 104 miles, 2 hours and seven minutes to the North East of us.

The boys did well to run in five scores last week, but Waterloo’s five at the other end, plus their successes with the boot, meant we only garnered a single point. The gap between us and fellow bottom feeders, Waterloo and Percy Park,has now been extended to eight between us and the Beatles, and a whole 9 to the Parkas, who still have two games in hand.

Peaking up from under our rock, precariously balanced on the edge of the abyss, it appears the only other side who might possibly still be fearing the greasy pole are Billingham, who lost the Geordie love-in last week with Westoe and face a tough looking run in to the end of the season. We have to visit the Inghams, just before Mother’s Day, but as they have already burgled 42 league points, even if we took five from them, we would still be eight adrift.

We remain adrift with the glass half full, though. We have 25 points available from these fixtures: Biffa Bacon and the Inghams away; Sale, Beverley and Burnage at Wagon Lane. I will let you come up with your own points allocation from those fixtures, I don’t have the necessary kahunas to start making pronouncements on our fortunes out loud.

However, as I mentioned, only 81 words ago, the Inghams have a difficult clump of fixtures, as they entertain Sale and the Lockwood Park Trawlermen, along with hosting The Bees. They must climb aboard a Wallace Arnold to visit Burnage and Beverley. I don’t know how points you would award them if you were on the Luxembourg jury, but the day The Bees come to town may be their best chance of a “w” and obviously we are not going to be overly keen to let them claim owt from that fixture.

It’s not overly easy for the Parkas either, as they host Morley, Rossendale and Stockport, but have to schlepp their weary bones to Sale, Sandal, Waterloo and Huddersfield. If I was praying for a plague of frogs to come and influence our season, I think Percy maybe knee deep in amphibians with that itinerary and I can see them struggling to peep beyond the 40 point mark.

Waterloo are the final one of the hapless bunch down here at the wrong end. They entertain Burnage, Morley and Percy Park. They face road trips to Huddersfield and Penrith. With a prevailing wind I wouldn’t say it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that they might actually touch the half century.

Gotterdammerung – The twilight of the Gods. I’m sure you all know and love Wagner’s Karaoke classic. What has it to do with this week in National Three North I hear that noisy woman at the back asking. Well, Gotterdammerung is the very opera which gave rise to the phrase “it’s not over ‘til the fat lady sings”, featuring as it does a generously upholstered female lead, in a winged helmet, the splendidly named Brunnhilde.

Aside from the fear of singing fat ladies, which has had me and a good slice of Bingley paralysed this week, the old Twiglet of the Gods it is a toe tapping operatic favourite come bath time chez moi, although at around four hours from soup to nuts, it’s a bit overlong to soundtrack our daily ablutions, the old rub down with the Swarfega and a wire brush.

I am told by those of a higher brow that it was one of Tricky Dicky Wagner’s best, forming as it does the fourth part of his Ring Cycle. For anyone who now has time on their hands having got to the end of “Breaking Bad”, before the next series of “24” starts, you could cure your need for epic and long running entertainment by listening to all seventeen hours of the aforementioned Ring Cycle. On the other hand, those of you with a life and with seven minutes to spare can get most of the same story condensed into the 1957 Bugs Bunny Cartoon, “What’s Opera, Doc?” which was recently voted the best ever animated short by industry insiders. Recommended viewing; tell them Scoop sent you.

I had no idea that the current travails of the Bees were so closely followed in operatic and amateur dramatic circles, but imagine my shock this past Sunday morning as I climbed into a clean onesie and blinked into the early morning light to see a Viking longboat, brim full of Brunnhildes, cruising along the Leeds Liverpool canal in my direction. The boat full of Valkyries were in full choral war cry, apparently asking for directions to the burning of Valhalla; or failing that, a local sporting club where they had heard there may be a need for a big bird to lead the community sing song. .

I gave them short shrift and sent them on their way back up the Aire Valley, but sadly with five games on the ledger, we are in urgent need of some kind of redemption to keep us from the darkness below and the ignominy of swapping places with Cleckheaton.

Anyway, grapple fans, I will leave you with this thought from Elmer Fudd:

“Kill the Wabbit”.