Irlam Vs Burscough report by Fungal Punk

An mid-season scuffle this one to try and break out from the clutching hands of Mother Relegation and dwell in arms of relative safety and set about playing some relaxed football. Irlam are on a run best described as 'wank' whereas Burscough started the season poorly but have dug in and clawed their way up the league and reached the intoxicating heights of 16th. They are far from a place of pleasure though and a few slips and into the dreaded death zone they will drop. As you can see, this one was looking a tasty affair. The morn was spent having a blaze in the back garden and revisiting my lost arson-based youth. A fact you may not know about your friendly scribbler is that in his early days he was so obsessed by the charm of the flame he tried to change his name by deed Poll to Arson Wells and star in a remake of Blazing Saddles, this time with actual arses on fire. It never came off, I spent several years on the psychiatric couch and have been on water tablets ever since - bah. Away from the twaddled digression and back to the day - dinner, a visit to the charity shop to drop off some donations and to the Ambitek Stadium we went. Tea purchased, a sit in the clubhouse and a nice chat. Outside and chips purchased, places found, a read and a natter with Matty Kay (Irlam's Assistant Manager) and a disgruntled Burscough die-hard (both fine chaps). The gladiators duly appeared and, as in the words of that renowned darts nutter Sid Waddell it was 'game on' rather than 'Get yer hands off me bulls-eye mate or I'll tweak yer trebles' - ooh the sexy bastard!

The first onslaught came via the guest team, No 7 (Terry Cummings) being a nuisance and feeding No 2 (Daniel Brady) who crossed low with pace. The keeper read the early danger and was down to gather - good work. Another Burscough attack came but Irlam used it to counterpunch, alas the end shot lacked any pace and was easily dealt with. Burscough were having the better of things early on with Cummings and No 9 (Chad Whyte) both problematic players and ones to watch closely. A brace of back-to-back corners were had, nothing came of them but a follow up cross found the crust of the rising No 5 (Luke Gibson) and in truth, the ball should have been buried. Burscough came once more after a somewhat settled period. A ball was nudged through, Whyte was way offside but play was allowed to continue. A cross went forth, the mittman punched and Cummings tried a cheeky lob toward the goal. A defensive bonse did enough and a follow-up shot was well blocked, Irlam were hanging on here. Soon after Cummings threaded through a group of 3 players. He turned on the pace, left the trio in his wake and crossed with total ease. Whyte pounced like a blow fly on a recently passed turd, he slipped the ball home without fuss and got his team their just reward for a very eager start.

A claggy patch followed, an Irlam injury knocked the flow out of the game but The Green Army found impetus first and Whyte broke and passed to No 10 (Dylan Hodkinson) who let go a stunning shot that just missed the far top corner - it was worthy of a goal, unlucky brother. A touch of Deja vu next when Whyte was once again in an offside role, given free rein to run on and allowed to pick his shot. Luckily for the home 'erberts their No 1 (Lee White) produced a ruddy good block and kept his side right in the mix. From off the back foot Irlam cultivated a rare thrust forth. No 7 (Daniel Greene) put in some fine work, laid the ball off to super-sub No 15 (Isaac Illidge) who thumped like a donkey on steroids and rippled the net with power - 1 - 1 - a perfect response to much pressure. A free-kick for the Ambitek Army soon after saw the head of No 6 (Ryan Ledson) get duly glanced, it caused no problems but indicated that the fight back was fully underway. A more balanced game followed, Irlam were willing to do much dirty work, Burscough were looking to produce something worthwhile for their efforts. Whyte and Hodkinson for Burscough combined in the box towards the back end of the half with the latter player hitting the side netting although a few in the crowd thought he had actually scored. Cummings came next, he was having a good half this lad, but No 3 (Joel Amado) was now reading the play and defended well and quelled all threat. A scrappy end to the first 45 was played out but, in truth, Irlam could have pilfered the lead when a close in shot was finely blocked by a very alert and agile keeper. We stayed at 1 -1 when the referee blew, I think Irlam were happiest with the scoreline and Burscough were rueing several missed chances. That's football, especially at the gloriously real and unpredictable level.

Tea was slurped at half-time, a ginger biscuit consumed and a pootle to have a piddle. I could have thrashed another tray of chips but I am being good at the moment and trying to shed a few pounds - besides I never did want to play for Fat Bastard Utd and Blubber Bollocks City could never afford my wage demands. I have standards don't ya know!

Half two, the Silver Street residents were out quickest with some good mithering play finalised by a hefty shot from Illidge. Alas the bugger was leaning back a little too much and the shot wouldn't stay down - I may send him a girdle so that his back can stay more upright! The visitors bounced back, No 12 (Tom Croughan) was hopeful with his effort and yet was disappointed to see the globe swing wide. This was all to play for, a real touch and go game, with the ball going one way and back the other, each time panic rising and some marvellous defending being exhibited. No 5 (Steven Mills) had the next pop at the mesh but his crown was too firm and the header he produced was knocked over the bar. Suddenly Irlam caught fire, a blazing attack saw No 9 (Jordan Icely) receive and look to shoot. No 3 (Alexander Parkes) of Burscough was strong and resolute and doused the danger with efficient waters of cultured talent - a noteworthy effort sir. A corner was knocked in, the ball went all ways and it was a shame that No 8's (Liam Morrison) shot was tame and easily gathered. Another flashing Shack Shaker followed, Icely was the last man again and boy this was a lousy miss - would this be costly, would confidence be the deciding factor in this tumultuous game?

The home side were now primarily controlling matters with several more lightning breaks forcing the Burscough rear guard to be on their hard worked toes. Greene and Icely combined next, the latter bod burning with passion and mightily unlucky only to get a corner for his exertions. The resultant ball in was choice, the header just off target - the thumbscrew was getting tighter. A shot a few minutes later by the hosts No 11 (Matthew Boland) was tame but it proved that the team were still baring their teeth and eager to bite hard and grab a much needed win. From the rising tide the Green Army won a corner and when the ball went in the box mayhem ensued. A penalty shout was had, tempers became slightly frayed, collars were heated, the referee was having none of it. A dinking chip by Cummings put Whyte in soon after, he was pipped at the post by an advancing keeper - who the hell was gonna win this was anyone's guess. No 17 (Marcus Perry) was a main source of release for Irlam and when he threatened to break several times it was only the measured quality of Burscough's Parkes that saved the day for a team clinging on for dear life. A corner was awarded to Irlam, the ball was put in and a great chance was squandered, who was that guilty man? I was getting carried away by the mania - what a fine finish! Perry was at it again, he crossed and a mis-kick was had, Burscough broke, a last gasp tackle was made and then Amado for Irlam flashed down the flank and covered nearly the full length of the pitch. He grabbed a seemingly lost ball, cracked it in and saw Connor strike with force. No 5 (Luke Gibson) of the travelling team threw his carcass in the way and blocked like a good un' - unsubtle perhaps, very effective for sure. We were having a grandstand finish, I stood up and had a chat to the aforementioned Burscough bod, he was loving it and we both expected a sting in the tail to come. A coming together in midfield saw the B's No 4 (Rex Kimona-Puissance) get clattered, pause and then fall. The pause was costly, Irlam played on with hunger, a cross came and up stepped Connor Martin to tap in, steal some precious points and celebrate like a lottery winner with a bladder problem - and why not? The opposing team members were livid, it was a bitter pill to swallow, after hanging in for so long only to receive a knock-out blow whilst hanging on the ropes! It happens though, and when the ref called full time, on reflection, I think Irlam deserved the win. We packed up and pissed off, I pondered the Man of the Match and am going for the Burscough No 3 (Alexander Parkes) who, despite being on the losing side, put in an absolutely brilliant defensive stint, counteracted pace with quick thinking and read each and every move with accuracy and tackled like a trooper - take pride in your efforts sir, a win will come another day.

FINAL THOUGHT - So, at the end of a topsy-turvy 90 minutes it is Irlam who take the main prize and Burscough who go home pondering what could have been. I think both teams should be proud of their efforts and to be bloody honest, I saw many great performances out there that perhaps will get overlooked in the big scheme of things. We must never forget, these guys are putting their arses through the motions because they love the game, the officials are out there on a hiding to nothing so that these events can go ahead and the fans are turning up because they understand what a glorious beast this non-league sport can be. Brilliant hey! I am convinced that Irlam will not get relegated and reckon this could be a moment in time that points the pecker at the recent run of form and squirts out some golden glory that will see them safe come season end. Burscough look safe, but they have played a lot of games and somehow managed to lose points when they shouldn't. I like this team, hence the reason I have travelled up their end a few times this season to watch them play. There is a bit of turmoil at the club, primarily off the pitch that will lead to problems on it - I for one hope this gets sorted. The club has a good history, has a ground loaded with character and charm and needs to be part of this great underdog sporting package - here's to a few good wins and a thoroughly deserved escape from the drop zone!