Pat ( The Butcher ) Tyson and Pete ( Perpetual motion ) Massey`s incarceration in the dark and dingy cellars of Twickers wasn't going well. During some robust questioning from their balaclava clad tormentors,and following a particularally sustained period of light deprivation and water boarding, Perpetual blurted out ( It was all Tyson`s idea ) to which the Butcher after a gentle jolt with a cattle prod , replied ( I want my mam ) Their tormentors kept their faces covered but there were some clues as to their identity, the Lancs blazers for one, then there was the conversation, Ian pass me the cattle prod, ok Brian but be careful its 240 volts, tormentor with a Wigan accent Brian let me aft ft go, ok Mike you deserve the honour after all the flak about Wigan, Wigan Mike thanks Brian which ones Tyson? On hearing the anguished cries emanating from the cellar, Eddie Jones entered the room to see what all the commotion was about, he intervened telling the tormentors that it was unacceptable to see two grown men wracked with sobs, and told them to give the lads their Guiness back? The Della two were sudsequently released, and Tyson will be back on the keyboard as soon as his finger nails grow back /
The Della club have a fight on their hands to hold onto their world famous colunmists Tyson and Massey, with reports from the USA that they are being head hunted by the Washington Post, Editor Martin Baron said these are the type of journo`s that we need on board , they have a devil may care attitude and their copy is hard hitting, Reports that the Posts CEO Fred Ryan met the pair in a secret location in the Wellington pub on th Height to discuss terms, have caused the Della to make counter offers to the lads, one of which was unlimited supplies of Guiness, and club chairman John ( I`ve not got the money ) Grant said we will fight tooth and nail to hang onto our Investgative Plagerists ?
Glenda the clubs resident Fellatiologist has had her punctured cheek repaired after her mouth burst during a Sunday matinee performance of her stage act , Tarzan the rape man, showing what a true pro she is, she finished the performance despite suffering a shattered jaw, facial trauma and fluid loss ?
The Kakapo, aka the Night Parrot and the Black Robin, two native birds of New Zealand have been declared two of the most endangered species on the planet , on hearing this news the Lancs RFU deducted Della twenty points , suspended until Della can prove they had nothing to do with the introduction of the European Stoat to the islands in 1880 ?
Della`s pack mentality has been compared to a wolves feeding pattern, by their group councillor ?
Here at Della we pride ourselves on our romantic nature and sensitive side, us Della men are not afraid to show our caring emotional selves, That's why since it was discovered quite by chance, earlier this year that women could actually have orgasm`s, we don't now just inflict sex on our partners, we consider their feelings too . And sometimes we even loosen the gags and stop punching them in in areas where bruising would show ? Sales of Rohypnol from the club bar have decreased as unbelievably some of the young firm have actually formed relationships with women, several have even stopped paying for sex, one has actually started to show signs of maturity. Alas the co dependant, attention seeking, narcissistic, overweight St Helens reject is still an utter tool and single ?
Two of the ladies from the Della Pickling and Preserves club, decided to travel to Liverpool last week to take part in a weekend long Jam festival, following their success in the Moss Side Jamaican Jamboree and the Monton Marmalade Championships they were in ebullient mood and armed with six jars of their world famous, Grannie`s Gooseberry and Guiness preserve, headed off to Merseyside. However on arriving at Lime st they found the place crawling with pseudo mods, and Paul Weller lookalikes drunkenly giving out poor renditions of a Town called Malice ?
Good news from the ICU unit at Hope hospital Eric ( The grunt ) Clarke has taken a turn for the worse, so we may yet get to use the embalming fluid we purchased after all. The surplus butt plugs in the sex dungeon stock room will be utilised to seal the body apertures said the clubs coroner Pete ( The older I get the better I was) Halsall .
Now I`m not normally one to share my personal life with all and sundry , but just lately things in the bedroom dept haven't been up to the standard required , so a visit to the GP was arranged, Dr Singh said it should be no problem, we will have you back to normal in two shakes? Then he said while your here have you ever had therapy for your lisp, I said I haven't got a wisp, he ok but take this leaflet any way and pronounce the phrase twice a day for a fortnight then come back and see me, I said it seems pwetty stwaight forward I`ve just got to say the phwase, wound and wound the wugged wock the wagged wascal wan, yep said the doc that's the ticket, now lets get back to the matter in hand ( not literally ) he gave me a prescription and said these pills will sort you out. So off to the chemists where a myopic looking chap took charge of my script , then armed with my pills off home I ran? When I arrived home I duly opened the pack to find a strip of pills called Niagara, now I thought that's not the name I`ve heard so much about , but maybe they are a new brand, so following the instructions I took one an hour before bed, at first nothing happened and then I was up every half hour for a pee ?
Leaked reports from inside team Sky`s` Tour de France camp have forced Della to come clean, through out the summer Della`s strength and conditioning coaches have been working closely with Sky team principal Sir David Brailesford, to hone our athletes and to get them in prime condition for the coming season, part of the intensive training was to ride as a guest team in the ninth and tenth stages of the tour to test our fitness levels, so impressed were the UCI, the tours governing body they docked Della five points for aggressive riding and arguing with race officials, race winner Chris Froome was so impressed he called the police and had us escorted off the mountain. Obviously concerned at the amount of professionalism we had brought to the proceedings ?
Della`s master of the hunt Lee ( Rip em to pieces ) Halsall, has just returned from the clubs inaugural illegal safari. It`s been a fantastic success Lee commented, slaying innocent, peaceful, endangered animals is just what you need after two weeks on the piss in Portugal, he added I have got a sensitive side, we let the elephant calf finish suckling before we shot it`s mother. And some of the money we make from selling Gorilla palm ash trays and elephant leg umbrella stands will go to the seal clubbers benevolent fund ?
With the season fast approaching and club funds a little low the Della barmaids came up with an idea for a nude calender girls type photo shoot, so the clubs photographer was called in, in the original calender girls shoot props used were cup cakes, flowers upright piano etc, but as the girls stripped off it was obvious that something bigger was needed? The snapper said you cant use the words tautness and pert when describing these girls, the new props duly arrived, six family size pepperoni pizza`s, six garlic sharing naam breads from Ahkbars .a grand piano and four Christmas trees? While the shoot was in progress four of the young players decided to take a sneeky peek , Adam, Jay. Alex and Tom are now having conselling from the clubs phychiatrist Dr B Arking, The doc said its been traumatic for the boys, the last time they saw a naked female breast they were six months old and being weaned onto Farleys rusks? When the snapper was asked about the stretch marks he said we will air brush them out later , I thought bloody hell how bigs his air brush? Since the shoot has finished the snapper has himself sought medical help he was found wandering the Della fields mumbling , bloody hell if you shot one of them through the nipple you would blow their kneecap off. The calender should be available for Christmas delivery for anyone brave enough to purchase one , and all the soft furnishings used in the shoot, the piano stool. the chaise long and the bench seating in the function room are all being re upholstered ?
Trevor has just announced his retirement from the position of club steward, despite never even starting work. Trevor will receive a full indexed linked pension for the thought of the years of loyal service he could have gave? John ( I`m just in it for myself ) Grant added , Trevor would have been a great steward and he totally deserves his full pension, life membership, club sponsored box at Old Trafford, a five star trip to the next three British Lions tours and a guaranteed place on the UK`s first commercial space shuttle, tickets for the Wimbledon final for life and a knighthood in the Queens new years honours list. John added it may cost the club a couple of quid but we were lucky to have nearly had him ?
The posts should have been erected by now as promised by the Greater Manchester Gay RUFC aka The Pink Panthers , however they remain horizontal and the Pinkies are no longer welcome at the club following an incident on Friday. When reports of loud Kylie Mynogue music and what appeared tp be an Ibiza style foam party in full swing in the dressing rooms, club President Eric Clarke went to investigate, but trying to find thirty homosexual rugby players in a foam and steam filled complex took Eric a considerable length of time. By the time he had evicted the last of them his vari- focals were spotless and traces of last seasons rugby dinners had been removed from his club jumper? But is not all bad news the changing rooms won`t want cleaning for a while. And on hearing of our plight with the posts engineering company Patel Brothers contacted me to offer their help, and Mister Patel said and I quote ( You have tried the cowboys now try the Indians )