The latest test for Della was a trip to Workington a side that had been mauled at Bolton the week before , but what a difference a week makes. Della although missing a couple of players were pretty much at full strength and they were pushed hard by the home side in this bruising encounter. Della arrived at the ground to find the local conditions far from perfect , with a near gale blowing the length of the pitch , so it was obvious that this would be a game of two halves with differing tactics for both halves. However Della got their tactics completely wrong in the first half after losing the toss ,Della were forced to play with the wind. Workington got their tactics bang on keeping the ball and trying to run out of defence because to try and kick to clear their lines would have been pointless , the ball would have hung on the wind and given Dellla the advantage. Della should have been kicking for the home sides corners but instead they decided to try and run the ball down field, a ploy that was both not the brightest of ideas and played into the home sides game plan who were defending well in the early stages . Della persisted with this method of trying to break the Workington line and they were not helped by some dubious refereeing, and this was causing some disappointment in the Della ranks, the home supporters were happy with their sides performance and Della`s discomfort. Della were having the better of the set pieces but the number of penalties was breaking up any momentum Della were building. The Della cause wasn't helped when number eight Paul Berry was shown a yellow card for a high tackle with ten minutes to go in the first half, but moments later a Workington player was shown a red for a tackle on the Della stand off . Della though persisted in the same tactics of trying to run the ball down field and were guilty of forcing the pass which was causing handling errors and handing the initiative back to Workington, but with the half in its dieing minutes a Della scrum the ball moved wide and full back Sean Watson came onto the ball to score in the corner due to the windy conditions Chris Petrou was not able to add the extras 0-5.
During the half time Della were told in no uncertain terms what was required of them in the second half and it was obvious that it was going to be a struggle against the wind, but if they had any ambitions this was a game that had to be won. Now we people from the metropolis like to think of people from this far north as rednecks but when I was talking to a local at half time the conversation was bizarre to say the least when I ask him how the tem had been doing replied, I`ve got a goat called Andrew, unperturbed I replied oh did you go to Bolton last week his reply was,
yes why are you collecting infant skulls as well ?
As the second half got under way you wouldn't have known Workington were a man down they were putting Della under pressure with kicks down field and aided by some strange decisions were able to claw their way to the Della line and when they managed to get the ball over the line the home support in the stand went wild, then as the conversion went over to give them the lead it was party time 7-5. Della now had some serious thinking to do to lose this fixture was now a distinct possibility although Della were the better side in the tight they beginning to let their frustration get the better of them and this was giving the home side hope of a positive outcome, The Della forwards were only firing on three cylinders and the whole of the front row looked as though they were fighting paternity battles, but following some tactical substitutions Della began to get a grip on this game fighting their way up field with ball in hand and strong running from forward Steve Brooks got him over the whitewash to regain the lead again Petrou couldn't add the extras 7-10. Della now had a head of steam but their momentum was being fragmented by the match official with any number of penalties, but when the Della lads got the ball past him at pace there was little he could do to stop hooker Ian Nichol adding another try to extend the lead and this time Petrou was successful 7-17. But this official was going to have his moment in the sun, when Workington worked their way down field and were being stalled by solid Della defending he awarded a penalty try for an alleged high tackle to close the scores 14-17. Now the scores were too close for comfort for the Della boys and a concerted effort saw them force their way up field on the left wing where the Salford forwards drove over the line for number eight Paul Berry to touch down to end the scoring and the game and a bonus point for Della 14-22. Now this wasn't a classic but contributing factors, the weather , the match official made this hard going for Della, but to be brutally honest Della never really helped them selves with a poor use of the conditions in the first half , so the school report reads, must do better and can do much better. But credit to Workington they made Della graft hard for this win and played some decent rugby mainly through their forwards and on this showing a win cant be far away. The Della man of the match was wing forward Bryn Hughes and for Workington their number eight got through a lot of graft to drive his pack forward, Many thanks to the Workington club for making us welcome .As the coach left the ground a lady of the night was espied standing on a street corner and Pete ( Perpetual motion ) Massey commented I`m sure that prostitute had a cold sore! To which Pat ( The butcher ) Tyson replied a clean tongue and a healthy mouth are a pre requisite in her profession ?
There were disgraceful scenes at last weeks Salford Red Devils v London Broncos game, when three Della lads were caught climbing over the gate at half time , the police sergeant who apprehended them made them climb back over and watch the second half ?
A private function last week at Della had to be brought to a premature end. Booked in the name of David Duke it turned out that he was allegedly the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. The white supremacist views of this organisation were not the problem but the burning crosses on the field were causing problems , distracting pilots attempting to land at nearby Barton Aerodrome ?
Apparently our suggested new name for the club Salford White Supremacists Rufc, didn't get passed by the Rfu and we were deducted five points for good measure ?
Following on from last weeks revelation that the Della Master of Hounds Lee ( Rip em to pieces ) Halsall has the debilitating condition of Seal Clubbers elbow, we can also reveal he is to bring out his auto biography titled Night Clubbing , which is not about diverse hotspots around town, but about his early days on the ice and how he started the Seal Clubbing season off under the cover of darkness?
With Rip Em out of action he has been busy training his two teenage sons in the ancient art, Ben ( The bludgeoner ) and Sam ( The slugger ) are showing signs of promise and are blossoming under Rip Ems tutelage, with training twice a week at the Chill Factor to get the boys acclimatised , this weeks training moved forward with the introduction of domestic pets as stand in seal pups? The boys were enthusiastic with their killing blows but were ruining the pelts with head shots , Rip Em showed them his favoured technique of the lower back shot which doesn't always kill but renders the animal motionless and makes skinning easier . Staff at the Chill Factor complained that some under fives on the nursery slope found the dispatching of animals upsetting, Rip Em replied, Fxxm em ?
Polar bears don't eat Penquins because the can`t get the wrappers off ?
Della go to court next week to get clarification on the differences between animals that are either , endangered, threatened or vulnerable as we put together next years , Killing Spree Safari Tours. Director Rip em to pieces Halsall said the world wildlife organisation just aren't playing ball, there`s a lot of blood thirsty trigger mad people that just love the needless slaughter of at risk species, we are just seeking definitive guidelines so we can waste the likes of leatherback turtles, snow leopards, black rhino`s etc, shooting giant panda`s is becoming boring and we want some variation. Rip em added since my operation to correct my seal clubbers elbow, I`ve only killed three swans, two eagles and a pregnant flamingo, so you can imagine my frustration, we just want clarity and bagging a leather back is the holy grai lof needless slaughter as they are slippery little bastards , if they are classified as just threatened instead of endangered then they are fair game, Rip ems motto is if their not extinct they soon will be ?
As any Oligocaetologist will tell you and as we have stated previously, earthworms taste like cheese, and as we have also previously stated Adolf Hitler hated cheese, so are we to conclude that Hitler as a child had a traumatic episode with an earthworm and this led to his physcopathic megalomania and schizophrenia ?
Della Herpetologist Prof Al E Gator following his study of the Lizards of Aus has returned to his native Salford and will begin his journey to Europe to find the Yellow Bellied Toad ?
Della assistant manager Sue ( Long legs ) Yendall in her position as booking secretary, turned down a booking for an a IVF fund raiser because she thought it was a Irish para military organisation ? Sue spends a considerable part of her working life hitching up her knickers, so she was over the moon when club boffins came up with a pair of self hitching knickers so now Sue is hands free and she gets a wedgie every fifteen minutes ?
Last years Della`s best selling porn movie Animal Magic is up against I`m going to empty Santa`s sack in the annual industry awards the club is confident that they will win the Golden Penis in the best film category. On hearing the news Backdoor Brenda pulled out her intravenous drip and summoned enough energy to lift her jaundices head off the pillow in the isolation ward of the tropical diseases hospital and said getting rabies was worth it, I hope I am alive for the award ceremony. No nonsense director Pete ( no muff to tuff we dive at five ) Halsall said if Brenda does pass away it won`t be in vain she will star in our next production titled The Merry Munger of Manchester ?
In approx. five billion years our sun will die and during it`s demise the earth will perish also, on hearing this news the Lancs RFU immediately docked Della five points with their spokesman on Galatic affairs saying we have warned Della on a number of occasions about meddling in the cosmos but hey carried on as normal thumbing their noses at the rest of the galaxy and now look what the have done ?
Della barmaid Kate ( I need some one in my life ) has had a bad cough for some time and following a visit to Della lung specialist Pete ( Does everyone know I played for Great Britain ) Halsall, she was given a prescription for a Halsall sandwich to be taken twice a week for a month ?
Della`s stockpile of ivory was seized by customs officials over the weekend ?
The worlds largest radish grown to date weighing thirty one kilos was cultivated in the shadow of the Japanese volcano Sagurjima ?And Japanese Budhists believe you are reborn at age sixty one , I start nursery on Monday ?
This weeks ask Perpetual motion Pete a question comes from club lothario Warren who insists his girl friend isn't on the game and Warren asks if you don`t pay for an exorcism do you get repossessed? Well Warren that's quite a witty one , but in theory it shouldn't cost anything , but a catholic priest is the only person who can conduct a ceremony but he needs express permission from the bishop. But prayers of deliverance can be said by anyone , however you may be expected to make a donation to the priests Guiness fund ?
The latest technique being trialled by the Della CSI team and its leading boffin Charlie Darwin is identifying suspects by their poo , Charly has published a paper on the subject entitled Origin of the Feaces ' A Scotland yard spokesman pooh poohed the theory he said its a shit idea?