I was privileged to see one of the most outstanding perforrmances by an amateur rugby side at Lancaster Rd, Silloth arrived at Della with only thirteen playing staff, but they put on a performance of true courage .resilience and outstanding effort and they played some good rugby as well. I can`t praise the Cumbrian lads highly enough and any match report would not do them justice, so suffice it to say we at Della take our hats off to the lads of Silloth and look forward to the return fixture which I am sure will be a different story,
Della unveil their new chocolate bar in time for Christmas, it`s got a soft, gooey centre, it also melts very easily, it`s got a strange shape and it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth , and due to some clever chocolate engineering by our resident chocolatiers the Butcher and Perpetual they have managed to make it emit a constant whining noise, and it will be marketed under the name of The Carlisle Prop?
Della`s Christmas choir have just announced this years chosen charity to benefit from this years carol concert. Its the humility section of Carlisle they have just edged Wigan out of top spot in the ( Hoe important are we awards ) on a more serious note Della were deducted five points because of the state of last weeks match card, it was due to the amount of tears that were spilt by the opposition and the green stain of the sour grapes held no sway with the league manager ? Della are committed to repatriate all of the toys, baby bottles and rattles that were left on the field after being tossed out of the Carlisle prams last week?
Giant pandas are biologically unique , closely related to bears they have the digestive system of a carnivore, however they have adopted a vegetarian diet consuming up to eighty three pounds of bamboo a day. The worlds zoo`s give the Giant names such as Ling Ling and Li Li assuming that Pand`s have a speech impediment when its actually Tree Kangaroo`s that suffer from a stutter ?

Another fact that is widely known and discussed in the Della is that Lake Malawi in the African Rift valley is a Meromictic lake, a permanent stratification of water and the oxic-anoxic boundaries are maintained by moderately small chemical and thermal gradients
Winter is fast approaching and the Della hybrid crematorium/ heating system will need extra fuel , ok bodies. With this in mind Della is offering an execution service to states to rid themselves of miscreants who have been sentenced to death. The club has purchased a pre owned Guillotine,an Electric chair , a five person Gibbet and five posts with shackles have been erected in the car park to facililtate the firing squad , the club however drew the line at a stoning pit , not that Della find this method distasteful but the fact that it would take up four car parking spaces was untenable .Della has appointed Shane ( House of pain ) as the club executioner on a part time basis and the holding cells are nearing completion, House of pain said I`m looking forward to getting started and my only criteria is the comdemned must have a modicum of guilt, but any rent dodgers from the Duchy estate I will dispatch without a second thought. As an opening offer Della is trialling a two for one offer or as Della like to call it Happy hour ?
When a pet fish dies does it get buried at seas ?
Della are in negotiations with the Lancs RFU over a ground breaking scheme that will save Lancs thousands of pounds, the basic idea is that every month Della will self deduct five points, thus saving Lancs the hire of a meeting room , numerous bottles of Prosecco, trays of Canapes and the hire of the lap dancing girls who double as waitresses ?
With the Della whaling fleet now back in port the Salford coastguard summoned Commodore Adam ( I won`t travel to Cumbria again if I only get ten minutes game time ) Graham, to answer questions about his problems holding position when at anchor in the turbulent waters of the estuary of that holiest of rivers the mighty Irwell. Commodore Graham well known for his fiery temprement and beligerent attitude has been ordered to attend Anchor management sessions ? Second mate on the sister ship The Bob Marley , Gavin ( I love orange coats ) Clark returned to the club hoping to find the love of his life Lucious lips Lucy waiting to greet him with open arms , what he found however was a parked Alpha Romeo with steamed up windows , which on closer inspection contained Lucious lips in a compromising entanglement with an ageing Yorkshire ex pat, in true whaling fashion Gavin screamed Thar she blows, and launched a sustained attack on the Alpha with a cucumber in a sock?
The Della sperm bank was robbed this week but strangely only samples from the two bottom shelves were taken, and there was no sign of a forced entry, So we can deduce that as ejaculate is high in proteinand it appears to have been an inside job, we are looking for a protein deficient dwarf with a set of keys, we can also report that the new 4ft 7 ins deputy steward Sue who opens up at weekend smells of bleach?
Because most of the worlds Opals are mined in Australia and Dell`s Opal reserves have been exhausted the RFU have deducted us four points because we failed to hit a new Opal seam last month ?
This weeks ask perpetual motion Massey question comes from Pete ( One day will find something that I`m better at than Pete Massey ) Halsall. And he asks can you have sex with a tree? Well Pete it`s complicated but the answer is yes , there are no laws forbidding it .but there are laws against indecent exposure and lewd conduct so we would suggest doing it on private land. Furthermore not a lot of people know but tree`s can be either male or female, however on rare occasions some are both genders ie hermaphrodite, you can tell by looking at the stamen of the flower and what pollen is produced and when as tree`s age similarly to humans you had better wait until they are mature and over the age of consent because you don`t want people to think your weird. One last note we would recommend that you use protection as the bark on some trees harbour bacteria and disease ?
If a musician records an album is it done in record time ?
I went to pick my grandsons up from school on Friday and there were three muslim ladies there also, dressed in Burkas, how do the children know which one mum. Jusy saying ?
Along with the dyslexic muslim harpist who applied for the job of harpoonist on Della`s flagship Slayer of the Seas, in order for us to sell Halal whalemeat, we have invited ex club steward Clint ( Oy vey ) Bird to become our Jewish harpoonist in order for us to sell our whalemeat as Kosher. Under Jewish law an animal must be killed without suffering and death must be instantaneous in order to conform with Jewish beliefs. The only stumbling block is that Clint is always pissed so the whale is bound to suffer an horrendous death?
Do fish have regional accents and do they have the power to communicate, would for instance an Icelandic Cod be able to converse with a Teutonic Turbot about the current political situation in the North Sea, and if fish can communicate do they have access to the net and online dating ?
Fears that Mt Teide , Tenerifes volcano is about to erupt has caused the IRB to deduct Della ten points claiming Della`s quest for nuclear fusion is to blame ?
Following a dig in the Della car park it has now been proven that Della was the capital of Briannica and not Camulodunum as was first thought , finds indicate that the first governor was one Johanius Molliacanus ( I will get this round Mass ) Maloneiscus and his Consul was one Paulicius Bastardicum ( is Billy here yet ) Barreticius. A mosaic floor was uncovered revealing Pinic Jimmy Colling making his debut for the club ?
Della stalwart Jimmy Collins while reminiscing told the tale of former Della 2nd team captain Aldous Huxley . when Jimmy and young Aldous following an expected victory over Eccles, they went on a bender to the hot spots of Manchester and finished the night off in the Plaza , the place to be in those days the following day while partaking of the hair of the dog , Jimmy allegedly said to Aldous Fxxk me Huxley we were legless in the Plaza last night , to which Aldous replied between you and Milton you`ve given me something to think about.And the rest as they say is geography ?
Shock and horror following the much publicised doping in sport allegations three Deea players and a number of officials have tested positive for Guiness, And Scott (the mong ) Hornby has passed his dope test ?