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Oh No!! - The U14's Tour to France Blog

Oh No!! - The U14's Tour to France Blog

MATTHEW STEPHEN5 Apr 2016 - 10:19
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Thanks to all the great fund-raising and support from local businesses, 26 Chippenham RFC U14's players will be going on tour to Le Fleche in France

It's been over 20 years since a Chippenham RFC team visited our Twin Town (not too sure why??) and the mighty U14's tour party of 52 hardy souls will be blazing the way this weekend. As is the tradition, a blog of useless information, stupid tales and updates will be posted from tour, as and when I can get some decent Wi-Fi.

This is the rough, (very rough) plan

Thursday we're leaving at stupid O'Clock to catch the 8.30am ferry from Portsmouth. Once we arrive in Le Fleche, accommodation will be sorted and then its a big Dinner of snails and frog-legs etc...
Friday - Loads & Loads of activities; Lunch; Tour of Le Fleche; Boules Competition; Joint training session with Le Fleche, Dinner etc...
Saturday - Game Day! with match against Le Flèche plus reception and a few other things (Not sure what this can be...)
Sunday - Local Market, Swimming: BBQ, Watch the Le Fleche senior game; Dinner etc...
Monday - Head home after breakfast

Tour Blog
Thursday - 8.00am. Safely arrived at Portsmouth after a rather quiet coach ride, not helped by all meeting at the Club at 4.00am!, We're all aboard the ferry and lucky that only 10 of our party got searched by customs. The other 42 in the party were breathing a huge sigh of relief!!

All the Lads are looking forward to the trip to Caen, even though its 6 hours long.  I think the appointed grown ups might enjoy themselves also....

Thursday - Midday. We have now officially entered French terriority and are all acting as true British Ambassadors (It would be English ambassadors but we do have a fair smattering of others with origins from other parts from our wonderful Isle) 

As such, Mr Citroen; Mr Pernod; Eric Cantona; the Eiffel Tower; All the players from PSG; Napoleon Blownapart; The bloke that designed the Peripherique!; Tintin; Mr Mitterand; Joan of Arc; Serge Blanco; Bridgette Bardot; Louis Vitton and anyone else from the short list of famous French people - You better watch out because Chippenham U14's are coming! 

As for the 'Grown-ups', we can confirm that the Guinness served in the English Channel is not quite as  good as the Guinness served in the Irish Sea. This may not be a surprise but we felt was worth reporting, especially after the amount that was tested.  Anyway, we shall be docking around 2.00pm and embarking upon our own little siege upon the European mainland, in high spirits and all the party in one piece. 

Just to advise that Jimmer and Deano have been perfectly behaved and no-one has let the Club down - Yet.....  Further updates to come.

6.00pm - Je arrive!! I will start by saying my French is basic, if not awful, so sorry for the many linguistic mistakes. There will be a  lot.

After a odd choice of DVD from Ray L, which left a few wondering why? We have arrived safely at La Fleche and everyone is settled into the good accommodation which is ideal for everyone. We are all sharing 2 to a room apart from Mike Buckley who has been given a padded room to himself after previous touring experiences. I, for my sins will be sharing with Jerry C and I think a few others are a bit jealous. Thankfully I have the top bunk!!

Dinner is being sorted and all the Lads are getting well settled into the French way of life....

9.00pm - A great dinner washed down with a cheeky 2013 Saumur that was provided by the Centre although this was only drunk by those over 18...
After dinner, the picture drawing competition was judged and after lots of delibartion, Luke S was given 1st prize for his drawing of Tom L - Pretty good representation, especially of Tom's hair... Mattie got a special mention, as did Andy Stanley, with a very life-like drawing of the gin-miester and Absinthe provider, Shaun H. Tom C got rightly fined for a terrible stick drawing that could be of anyone.

The evening is being round off with a goodly number of songs from the infamous U14's Song Book with David C leading the assembled masses.

No more updates as it might be an early night as breakfast is being served at 7.30am. Who the heck arranged that??

Friday - 7.30am. A very short update. Everyone fine this morning. No casualties and after a bit of encouragement (A bit more needed for Ben S, Eddie, Will, Tom L and Travis) everyone got up and had a hearty breakfast. Now we're heading to climb a mountain or something like that....

Back from the fantastic sports complex in La Fleche, which is just a short stroll from where we're staying. In fact everything seems to be a short stroll, which is very useful for some of those who find walking too far a bit of an effort  in the morning.. Everyone got involved and did Archery, Handball and rock climbing on one of the most impressive climbing walls we've seen. It is a really well equipped centre. Our Welsh colleagues seemed at home clambering up the wall, with Trystan and Lil' Griff blazing the way. Some others decided against going up just in case a quick visit to the toilet was required.. The non-contact Handball matches soon developed into a mixed up version of Rugby with way too much contact. Archery was excellent, as was the very nice Assistant who seemed keen to amend Greg's stance but it didnt seem to help. Rory, Eddie T and Ben S were naturals and worryingly good, with bulls eyes galore. As were some of the photos of the Assistant...

Its back to the Hostel for lunch, then off to do a cultural tour of the town and then onto La Fleche RFC to meet up for a joint training session. Whats the odds on more cheese for lunch??

1.00pm - Yep, Cheese again but also with a superb spread including meatballs and sausages. Sadly, one of the Coaches, who shall remain nameless decided to arrange 2 meatballs and a rather long sausage in a humorous manner on his plate. Typical of Jimmer!!

After lunch, it was off into town to do a cultural tour of our Twin Town and the good folk of La Fleche have got a lovely town to be proud of. It did raise the question of if the people of La Fleche visited Chippenham, what would their tour consist of?? Wilko's? Neeld Hall? Cafe India? the kebab van? Still to be decided.

Anyway, all the Lads were brilliantly behaved, even if the guided tour did dwell rather a lot upon the wonderful architectural parts of the town, which had Tony M jumping with glee. We now know the massive importance of the roof slate industry in the Loir Valley and many other interesting facts. The busiest venue half round the tour, was a little boulangerie which all the Lads descended upon in a fit of munchies and nearly cleared them out of pain au chocolate, pizza, fizzy drinks and cakes! 

To further immerse ourselves into the local French society, we also visited some unique Boules Clubs, where the elder citizens of the town indulged every Friday in a odd version of the game where they play in almost a concrete half-pipe. As a result, the boule ends up rolling really slowly from side to side before heading for the jack and looked pretty difficult. After the very proud folk of La Fleche did a fantastic demonstration of their game and duly provided us with drinks and biccies, they invited us to take them on. This turned out to be a big mistake!! In both games that were played, featuring the skills of George, Archie, Alex, Rich T, Jimmer, Trystan and Deano, we beat the lovely French people twice... There were some awkward faces and we thought best to bide our farewells before the knitting Grannys brought back the guillotine.

After all this cultural excitement, we all headed to La Fleche RFC to meet up for a joint training session, which went very well in warm weather and under clear skies. Our hosts were very kind and even opened up their little bar that had been up until then, a well-kept and slightly expensive secret. After pointing out that they were missing a trick and a small fortune, they found the keys and sorted it out.. The Rugby went well and all the Chippenham lads are raring to get into a match. They only have to wait one more day and then they can show their skills. Will it be another England Grand Slam??

9.00pm - Back to the wonderful Centre for a great Dinner, a shower and a bit of Rugby banter. I shall say no more. Tomorrow is game day and it looks like lots of suncream will be needed.

Saturday 7.00am - The snoring is just too much!! Got up and ended up helping the cleaners with a visit to the glass recycling. In fact 7 visits with all the bottles from last night - Gawd, what a laugh!! A few will be feeling it this morning. All the Lads are getting on brilliantly, although some are finding the idea of keeping their rooms tidy and making beds, a bit difficult.

10.00pm - After breakfast, all the Lads had free time, which some took to mean go back to bed. Others went to the impressive swimming pool next door but didnt get very far because of the stupid French law requiring all males to wear budgie-smugglers whilst smugly poncing around poolside. This seems stupid and something the EU should look at as it could be considered discriminatory against beach shorts or those that could frighten young children if forced to squeeze into a pair of speedo's. Others took the cultural option and walked to Le Clerc to buy towels that they'd forgotten to bring and were rather pleased to see the supermarket Cafe sold wine by the carafe. This had to be imbibed and something that Mr Morrison could consider introducing. More Dad's might be more keen to assist with the Saturday shopping if this was the case. 

We have a busy day with an official reception at 11.00am where we've been told that the Mayor of La Fleche and all the Twinning Committee will be attending. Apparently they will be meeting the self proclaimed President of the town of Chippenham, the esteemed Mr James Harding Esq. Yet to agree who his First Lady will be, but looks like Colin might get the nod. Greg is not happy that he 's not in the official line-up, especially after bringing his Chairmans Outfit and his 'Don't you know who I am?' T-Shirt. Could get awkward....

Midday - After a restful morning, the official party from La Fleche, including the Mayor arrived and were regally introduced by our esteemed President Harding, resplendent in his Presidents Hat, made by David C. In fairness, we had all been expecting a diplomatic earthquake but Jimmer put on his very best manners, didnt expel wind and blurted out a very good speech. Chippenham can be duly proud (I never thought I would write that!). After a few fizzy sherbets, a couple of awkward bi-lingual conversations and some nibbles, it was handshakes all round and then we got on with Lunch. What a life!!

1.30pm - We're now getting ready to head back to La Fleche RFC for the Big Match, which kicks off at 3.00pm and it looks like all of the population of he town have heard about the game and are heading there... I hope they sort out the bar and all the Chippenham Lads have a great time.

The Chippenham team went to La Fleche RFC and did a superb job against a larger and more bearded group of lads, some who turned up driving cars and scooters!  The full match report will appear later but suffice to say that all the team played superbly and finally won 7-34, in a repeat of the six nations match between France and England..  A huge thanks go to La Fleche RFC who did a great job hosting all the party of 52 from Chippenham, including  a complimentary drink (Yep, just the one) Allowing for the limited facilities they have, they made a huge effort to entertain all the parents and the players after the match. All joking aside, they were wonderful hosts and many thanks to all their helpers.

After the match, we all returned for dinner and then off to have a right royal competition of 10 pin bowling. This turned out to be a great team experiance, even though we didint know that Mr Andy S was the SW Regional Champion for the Traffic Police. Not sure this is something he should be shouting about and in fairness, Jake B was very close to beating him. In fact everyone did well even though I managed to do the wonderful bowling action that saw the bowling ball head towards the spectators, rather then the blooming pins!!

It was back to the Centre and I'm afraid I cant make any further comments on the events that followed. All I can say is, the lads were happily tucked in and fast asleep...... More updates in the morning..

Sunday - 10,00am. Today's word from Colin is 'Weary'. All the Lads are up and running and enjoying themselves but a good number of the grown ups are feeling a bit weary, very weary. Simon Kitchen is currently leading in the snoring decibel competition and is looking certain for a single room on the next tour...

Last night was brilliant but the only bits I can mention involved a blonde wig, a couple of corks, a horse sausage and numerous pickled eggs. The image of Trystan running around outside, will live in the memory for a long, long time.

It's a lazy, weary morning and then we're heading back to La Fleche RFC where the good folk are sorting out a Hog Roast and entertainment. Should be fun for the weary Chippenham group....

When we arrived, La Fleche RFC had laid on a superb spread for not just us but also their U16 Girls, who were playing a game and all the senior side who had a key top-of-table match. It wasnt long before we were told the Girls opponents had cried off and we were asked if the lads would like play in a game of 7-a-side 'Touch' Rugby. Doh!!

When offered, it was not surprising that a large number of the players raised their hands and quickly rushed back to get their kit. After a brisk warm-up under the guidance of Ray L and Trystan (All the other coaches were otherwise engaged in hospitality and building cultural bridges)
The game was officiated by our own version of Nigel Owens - Mr Colin Adams!! The man with the whistle but a very limited understanding of French. 

The game was excellent and all the La Fleche Girls demonstrated some great skills and were not afraid of total commitment. Some of the contact was a bit firm and Dobbie ended up having a testicular examination after getting caught by a flying low tackle but all was found to be in good working order. Travis & Luke also seemed to get lined up for some tough stuff from the girls but a cracking game ensued. In the end, Chippenham just squeaked it with a 9-10 win and both sides happily embraced, as is the French way! After the match,  both teams enjoyed each others company and exchanged contact details etc, etc, etc.

We then stayed to watch the La Fleche senior side in a really close match but they ended up losing 14-23 to the league leaders. Its not been a very successful weekend for our hosts but regardless, they have been brilliant and after a quick sing-song featuring Deano leading and Shaun doing his own version of the Haka, including the throwing down of the famous pizza hat, farewells were made. The Lads have had some great rugby, food, company, fun and friendship.

Its now back to the Centre and time for kangaroo court - Oh no!!

Court in session, in front of Judges Harding and Atkin. Cases heard included;

Richard T - For arriving late to court and being a serial defendant - Guilty and sentenced to drink a concoction of very old cheese,  red wine and horse sausage.

Ben and Matthew S - For losing his song book 2 years ago and not owning up. It was found by Jimmer and has been sitting under his matress ever since - Guilty and sentenced - To eat the same gherkin, at the same time.

Jake and Archie - For snitching - Guilty and sentenced - To share a pickled onion.

Matthew S and latterly, Andrew S - For running a bar that included frozen Lager. After some discussion, both found guilty - To drink the aforementioned lager.

The 3 Tour snitches were then uncovered - Tom L, Dobbie and Trystan!!!
They found 14 charges and the first was Ball-Bag Bill, AKA Mike Buckley.
Accused of being a liar, an exposer and elaborator. - Guilty and sentenced - A discussion ensued surrounding a suitable punishment, helped by Mike's Son! A pickled onion and a large portion of horse sausage.
Next, Oscar B and Hugo were called forward on charges of disrepute and damaging the Club's good name, wearing the incorrect uniform & an illegal snitch - Found very, very guilty!! 

Then Greg A and Nick H - for removing the light bulb in the toilet and then weeing on the floor, causing their Welsh colleagues to splash through when using the toilet at night, which could be deemed as racist... Very guilty!! To eat a pickled egg and 'Lady and the tramp' a horses sausage.

Tim I-M - For performing a dump tackle on a female rugby player and accused of 'using her face like a lollypop' He has already accepted that he 'Twanged a girls bra whilst in the scrum' - Guilty and sentenced to cheese dipped in Gherkin juice.

Jerry C - Sulking because the bar was closed at 8.30am, aggressive expulsion of wind and saying football is better than rugby!! - Very, very, very guilty and horses sausage to be munched...

Ben B - Charged with ram raiding the cake shop in La  Fleche and threatening to eat the owner if she didnt get more cakes..  Guilty and given cheese to eat and not cakes.

Joel A - For not knowing the difference between a Crap and a Crepe. When asked if he would like a Crepe this afternoon, he responded with 'I'm OK, I had a crap this morning'  Found Not Guilty because no one can understand anything the person who asked the question says and the witness is Welsh, therefore possibly drunk.

Tom G - Given community supervision 
Ben S - Given community supervision and some advise for the future on always closing the toilet door and not spreading crisps in the shower.
Tom C - Cheating on his girlfriend, lying to a french girl about his age and growing a moustache to look older.... Guilty but given advise on his relationships going forward.

A late case was raised by Jake against Colin A. After Jake came off from yesterday's match with a head injury, Colin walked past and farted in Jakes face... This is very serious and Guilty - Very guilty!! Given the double punishment of egg and onion and no remand...

The Court is now closed but the bar remains open. Night all.

Monday - 9.00am Morning has broken but the U14's Tour Party are not!! Up early, packed and ready for the trip home after a superb Tour. Its been a real pleasure and a positive experience all the party will not forget. Neither will the good folk of La Fleche.

Will update on the return trip if WiFi allows. For all the Mums at home, we can confirm all the Lads are fit and well with no injuries to report.

5.00pm - After a trip back to Caen that wouldn't have woken up a sleeping mouse, we arrived in plenty of time, even allowing for the tradition of the driver heading the wrong way. Lunch was excellent in town and then we headed off to the port, where we've just boarded the ferry and are waiting to head off into the Channel.

Will be arriving in good old Blighty at 9.15pm, so hopefully back in Chippenham around 11.00'ish....

Its been fun!!

Further reading