The Season So Far...

Apologies in advance for any offence caused by the following. Oh, and get over it.

Ive been on haitus. My missus being pregnant has meant my Saturday evenings/Sunday afternoons have been filled with trips to tesco, ironing and other “womanly” chores. Wellsy will vouch for me – congratulations to him and Elliott on the birth of their son Henry. There were many questions raised last season as to where Wellsy’s pace had gone, turns out he was with child in the Arnie and DeVito sense…

And so this is my first endeavour into report writing for the season.

After a great pre-season, in which Dom (despite is broken physique) was again elected Captain, an Uncle Fester tribute act was elected Chairman, Rohan was sentenced to another year in the metaphorical prison that is Cotham Bar Manager (his appeal was rejected on the basis that he’s too bloody good at it) and Will Kite gave up on sorting the club’s finances (and playing) in favour of a career in coaching (incedently, new treasurer Rob Pinchin hasn’t been seen in a number of weeks, leading to speculation that he has left the country with Cotham’s cash to pursue a career as a hair model in an undisclosed eastern European country). Will has put some great work in on the Cotham lineout in particular, as well as bringing his “playa” persona to the training field, just as John Williams about how Will used to be a “playa”. Speak of the devil, John again injured himself early on in the season, sporting a cast on his leg; rumours quickly surfaced that John had been for yet more gender re-assignment surgery in the form of permanent leg hair removal. And finally, Ricky Jones went under the knife recently to have the sheer size of his face reduced; needless to say that the surgery was unsuccessful, doctors abandoning the idea in favour of attempting to fix his injured shoulder.

The 2nd XV have gone very well in the early season, putting many a team to the sword. The return of our favourite VHS-selling mad man Des French, complete with tan and “surfer dude” locks following his stint as in Spain, and an influx of players and returning faces has kept the 2nds going for 5 games on the bounce, ensuring there’s plenty of pressure on those currently holding the 1st xv jerseys. Jimmy “ATM” Cook again takes the reigns of the 2nd team, proving to be an ever successful father figure for the young guns, albeit with a sprinkle of deranged, booze fuelled idiocy. While Andy Day and Mr Chairman Simon Coles give an antique finish to proceedings. A perfect metaphor the 2nd team might be in the form of a Star Wars character roster:

Simon Coles is Yoda
Andy Day is Obi Wan Kanobi (Alec Guiness / Ewan McGregor)
Jimmy Cook is Jar Jar Binks

Des French is (a more sinister version) of Han Solo (Harrison Ford)
Expanding that further basically makes Victor Lando Calrisian, Chris Todd Princess Leia, Phil Veitch Chewbakka and Karl Jabba the Hut. I’ll leave it up to you to decide who’s Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader…

The 1st XV season so far has been hard. Games against some of the best teams in Gloucester 2 had left Cotham’s 1st XV in the rather lowly position of second from bottom. Better only than Cheltenham Civil Service who propped up the table. Horrible second half performances in games against Cryptians, Ross and Spartans had given way to a stellar, albeit disappointing loss to local rivals St Brendans at Coombe Dingle by a single point. That day Cotham found a bit of form, the backs starting to gel as the forwards put their power and dynamism to good effect in all the right places. A week later and consistency in selection paved the way for an emphatic win over Southmead in a friendly after a Gloucester All Blues cry off. Our fortunes seemed to be changing.

Saturday 26th October

Cotham’s 1st XV travelled to north Bristol and the luxury and hospitality of Aretians. The usual greetings were on show: Various Aretians smoking and throwing hardened glances our way outside the club house; shoebox sized changing rooms; not a shred of bog roll in the “toilet” and shit weather. The pitch itself was in sublime condition, and after a pretty shoddy warm up, we entered a game we had to win to kick start our season.

The first half ended with Cotham sporting a slender lead. We had played most of the rugby, with Aretians living off Cotham mistakes and some questionable refereeing. The home side were as expected – niggly, punchy, mouthy. Plenty a physical tussle at rucks and mauls where taken with a side helping of punches, in particular from the A’s blindside flanker. The first score came from Matt Ace – breaking the line (past a non-existent 10-12 channel defence), before chipping the on rushing fullback, and the supporting Pete Ashby collecting to go over for the score. Fly-half Mallin missing the conversion. But knocking over two penalties after home side indiscretions. 11-6 at the break.

The second half would not be as close. After a period of sustained pressure from Aretians early on, Cotham broke the shackles and went medieval on ‘em. The angst and terrible chat soon turned to frustration as Cotham ran in five tries. Sagey, Ace, Victor, Welliott and Miller all going over, while Mallin found his feet with the boot, knocking over a couple of brilliant touchline conversions.

It was certainly a team effort. Parity (at the very least) at scrumtime, a functioning lineout and aggression in the contact area led to the rout. The forwards carried like monsters, while the decision making in the backline ensured the hard work of the front 8 didn’t go un-rewarded.

Sagey’s score involved a rather hilarious headbutt attempt from an A’s scrum, their 6 first losing the ball to a crunching Victor tackle, then in frustration deciding the best course of action was immediately throw his nugget in Vic’s direction. Sagey quickly scooped up the ball and drove over.

How the other scores happened I dont know (except my own obvs), and unfortunately Will was too engrossed in his Sudoku and the number of apple turnovers on display (wah! Clipboard) to take any real notes on what was going on. Karl was also having a tump load of fun on the sideline copping plenty of flak from the A’s players, mainly following Dom entering a ruck at full tilt in a position that can only be described as horizontal. Our ever-broken captain on the end of a few dabs as a result.

The home side didn’t give up entirely, scoring a try of their own. However, with 15 mins to go they did start asking the ref ever few seconds how long was left…they obviously didn’t enjoy weathering the Cotham storm.

Final Score: 44-10

And so we move to this weekend. Bredon Star, top of the table, an on a great run of form travel to Failand. We’ll be hoping for a double whammy of Cotham storms (the 2s are also playing at home) before the club’s annual fireworks night celebration. The traditionally massive fire will be on display, as will Karl and Rohan putting together a stellar fireworks display while trying not to blow themselves to smithereens.

Ricky is also selling tickets to Cotham’s 30th Anniversary dinner, celebrating 30 years at our Failand home. Look for the man with the moon face, his arm in a sling and multiple ladies.

I’m also informed that Victor will be bringing his new business venture to the club over the coming month, dubbed “Okpevba Cheese and Fashion”, selling traditional African cheeses (made in China, cos there’s no cheese in Africa) and giving out fashion advice, including how to correctly customise your sneakers, and why everyone needs a proper hat collection.

There’s a lot going on at Cotham Park, be part of it!

Cheers,

Matt Ace