[The Della subliminal experiment seems to have been a success judging by the amount of missed calls I have on my phone there are voice mails from the RFU, Lancs, Brian H Stott ,Ian Scott Brown and Carlisle all asking me to call back immediately, I think obviously so that they can proclaim their love for all things Della ?
Further to the humanitarian effort in Wigan after our recent military onslaught, Sir Bob Geldorf visited the borough this week and was shaken to the core, How are humans supposed to live in such squalor and disease, he said ,Iv`e seen Ethiopia in the 80s but this is much worse, its a rat infested cess pit, he was then advised he hadn't reached the effected areas yet? Bob immediately told the media circus following him that he is to organise a Band Aid 3 to raise money for ground zero. We`re looking at getting the big guns out to pull in the crowds Bob said, I`m pulling in the big names for this one. Already confirmed as headliners are the Krankies , other acts linked to the event are a Bobby Davro tribute act,two cousins of Cannon and Ball and the legendary crackerjack favourite Stu ( I could crush a grape ) Francis.. Kabul and Beirut have offered to find sheltered housing for injured homing pigeons, and the Goodies have vowed to re release their minor 70s hit Black Pudding Bertha with the proceeds going to re string George Formby`s Ukelele damaged when the museum suffered a direct hit .As is the custom in these big events the Treasury were approached regarding relaxing the tax on money donated , but unfortunately a spokesman from the Home office said, Wigan wheres that? and after investigating he declared , We didn't think such backward, isolated,crossbred,insignificentslums still existed and declared that they are so far behind the times that they still burn witches, and operate under the feudal system of government. But one things for sure they are not short of an idiot for the village? It was reported in parts of Ince hungry people have started gnawing their own feet, and are dropping dead because they forgot to breathe?
As we all know the national bird of New Zealand the Kiwi,is the only bird in the world with nostrils at the end of its bill, and as part of its mating ritual the male follows the female, tapping her bottom with its bill? This unusual behaviour mirrors the mating rituals in Della where the young firm spend half their lives with their nostrils extremely close to female bottoms?
John ( I will turn this club into a football only club if it kills me ) Grant has denied accusations that the new stewards salary is to double, and banners found in the cellar with ( Welcome Trevor ) on were merely a coincidence. He also declined to comment on papers left on the club photo copier outling a new club car for the new steward. John did issue a statement from his penthouse in Monaco saying ( I`ve not had it,it wasn't me,my yacht isn't that big, it was Sue and Clint did it) and laughed ?
Due to the amount of world leaders visiting the club and all the ceremonials that these visits involve, non more so than the cost of hiring a band to play the national anthems Della has decided to start up its own brass band and as we speak positions in the band are filling rapidly Sue ( The Awok ) barmaid she is a dab hand with the French Horn ? and her colleague Katie a robust female has said she will take on the bass drum claiming she loves banging big things?. And Pete ( Perpetual motion ) Massey will play the Trumpbone ?
More news on the St Helens rejection of an insecure, attention seeking, self promoting under achiever from the Lancaster Rd area of Salford. In a scene reminiscent of the donkey in Shrek when vying for attention by jumping up and down while shouting Pick me, Pick me, A certain microbe pond life, dried up piece of sputum begged please look at me or I will self harm, upon which he was handed a knife and ignored.There is more interesting stuff running down the legs of a pregnant woman, no one at Della could be bothered to comment on something so insignificant , meaningless and dull, A St Helens legal spokesman said the club will take legal action against any one saying Saints are watching me ?
The Guinea pigs Eric ( The grunt ) Clarke and Pat ( The butcher ) Tyson who have been testing Della`s rejuvenating cream have been enrolled for primary school in September by their baby sitter ?
Some good news from the Della inter species breeding program ( I`ll sit on it ) Sarah and (The wider the better ) Wendy have both regained the use of their legs, however Sarah`s throat is still septic and she underwent a four hour operation to have the tears in her lungs stitched. Unfortunately though ( Two into one will go ) Tanya lost the reptile she was carrying?
The first of the Della themed pubs ( Della spoons ) is ready to open however finding the right staff for the job is proving difficult, we have had plenty of applications but they all came from attractive, smartly dressed males and females with outgoing and pleasant personalities which were totally unsuitable for the job. We want surly, dishevelled candidates with a lack of personal hygiene, who smell of smoke and cheese and onion crisps. But the search in Britain has so far been fruitless, so we have decided too advertise the positions in the hovels and shanty towns of Manila in the hope of finding the right characters ?Regulars in the Della have welcomed the fact that the musty fishy smell seems to have vanished from behind the bar , however Sue is due back in work next week ?
Good news also on the lad from Timpson on the precinct he has managed to open the door on the Della sub Impaler, much to the relief of the Admiral Perry S Cope who locked the key inside.The Admiral was amazed at the dexterity of the lad with a coat hanger and credit card?
Now the posts, it appears the Della ladies have failed miserably to raise the posts one wag said with their looks they couldn't raise a gallop? However all is not lost with a new rugby team applying to play at Della, The Greater Manchester Gay RUFC, The lads known locally as The Pink Panthers have offered their services in erecting the posts, they claim a one hundred percent record in erection said their captain Sydney Slidebottom, and he added we will have it up in no time ?