On Wednesday Pat ( The butcher )Tyson and Pete (Perpetual motion ) Massey were invited to Sandringham to have lunch with Her Majesty the Queen, both were bemused and intriqued by the invitation,and were looking forward to the meeting with interest. The meal itself was a tribute to Northern cuisine,with a soup starter of Heinz cream of tomatoe,followed by especially flown in Sykes Fish and chips smotherd in Sarsons vinegar with a side dish of the obligatory mushy peas. The desert was to die for little Sues home made apple crumble with Ambrosia custard. Following the small talk during the meal, and after Prince Phillip had cleared the dishes, the real reason for the invitation was revealed, the Queen pointed out a glaring error in the Della declaration of Principallity, in so much as that Della didn't have a Prince? Now the Queen is not backward at coming forwards and offered a series of incentives to the Della,she complimented the club on its reintroduction of blod sports particularly hunting with dogs.She also praised the clubs efforts in trying to contain the expansionist dreams of Wigan,and added that herself and the Duke had stayed at the Travelodge in Chorley, following the opening of the new dole office in Wigan,and they were both feeling peckish so the Duke nipped out for a couple of pies,which went down quite well at first,but moments later her Majesty was wracked with heart burn, so much so that the Duke had to nip out again to Boots the chemist for a packet of Rennies, ever since Her Majesty has had a dislike for all things Wigan. She also praised Della for its work in trying to befriend the RFU,Lancs and the Lancs Cumbria league ,she said she would dispatch a Royal envoy to all these organisations to tell the nasty people there what thoroughly nice chaps we are at Della, and that Knighthoods for the Butcher and Perpetual were a foregone conclusion That was the carrot now the whip, she said she would like to see her great grandson George invested as the Prince of De la Salle, or none of the afore mentioned will happen. Sadly thr Della boys had to tell the Queen although the childs royal lineage is second to none he is not a Salford lad and therefore he cannot sit on the throne, after the boys picked them selves out of the gravel on the main drive and trudged back to the station the realisation that the club must appoint a Prince ASAP hit home, and now the search for the ideal candidate begins?
Clint ( oy vey ) Bird finally bowed out of the club with a celebratory meal,anyone who was anyone was there, in a scene reminiscent of the Ugly Bug Ball, Eric ( the Grunt ) Clarke was first to turn up, on the off chance that it was a free meal, but alas it wasn't, Next it was the turn of the embezzler, Mr up front himself John ( I`m getting my mate the stewards job ) Grant, Eric (freeloader )Clarke put a dampner on proceedings when a big chunk of ear wax fell out of his ear down his dandruff encrusted collar and into his dry skin covered soup and splashed those sat adjacent. Eric just grunted and carried on slurping his soup.We at Della wish Clint all the best in his retirement, but we actually thought that he had retired two years ago? Profits are set to rocket now that he has to pay for his Fosters, When asked about the allegations of misappropriation, John ( I`ve not had it )Grant quickly changed the subject and laughed it off?
Since their sexual awakenings Back door Beryl and Two into one will go Tanya have been experimenting with inter species sex. Once the wounds and rashes have healed they have both vowed to continue.Tanya did voice her concers from her wheel chair regarding the expected gestation period of a giraffe, stating that 13 to 15 months is a long time and shes not sure her pelvic floor could cope?
Della`s pre season recruitment is moving along at pace with a raft of new players coming on board .First to sign on his release from prison was Scouse outside center and professional shop lifte rwho specialised in stealing ladies clothing Daryl Doer? Next up was French landscape architect and stand off Gar De N`shed,next was two outstanding Scottish second rowers and first class bricklayers Ben Doon and Phil McCavity and lastly but not least a man with dreams of making it on the world rugby stage a Vietnamese butcher who closed his shop in Ho Chi Minh city to follow his dream with ,Por Kys Ausage? One surprise recruit for the Della 2nd team Usain Bolt has suffred a hamstring injury in the build up to the Olympics and is doubtful for the opening fixture at home to Old Meltonians 4th. And following being overlooked for the Argentine managers job Diego Maradona has taken a role with the Della second team as water boy and kicking tee carrier?
A club spokes man yesterday issued a strenuous denial that any male members of the club dye their hair especially small angry Scots men called Craig? A further denial that slime trails behind the bar are definitely not being made by our own leaking Ewok Sue (I don`t have to smile if I don`t want too ) Yendall
A call to bring back Badger baiting has been tabled at the recent AGM by master of the hounds Rip em to pieces, Lee Halsall.The sport which was outlawed in1830 is expected to return to the Della sporting calender despite sanctions from Lancs and the RFU?And a surprise backer for Della when Tory leader candidate Andrea Leasom said that she would reintroduce blood sports if elected she was immediatedly installed in the Della hall of fame?
The aerial bombardment of Wigan continued over the last week,with wave upon wave of Scud missiles targeting the ferret refuge,pie factories and the George Formby museum, most of the Scuds had their war heads removed and replaced with bars of soap and lice powder?The Mayor of Wigan was quoted as saying ,well bugger me what f`t do we don`t know where f`t go?
While filming a screen test for the new Della face cream a surprise candidate for the vacant stewards position came to light.Roy Cropper of Coronation st fame was thought to be the ideal man to be the face of Della .But during the screen test the producers soon realised that his dishevelled appearance allied to his hang dog looks made him a prime candidate for the stewards position, but what swung the pendulum in his favour was the malodourous aroma emanating from his personage which pushed him to be favourite to land the job ?
Della`s battered wives refuge has seen a massive upsurge in applicants since the England football team were knocked out of the Euros it was revealed at the latest ( who shall we ban for no apparent reason ) meeting of the main club committee.More and more alledged battered wives and girl friends have been clogging up the system due to just getting the odd slap rather than getting a proper beating according to the clubs equal rights officer Paul ( a good slap never hurt any woman ) Worthington. We have had all sorts turn up here with superficial injuries,the odd dislocationand minor burns wasting our time. Some of them had the audacity to to turn without preparing an evening meal for there husbands after he`s had a hard day on the beer, and just because he gave them a sly dig,it`s getting so a man can`t keep his woman in line?
Well the posts are still horizontal and we have been approached by the ladies committee who have openly stated that they have years of experience in getting things erected so we will give them a chance, but looking at most of them I think its wishful thinking?