Past Players
WHERE ARE THEY NOW
by Old fart M. Murray (esq)
EX-PLAYER PROFILES - THE OLD FARTS WITH THEIR COLOSTOMY BAGS AND BATH CHAIRS, THESE FORMER STARS ARE THE BACKBONE OF THE CLUB.
EVER WONDERED WHAT HAPPENED TO SOME OF THE GREATEST PLAYERS TO DON THE FAMOUS BLACK JERSEY? WELL HERE IS AN UPDATE ON THE RETIREMENT ACTIVIES OF SOME WELL KNOWN LIONS. IF THERE IS ANYONE ELSE YOU THINK DESERVES A MULLERING LET US KNOW. IF I HAVE OFFENDED ANYONE, TOUGH, YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ME THE BALL MORE AND NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
BRIAN HARRIS
Brian was a typical example of the path often trodden by the average player. Join club - learn ropes on wing - become quite good - move to more responsible position like fullback - eat pies, drink pints - become fat bastard - prop. Whereas the average player takes years to achieve this metamorphosis, Brian was remarkable in that he achieved it all in one season. His revolutionary training methods led to him being headhunted by Australian Super 12 side ACT Brumbies. Jabba was instrumental in them winning their first Super 12 title when he removed all the pizza, pies and burgers from the players diet and selflessly ate them himself.
THE ARMSTRONG BROTHERS
The expression "Chalk and cheese" was coined with these two characters in mind. Martin was the first pacifist to don a pair of rugby boots. Not content with playing with the girly backs where he belonged, "Gandhi" decided to spread his message of peace and love to the violent thugs in the front row. This met with surprising success as the Chineham forwards adopted a peaceful sit down protest policy at every ruck and maul. Unfortunately as soon as Gandhi left to spread the good word elsewhere, Chineham forwards resorted to their usual game of punching stamping and biting anyone, especially if they were misfortunate enough to be wearing an Ellingham jersey. As a copper Gandhi requested a secondment to the underwater search team, this was invaluable in his attempts to chain himself to any passing Norwegian whaleboats or French nuclear submarines.
Rory, on the other hand was one the biggest exponents of the ancient art of "fisticuffs". He began his Chineham career as scrumhalf but was quickly banished to the wing when management realised that he enjoyed dancing on the heads and backs of his own forwards more than those of the opposition. Was banished from the club in disgrace when he committed the ultimate rugby crime - getting married. Now plays his rugby at the Frosticus Academy of Thuggery, Redingensians.
MARK HU-JARSE
Similar in his career path to fellow fat bastard Brian Harris, except he missed out the "skilful back" stage. Was famously "outed" as a soft shite in 1998 when he refused to play in case he injured himself for the skiing holiday he had booked for 3 years later. On his return he was elevated to the position of pack leader. "Huge" inadvertently hit on a novel way of motivating the normally docile and semi-concious Chineham pack. By placing his tasty bird, Amy, on the sidelines, testosterone levels soared leading to several rampaging performances. Unfortunately, Huge got the hump that the lads spent more time ogling his bird than listening to his pre-match pep talk. So he dragged her up to Yorkshire and locked her up in a cave, to remain unseen by mankind for evermore. C*nt.
SEAN LIMEBEAR
Our esteemed President founded the club in 1997 when the Police Force could no longer satisfy his insatiable thirst for violence. Holds the distinction of being the first Chineham player to be yellow carded when he famously called an Overton player a "fucking coward" for hiding at the bottom of a ruck and not coming out to fight him like a man. Was thrown of the Thames Valley Police underwater search unit in disgrace when he attacked and killed a salmon that he claimed was looking at him funny. Has since joined the Met where he can regularly be seen putting the boot into dossers homos and other undesirables.
GARY TURNER
Famous for being the hard man of the team, "Pieface" for many years fought with opponents...alcoholism and obesity. Never one to lose his bottle, especially a full one, Big Gaz became a very versatile player who could cover most of the pack, mostly on wet days when there was no dugouts. An experiment to play Gaz at prop was deemed a failure when the sheer weight of his head led to a penalty try being awarded for collapsing the scrum. Disillusioned with the game, Big Gaz moved upstairs to the board where he became Community Liaison Officer. As such he was invited to attend the opening of many new local businesses including Mr. Munch and King Hussein's kebab van. Now a keen golfer, Gaz excelled at the game when he realised he didn't have to catch or pass the ball.
NEIL CHALLENGER
Joined the club from the Circus in 1997, when he continued to entertain the crowds with his own particular brand of comedy rugby. His footwork had all the grace and skill of a newborn foal. Indeed it was his dodgy legs that were to be his downfall, when they both eventually collapsed during a particularly strong breeze one afternoon. Due to be sold for scrap, he was rescued by the Born Free foundation and now lives happily on a giraffe sanctuary in South Africa.
JEM COOPER
Earned notoriety as the tightest man to ever play for Chineham when he was discovered collecting all the grass off the player's kit after one game, and selling it back to a local farmer for 20p. A brilliant scrum-half, Jem was noted for his defence.. of anything that was ever lent to him and his own money. His legendary meanness earned him a call up to the Scotland squad in 1998 but he opted to play for Wales instead, as it was cheaper to get to. After his retirement last year, Jem returned to his spiritual homeland near Tel Aviv, where he eeks out a living collecting shrapnel.
MARTIN MURRAY
Became Chinehams highest paid player ever when he signed a million pound contract with O'Neill to model their skiwear range on the pitch. Had a promising career cut short when sudden blindness forced him to retire. Murray claims this was from years spent squinting over the horizon looking for Wayne Turners shite passes. He was quick to point out that there was absolutely no medical evidence whatsoever to link blindness with excessive wanking. After retiring from rugby he returned to dentistry where he developed his own range of Braille instruments which he uses daily on his celebrity patients like Shane McGowan.
GREG FROST
King Dong descended on the club in 1998 and the club has never been the same since. If ever we needed proof that man descended from apes, then this was it. Made from bits of animals that God had left over, the shoulders of an ox, the dick of a donkey and the head and brain of an ape that had been in a bad car accident. After single-handedly winning the club promotion, Frosticus fucked off and left us to get mullered in division 2. He went on to star in the BBC's "Walking with beasts" when he memorably kicked the shite out of two velocoraptors.
SIMONA KNIBB
Chineham RFC has always been a great supporter of women's rugby, so it was with great pride that the selectors announced in 1997 that the first player with a clitoris to play for the club would be Knibby. Simona revelled in her position on the wing where she became top try scorer. Not being hindered by a penis, Knibby had the ideal aerodynamic shape for a winger. Unfortunately was forced to retire a year later when his hysterectomy went horribly wrong. Is now special advisor to the board on stain removal from the team kit.
DAVE "Space Cadet" ANDREWS
Most Likely to say..."Nanoo Nanoo"
Least likely to say..."What's your email address?"
BRIAN HARRIS
GARY MCQUIRE
ANDREW BLOODWORTH
BLOODSY'S TOUR MEMORIES
There are many sweet moments, none so sweet as my 40m try which exuded pace and class and precision finishing. However the glorious sound of ALL-DAY LONG! and beauty of the Chineham backs decimating the opposition defence is still to be savoured.
The stark realisation that the backs carry the forwards in all aspects of play and drinking will haunt me forever, but I will remember the comprehensive defeat of the forwards in the boat race Fondly. To sum up the gutsy, feisty nature of our forwards I will leave you with three clear memories of the front row or the "coal face" of a pack, well at least that is the way it's described in most clubs!! After the tour, ours should be described as the the powder puffs.
Step forward:
*
Tinks (prop) two pint wonder, bed soiler and generally to be considered to be the worst the drinker in the club.
*
Muscles (hooker) 8 stones (when wet), vegetarian, R.E. teacher and the second worst drinker in the club ( but should take some pride in the fact that despite his obvious anatomical disadvantages he can out drink Tinks ).
*
Howard (mother, marigold, "the Rock") we all know he is very passionate about the club, his game, but none of us realised that he was quite so emotional until Dave tore out his heart over curry and left him as a blubbering wreck.
These memories I will cherish, but come on forwards the backs can't do it all. Don't forget the lesson from the Kangaroo court you are supposed to push in the scrum not pull!! Oh yes if you jump in the lineout that would be good too.
See you Saturday for a drink. Only one though we don't want any accidents!
Love Bloods
Here's the place!
BUCKLE
by Old fart M. Murray (esq)
EX-PLAYER PROFILES - THE OLD FARTS WITH THEIR COLOSTOMY BAGS AND BATH CHAIRS, THESE FORMER STARS ARE THE BACKBONE OF THE CLUB.
EVER WONDERED WHAT HAPPENED TO SOME OF THE GREATEST PLAYERS TO DON THE FAMOUS BLACK JERSEY? WELL HERE IS AN UPDATE ON THE RETIREMENT ACTIVIES OF SOME WELL KNOWN LIONS. IF THERE IS ANYONE ELSE YOU THINK DESERVES A MULLERING LET US KNOW. IF I HAVE OFFENDED ANYONE, TOUGH, YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ME THE BALL MORE AND NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
BRIAN HARRIS
Brian was a typical example of the path often trodden by the average player. Join club - learn ropes on wing - become quite good - move to more responsible position like fullback - eat pies, drink pints - become fat bastard - prop. Whereas the average player takes years to achieve this metamorphosis, Brian was remarkable in that he achieved it all in one season. His revolutionary training methods led to him being headhunted by Australian Super 12 side ACT Brumbies. Jabba was instrumental in them winning their first Super 12 title when he removed all the pizza, pies and burgers from the players diet and selflessly ate them himself.
THE ARMSTRONG BROTHERS
The expression "Chalk and cheese" was coined with these two characters in mind. Martin was the first pacifist to don a pair of rugby boots. Not content with playing with the girly backs where he belonged, "Gandhi" decided to spread his message of peace and love to the violent thugs in the front row. This met with surprising success as the Chineham forwards adopted a peaceful sit down protest policy at every ruck and maul. Unfortunately as soon as Gandhi left to spread the good word elsewhere, Chineham forwards resorted to their usual game of punching stamping and biting anyone, especially if they were misfortunate enough to be wearing an Ellingham jersey. As a copper Gandhi requested a secondment to the underwater search team, this was invaluable in his attempts to chain himself to any passing Norwegian whaleboats or French nuclear submarines.
Rory, on the other hand was one the biggest exponents of the ancient art of "fisticuffs". He began his Chineham career as scrumhalf but was quickly banished to the wing when management realised that he enjoyed dancing on the heads and backs of his own forwards more than those of the opposition. Was banished from the club in disgrace when he committed the ultimate rugby crime - getting married. Now plays his rugby at the Frosticus Academy of Thuggery, Redingensians.
MARK HU-JARSE
Similar in his career path to fellow fat bastard Brian Harris, except he missed out the "skilful back" stage. Was famously "outed" as a soft shite in 1998 when he refused to play in case he injured himself for the skiing holiday he had booked for 3 years later. On his return he was elevated to the position of pack leader. "Huge" inadvertently hit on a novel way of motivating the normally docile and semi-concious Chineham pack. By placing his tasty bird, Amy, on the sidelines, testosterone levels soared leading to several rampaging performances. Unfortunately, Huge got the hump that the lads spent more time ogling his bird than listening to his pre-match pep talk. So he dragged her up to Yorkshire and locked her up in a cave, to remain unseen by mankind for evermore. C*nt.
SEAN LIMEBEAR
Our esteemed President founded the club in 1997 when the Police Force could no longer satisfy his insatiable thirst for violence. Holds the distinction of being the first Chineham player to be yellow carded when he famously called an Overton player a "fucking coward" for hiding at the bottom of a ruck and not coming out to fight him like a man. Was thrown of the Thames Valley Police underwater search unit in disgrace when he attacked and killed a salmon that he claimed was looking at him funny. Has since joined the Met where he can regularly be seen putting the boot into dossers homos and other undesirables.
GARY TURNER
Famous for being the hard man of the team, "Pieface" for many years fought with opponents...alcoholism and obesity. Never one to lose his bottle, especially a full one, Big Gaz became a very versatile player who could cover most of the pack, mostly on wet days when there was no dugouts. An experiment to play Gaz at prop was deemed a failure when the sheer weight of his head led to a penalty try being awarded for collapsing the scrum. Disillusioned with the game, Big Gaz moved upstairs to the board where he became Community Liaison Officer. As such he was invited to attend the opening of many new local businesses including Mr. Munch and King Hussein's kebab van. Now a keen golfer, Gaz excelled at the game when he realised he didn't have to catch or pass the ball.
NEIL CHALLENGER
Joined the club from the Circus in 1997, when he continued to entertain the crowds with his own particular brand of comedy rugby. His footwork had all the grace and skill of a newborn foal. Indeed it was his dodgy legs that were to be his downfall, when they both eventually collapsed during a particularly strong breeze one afternoon. Due to be sold for scrap, he was rescued by the Born Free foundation and now lives happily on a giraffe sanctuary in South Africa.
JEM COOPER
Earned notoriety as the tightest man to ever play for Chineham when he was discovered collecting all the grass off the player's kit after one game, and selling it back to a local farmer for 20p. A brilliant scrum-half, Jem was noted for his defence.. of anything that was ever lent to him and his own money. His legendary meanness earned him a call up to the Scotland squad in 1998 but he opted to play for Wales instead, as it was cheaper to get to. After his retirement last year, Jem returned to his spiritual homeland near Tel Aviv, where he eeks out a living collecting shrapnel.
MARTIN MURRAY
Became Chinehams highest paid player ever when he signed a million pound contract with O'Neill to model their skiwear range on the pitch. Had a promising career cut short when sudden blindness forced him to retire. Murray claims this was from years spent squinting over the horizon looking for Wayne Turners shite passes. He was quick to point out that there was absolutely no medical evidence whatsoever to link blindness with excessive wanking. After retiring from rugby he returned to dentistry where he developed his own range of Braille instruments which he uses daily on his celebrity patients like Shane McGowan.
GREG FROST
King Dong descended on the club in 1998 and the club has never been the same since. If ever we needed proof that man descended from apes, then this was it. Made from bits of animals that God had left over, the shoulders of an ox, the dick of a donkey and the head and brain of an ape that had been in a bad car accident. After single-handedly winning the club promotion, Frosticus fucked off and left us to get mullered in division 2. He went on to star in the BBC's "Walking with beasts" when he memorably kicked the shite out of two velocoraptors.
SIMONA KNIBB
Chineham RFC has always been a great supporter of women's rugby, so it was with great pride that the selectors announced in 1997 that the first player with a clitoris to play for the club would be Knibby. Simona revelled in her position on the wing where she became top try scorer. Not being hindered by a penis, Knibby had the ideal aerodynamic shape for a winger. Unfortunately was forced to retire a year later when his hysterectomy went horribly wrong. Is now special advisor to the board on stain removal from the team kit.
DAVE "Space Cadet" ANDREWS
Most Likely to say..."Nanoo Nanoo"
Least likely to say..."What's your email address?"
BRIAN HARRIS
GARY MCQUIRE
ANDREW BLOODWORTH
BLOODSY'S TOUR MEMORIES
There are many sweet moments, none so sweet as my 40m try which exuded pace and class and precision finishing. However the glorious sound of ALL-DAY LONG! and beauty of the Chineham backs decimating the opposition defence is still to be savoured.
The stark realisation that the backs carry the forwards in all aspects of play and drinking will haunt me forever, but I will remember the comprehensive defeat of the forwards in the boat race Fondly. To sum up the gutsy, feisty nature of our forwards I will leave you with three clear memories of the front row or the "coal face" of a pack, well at least that is the way it's described in most clubs!! After the tour, ours should be described as the the powder puffs.
Step forward:
*
Tinks (prop) two pint wonder, bed soiler and generally to be considered to be the worst the drinker in the club.
*
Muscles (hooker) 8 stones (when wet), vegetarian, R.E. teacher and the second worst drinker in the club ( but should take some pride in the fact that despite his obvious anatomical disadvantages he can out drink Tinks ).
*
Howard (mother, marigold, "the Rock") we all know he is very passionate about the club, his game, but none of us realised that he was quite so emotional until Dave tore out his heart over curry and left him as a blubbering wreck.
These memories I will cherish, but come on forwards the backs can't do it all. Don't forget the lesson from the Kangaroo court you are supposed to push in the scrum not pull!! Oh yes if you jump in the lineout that would be good too.
See you Saturday for a drink. Only one though we don't want any accidents!
Love Bloods
Here's the place!
BUCKLE
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