1. Two hand touch, simple. “Toucher” must call out “touch”, “down”, “gotcha” or some similar verbal indication that the tag was indeed made with 2 hands. Calling out “touch” before the touch is made is frowned upon. Calling "touch" when you haven't actually made physical contact is wrong, but if you thought you made the touch, stick with the call. If you're calling touch because you're a dirty rotten cheater, your mother will be told.
2. After being touched, the ball carrier will place the ball on the ground and step over it. Players who roll the ball back or, heaven forbid, toss it back between their legs, must buy the 1st round at the bar. The player who picks up the ball is called the "dummy half". The "smart half" is sitting on the sidelines drinking a beer. The dummy half must pass the ball before being touched OR scoring. Failure to meet this requirement results in a turnover and the scorn of your teammates.
3. After a “touch” the defense must immediately retreat 5 yards. Yes, Christian, you too. If a defender has not retreated 5 yards, he may “touch” the ball carrier over and over, but the ball carrier is free to run on while shouting, “not back 5, you slaggard!”. The "touched" player should not place the ball and step over it until a supporting player is there and ready for the ball as the defense can come up when the ball is placed on the ground.
4. The defender who has made the play is the only player who may call “touch” or “touch and pass”. Any defender may call a forward pass. The defense makes the calls and the team with the ball has to suck it up and keep their mouths shut. Whining makes you look small and petty. Stop it.
5. Slowing down the game by tossing the ball away, holding the ball, sitting on a player to keep him from getting up, flicking snot at an opponent or any other clever ways of keeping the attacking side from moving quickly is an instant 5 yard penalty. Repeat offenders would have to wear the “Hat of Shame” if we had such a thing.
6. “A dive’s a score.” Do I really need to explain this?
7. If you score, you must drop kick the ball to the non-scoring team. If you can't kick and screw it up, we will laugh at you. It's nothing personal, but it's in the the Laws so we have to.
8. The ball is turned over after 5 touches or a forward pass or a dropped pass or a muffed kick or a score. If the defender knocks a pass down, the touch count goes back to 1.
9. The ancient texts disagree on the 9th law but most touchologists agree that an intercepted pass may be returned without tapping the ball as long as the interceptor is cognizant of the irreparable damage it may cause to the self-esteem of the passer.
10. Touch is like rugby and rugby is like life, only more important. Clowning around, not playing hard, sulking and/or whining are antithetical to the game and while there is no actual penalty as of yet, we are considering employing barbed pikes to enforce order and keep up morale.