Gnomes Finest XI - Match centre

Mottram
Gnomads Cricket Club
Geoff ("Mutton") Williams 6
Batting
Simon ("Snapper") Waddington 26*, Dan ("Lamby") Williams 22
Simon ("Snapper") Waddington 1/3, ("Freezer") Goodfellow 1/12
Bowling
Phil Taglione 0/0, Justin Stratton 0/0
Tue 9 Aug 18:00 - Friendly

Match Report: Gnomads v Mottram – Tuesday 9th August 2011

When did the Gnomads Last Win a Game?

Featuring:
“Lipizzaner” bowling styles.
Freezer launches new product
Fred Scuttle rides again
Gnomads own “Balmy Army"
Umpire nearly loses it
Team Photo shoot
Leslie Phillips (“Ding Dong”) makes guest appearance Dredd speechless
Snapper hits form Biggles flies undone
-----

The weather had previously been unkind to Gnomad cricketers ( forgive the oxymoron : ed’s note) : the Sunday game against Charlesworth and previous games against Mottram and The Turds were lost to the elements. Yet a window of opportunity opened. Gnomads woke up early on Tuesday studied the arid bladderwrack on the kitchen wall and whispered to themselves “the game could be on at Mottram”

August is the month when Gnomads disappear to sunnier climes and indulge themselves gastrognomically - finding an eleven to play cricket is like searching for hen’s teeth. Surely The Fates were working well for Royal Albert who had assembled a strong Gnomad squad – youth was balanced with experience but would skill and application (words seldom spoken by Gnomads) be evident ?

The Gnomad Team Photo reveals some old and new faces, indeed transformations have been made with the help of hair-gel, skin-toner and visits to the Gym : some Gnomads had been working on image and looked positively handsome. What looks like the Gnomad Hairdresser (stage left) is in fact new recruit B&Q who after injuring himself at the weak end playing rounders (how girlish) valiantly took the field and without any hand signals made a splendid job as umpire.

Upper body strength was utilised as Snaps (26), Hollywood, (16) and Lamby (22) put Mottram bowling to the sword. From No.5 down the batting line up failed to deliver as Mottram bowlers got a grip and the evening light to myopic eyes seemed to mesmerise Gnomad batters. Snapper returned and with F**** steered us to a total of 104 runs : a gettable amount but greater things were to be seen when Gnomads took the field.

“Gnomads are nothing better than when the chips are down” (a quote from the archives of Swoops by MHdlT - after eating a plateful of them on Tour at Bridgnorth 2004). With that thought in their mind Gnomads set forth to produce such a display of fielding that even Duncan Fletcher was overheard to comment to MS Dhoni that his Indian team were Tossers by comparison. Furthermore Indian ineptitude against a rampant England has now led to a change in their former fielding adage of “Don’t get your dhoti dirty !” to the Gnomad style of impact fielding.

Mutton and Freezer were wisely used by skipper RA to draw the sting of Mottram’s openers – both strike bowlers limited them to 21 off four overs. Before the ball lost its shine and the failing light required night-vision goggles, the pacey trio of Lamby, Snapper and Hollywood were asked to serve. All three seemed to have been schooled from the same Lipizzaner dressage stable as they pranced in to bowl (more like skewbald ponies than white stallions , may I say { ed’s note }). Hollywood’s overs were somewhat lengthy as he caught the No 49 bus to his mark : a fact that had not escaped the Tut–tutting Mottram Umpires Jubb and Friend. Some discussion ensued about turkeys between Lamby and Tarquin when a catch went begging. “Gobble, gobble,” replied Tarquin , “ No - I’m going to Greece instead. “

Field placements seemed perfect as drives to the boundary went unerring to outfield Gnomads. Hollywood not ably ( sorry- Syntactical error : Ed) continued his prancing in the deep to cut off the stray stroke to the boundary and throws in to Beertrix thus reducing a four to a single. Furthermore the choice of Beertrix as keeper was never in doubt : leg side or offside he was down to keep the extras total to the lowest it had been. Time spent on all fours changing nappies on the domestic front had put his back in good supple condition. F****’s position at long leg was almost redundant but his bowling did much to pressurise batters. Tarquin the Proud, BJ, Seg(ret) and skipper RA continued the good work and Mottram ended up 7 runs short. The Gnomad Barmy Army went mad –Allison (and Pikey who had been made to stay to the end) embraced the team and each other – ah Love’s sweet dream. We look forward to seeing them in suitable fancy dress next time . Maybe as Andy Pandy and Looby Lou ; Batman and Robin – or, (here’s an idea) … Shrek and Princess Fiona.

In the clubhouse, Dredd was lost for words or was he saving himself for future marathon sessions at Minshull Street following the other “entertainment” played out in Manchester on the Club’s TV screen. Had we actually won? He asked accusatively. Yes! Yes! Yes! we chorused oorgasmically. “Look in the book ”

Mutton entertained the crowd and the dinner ladies who as always put on a magnificent spread with his slimeball Leslie Phillips impersonations in the bar “I say Ding Dong! Thank you SOOOOO much - it was MAAAAVELLOUS..." etc etc. (Pass me the sick bucket !! )

Dredd gave an update on the Gnomad Tour to Cartmel in September. E-mails will be sent with details and methods of payment (Cheque, visa/mastercard, Diners Club, Pay-Pal or else, ) Look out in the next few days for Tour details.

In the excitement of the moment Freezer lost the opportunity to make his sales pitch in the bar as a rehearsal for his Dragon’s Den appearance. The editor has been given a sneak preview of the new product ** and if readers have the right encryption code, should be able to see it for themselves. Several uses have been suggested for the yellow box-like product including:-

1. Desperate’s Lunch Box
2. Safe deposit box for Swords
3. ...

Slowly, Gnomads departed homeward into the dusk of a productive evening and thought desirously of emulating the same cricket success on Tour this September. Royal Albert was heard to hum the opening bars of his childhood “White Horses “ programme as he reminisced and thought of the Gnomad bowling style… and soon the two images were to blur into one. “On white horses let me ride away.. da da dum … di da da….. “

If you wish to join in – please follow the link below.
http:// www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvZgqIUsrtU

This report was sponsored by:-
Tigi Hard Head Mohawk Gel (as recommended by Hollywood)
Curl Up and Dye at B&Q - Hairdresser
Bin Solutions - Freezer Inc.

Scorecard

Gnomads Cricket Club bowling

O
M
R
W
Econ
Extras
("Freezer") Goodfellow
2
0
12
1
6.0
Dan ("Lamby") Williams
2
0
5
0
2.5
Simon ("Snapper") Waddington
2
0
3
1
1.5
Patrick ("Hollywood") McCarthy
2
0
11
0
5.5
F***** Fairhurst
2
0
11
0
5.5
Tim ("Tarquin") Easton
2
0
14
0
7.0
Geoff ("Mutton") Williams
2
0
10
0
5.0
John ("Segovia (ret)") Hargreaves
2
0
12
0
6.0

Gnomads Cricket Club batting

R
B
4s
6s
SR
Simon ("Snapper") Waddington
Not Out
26
0
4
0
 
Patrick ("Hollywood") McCarthy
Caught
16
0
1
1
 
Dan ("Lamby") Williams
Bowled
22
0
1
1
 
Jeremy ("Beertrix") Whittaker
Caught
10
0
1
0
 
("Freezer") Goodfellow
Bowled
1
0
0
0
 
John ("Segovia (ret)") Hargreaves
Caught
0
0
0
0
 
Tim ("Tarquin") Easton
Bowled
7
0
0
0
 
Geoff ("Mutton") Williams
Hit Wicket
4
0
0
0
 
F***** Fairhurst
Not Out
2
0
0
0
 
Extras
5w, 4b, 1lb
10
Total
for 10 wickets 20 overs
104

Mottram bowling

O
M
R
W
Econ
Extras
0
0
0
0
 
0
0
0
0
 
Phil Taglione
0
0
0
0
 
0
0
0
0
 
0
0
0
0
 
0
0
0
0
 
0
0
0
0
 
0
0
0
0
 
Justin Stratton
0
0
0
0
 
0
0
0
0
 
0
0
0
0
 

Team selection

Team selection has not been published for this fixture yet.

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