First as always the ground rules. If you dislike what I say, any objects thrown at me must be done so in the correct manner. This means your arm needs to be fully extended, with your elbow above your shoulder. Projectiles should also travel with a 12/6 rotation to ensure speed and accuracy.

Parents will be held accountable for their children’s behaviour and misdemeanours may well cost you a beer or two at the bar.
Anyone who feels the urge to go to the toilet whilst I am talking, please do so. I will not be offended, and don’t worry; I will still be talking when you get back.

For those of you that don’t know Wilf, let me introduce him. He is a professional Yorkshireman, who has a shed. It is a very nice shed. Recently upgraded with electricity and a television. It contains many interesting features. It is a place to potter about and pretend to be busy. It is Wilfs sanctuary from the wife. She thinks he is doing useful things like cutting wood and planting geraniums (which he does occasionally to keep the peace ), but often he finds distractions.

It is a place that gives him freedom to dream.

The first Yorkshire captain to win in Australia was Captain Cook. He did not bat or bowl well, and his fielding was decidedly average. He was however a very adventurous skipper, who enjoyed the journey as much as the destination. This was particularly important as it took him 598 days to find Australia. His ship was named Endeavour. A very appropriate name. The year was 1770.

He enjoyed the journey so much, that in 1773 he decided to return. This time he had a much better idea of where he was going, but it still took him 500 days to get there. Primarily as he stopped off at Tahiti, an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and he decided to stay a while as he made a very good friend named Rumpus.

More on Rumpus shortly, but let us mix this up a little bit first.

Does anyone know Darren Gough?

Does anyone know his most remarkable achievement?

Darren Gough was born in Monk Bretton, which is near Barnsley, in Yorkshire. He is an additional flavour to add to this mix as part of the Yorkshiremen who were successful in Australia. He took a hat trick at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. His most remarkable achievement however was his Strictly Come Dancing hat trick. 2005 Strictly Champion, 2005 Strictly Christmas Special Champion, and 2007 Strictly Christmas Special Champion.

Wilf likes Strictly Come Dancing. That is why he installed a television in the shed.

Goughs strength was his hips. Just like Fred Trueman he had a big behind, with flexible hips. The hip shift is what makes you bowl fast. It also helps with dancing the Rhumba.

2014 Strictly Come Dancing was all about the journey. In Wilfs opinion (and he is a very good judge of a dancer) Caroline Flacks performance in the final was the finest Strictly performance of all time, akin to Bradmans 309 in a day at Leeds, in Yorkshire in 1930.

However what brought a tear to his eye, and despite being a tough manly man, he is not afraid to admit it, was Simon Webbs Argentinian Tango. That a man could work so hard, develop skills, technique and confidence in himself and produce that performance in front of 10 million people.

That is the power of positivity.

It was the finest footwork Wilf had witnessed since Herbert Sutcliffe scored his hundredth first class century in less than 2 hours at Bradford. As an aside and just to add some additional spice to the mix, Herbert scored 50,670 first class runs and averaged 60.73 in Test Match Cricket.

So back to Rumpus.

Rumpus was introduced to Captain Cook on the island of Tahiti in 1773. He was the King of the tribe.

To become King, like Captain Cook, like Caroline Flack and Simon Webb, he got there by taking a journey.

Rumpus was a poor hunter. When he went out with the tribe to get food he was clumsy. He was noisy and a poor shot. He scared the prey away. He was relegated to women’s work.

When the men went hunting, Rumpus was forced to stay at home and make the drinks.

He was hurt by this humiliation, and decided he would make the drinks with the rotting fruits and roots he gathered. He mixed it all in a pot and created a foul and pestilent congregation of fermenting vapours. To sweeten it, and take away the stench he added fresh mango and coconut milk, and he decorated it with flowers.

When the hunters returned he offered them the drinks. Despite the slightly strange taste and smell, the hunters drank. 10 minutes later as the fermentation took effect and the natural alcohol hit their brain cells, the hunters were back for more.

Rumpus had invented the world’s first cocktail.

It was a wild party that night. In fact it was a party every night after that. When Captain Cook turned up he was welcomed to the party with a wild Rhumba of hip shifts and fantastic footwork.

Rumpus became King, and many years later his ancestors opened the Rumpus Tiki Bar in Budapest to pay homage. Wilf took the wife there last week and after a couple of Tahitian Tattoos they took to the dance floor and wowed the locals with an exciting Rhumba, combining all the best ingredients of the cocktail mix I have just stirred.

Wilfs Rhumba combines the footwork of Herbert Sutcliffe and the hip action of Fred Trueman. It can only be performed after drinking a Tahitian Tattoo, a Mai Kai’s Black Magic Tribute and killing a Zombie.

When Wilf set out into his shed, he did not know that a cocktail mix of a Rhumba would be the final destination. It is just where he ended up; It was without doubt though a very pleasant journey.

So what does this have to do with East Kilbride Cricket Club?

Well we have had a Yorkshire captain and a few adventures. We are a wonderful mix of individuals and unique characters, that when thrown together and mixed up a bit can create a truly wonderful spirit.

We do not know the destination, but we can all acknowledge we are on a journey. We may get lost on the way, or like Captain Cook on meeting Rumpus, decide we like where we are and stay a bit.

We can dance a bit to improve our footwork and get a good hip action. We can be positive about our future. We can create a club, where to try hard is more important than to succeed. Success will come from not being afraid to fail. As like Rumpus failure can lead the way to greater opportunity.

So tonight let’s enjoy the party. Let us throw it all in the mix, give it a shake and a stir. Enjoy or uniqueness and togetherness. It is all part of our journey.

Remember to keep with you at all times the philosophy of the shed.

We all have freedom to dream.