The following is a list of little known facts some of which can now be released into the public domain as the subjects of the facts are either too old or too senile or too stupid to realise we’re taking the piss.

1. Steve Playfor (Doc) retired from rugby due to incurable and re-occurring piles. The story about his neck being “shattered” was and remains a subterfuge. The piles have been brought on by his long standing attempts to find the male g-spot!

2. Dan Johnson is not injured. Like all shape shifters he must return to his true form from time to time and thereby avoid the pitfalls of humans.

3. The combined age of Mike Allport (Sports) and John Forster (The Flying Pig) is really quite a lot!

4. The first XV have now fielded 40 players this season and of those 40 players 21 are unavailable this weekend through injury (feigned or otherwise), laziness or because they forgot to say no to other commitments during THE RUGBY SEASON!

5. Nigel Stait broke his neck, Ben Chadwick suffered a double leg brake, Macca broke his wrist, Dan Johnson (so he says) punctured a lung and Bourkey hurt his finger. Who screamed the loudest!

6. Deano has been offered work by local farmers. It would seem the sound of a mouse being stepped on can keep birds out of fields.

7. John Corr is a qualified psychologist.

8. Morgan Hope only wears training bras in the house.

9. Ferdy was given a combination smoking jacket and cap for Christmas.

10. Dave Gray drinks on a Friday.

11. Gilly has sex on a Friday!

12. Zane watches Gilly have sex on a Friday (In the mirror!)

13. Dave Coles has asked to move back to the wing as he is finding the rigours of forward play a little much. When broaching the subject with coach John Corr he broke down in tears and confessed to being just a little bit scared.

14. Vuck is actually Serbian.

15. Chris Lowe will play his 100th game for the 1st XV this Saturday since his debut in 1978.

16. The Guinness Book of Records has introduced one or two new categories including “biggest camel’s toe”. Front runners for this new record include Britney Spears, Nicky Minja and Zane!

17. Gareth Symes admitted over a couple of quite drinks that he started coaching the U16s to spice up his self-sex life.

18. James Owen has a girlfriend!

19. Rob Stevens is a girl.

20. Luke Mason has now missed 8 games this season whilst he re-enacts scenes from Brokeback Mountain in the Shropshire hills with his TA “friends”.

21. Bourkey recently tried to get into a night club with his much younger other half. The doorman simply laughed and enquired if he’d be picking her up as well as dropping her off.

22. The price of beer at the club has been reduced by 30 pence per pint to encourage Gilly to drink after a game.

23. The Hill is still there!!

24. Stu Jack has a 19 year old grandson.

25. Bob McClelland’s real name is Bob.

26. If you run you’ll get there quicker…

27. If you run fast…..

28. Training is in fact a joy!

29. It is a medical fact that those who do not train suffer from impotence and bed wetting.

30. Gareth Symes recently confessed to masturbating over a picture of Jeanette Krankie (The Krankies). He’s unsure if he’s gay, straight or a paedophile.

31. I was recently walking through The Crematorium when I saw Zane crouching by the side of a grave stone. “Morning” I said, “No, I’m having a shit” he replied.

32. I spoke to Nigel Stait last week and he told me he’d been pickpocketed…how could anyone stoop so low.

If anyone has any other player related facts please forward them to johnnycorr@btopenworld.com