Horsham 5-1 Eastbourne
"Helicopters and Hat-Tricks"
It was a sleepy start for the Horsham boys. An altered meet location left some of the boys dazed and confused. It even left this weeks umpire and super fan, Edwin Graham, caught short in the shower leaving Broccoli Boss, Mikey Campbell waiting in his vegetable oil powered Corsa.
Horsham 3's accepted a recent transfer from Italy, in the likes of our very own Balotelli, Stephen Grout, who was still suffering jet lag, and holding up the departure by 20 minutes. This hold up followed a distraught Spiers running through Broadbridge Heath trying to find his long term sidekick, in the form of his hat. However, eventually all of the 15 of the lads were on the road.
After a lengthy journey, Horsham were looking keen, warming up on the recently relayed astro, almost hours before the opposing team showed up. It was a mixed bag warm up, with a rushed shot box off the back of the opposing umpire looking to start the game as soon as possible. The only instance of drama was the low flying helicopter, as the Queen herself decided to visit the Saffrons.The whistle blew with Horsham taking the pushback, and the assault began.
Horsham wasted no time in playing the ball around the field, leaving Eastbourne chasing like a guinea pig on speed. It didn't take long for Horsham to win their first short corner, and in true Horsham style, improvisation was the key. Phil the Butcher injected the ball to top castle where "sea biscuit" Spiers picked it up, saw the first defender assuming a limp-wristed drag was on its way, however felt duped after the ball was played to the right to find Balotelli at the top. Grout took his shot which deflected to the right right to the stick of Nick "the beard" Crawley, who played it nicely past the floundering keeper to Spiers who chipped the ball in to the top left corner of the goal, from two yards out.
Eastbourne looked shaken, but not so much as they quickly countered, chasing the ball up the field and playing the ball straight to resident health and safety officer, and sometimes keeper, Tom Surridge who played the ball away nicely along the floor, at no danger to anyone, however this was deemed as a deliberate foul off of the pitch.
Eastbourne took an irregular short corner, straight to their one player at the top, who stopped it, and flicked it top corner seeing Eastbourne pull level at 1-1. Mikey Campbell was left shocked as we all heard repeatedly about how his new specialty was to save a lifted ball from crossing the line.
Horsham and Eastbourne battled it out for another 5 minutes before some great build up play saw found the One Armed Bandit, Sam Kimberley on the run up the center, who picked Spiers out on his left, who went unchallenged by the defense to put the ball under the keeper, at the same time as hitting himself in the leg with his stick. This brought Horsham back in to the lead, and they were not planning on losing it again.
It was shortly after Grouty subbed back on that he made himself available surrounded by Defenders, to find a ball fired in to the D by class A superstar Michael Smith, to have a cheeky deflection over the line. Horsham were sitting pretty on the build up to half time. Some more amazing build up play saw Stephen Grout take a stick to the back of the head, leaving him dazed, confused, and thinking his name was Barbara. This didn't stop the Italian super sub from firing the ball in from outside of the 25 to return the favour to Smithy, who let the ball roll up his stick and straight over the keeper. Definite goal of the season contender right there.
Half time came and went, and Grouty was bleeding from his head wound. Our little soldier got his 2 seconds of sympathy, before a stern telling to shut up from 80% of the team. Cry baby.
Horsham chased the ball down quickly in the second half and decided that the match was only really played in the first half. An Eastbourne player was heard to say "they won the first half but we can win the second". It was now apparent that they were unaware that the two halves are added together to give a final result.
There was alot of build up play throughout the game, seeing some great positioning and passing wide across to our heroic Megaphone, Beanie, who continues our streak of sheer excellence. The ball found Spiers who played the ball straight across the goal, trying to find the Law or One Arm Kimbo, however it wasn't going to happen.
The half came and went without any short corners seen in Eastbournes D. It did see Mikey Campbell proving his undying devotion to the teams defense, by taking a sliding tackle on astro turf, and then complaining that it hurt.
Yet another breakaway saw Spiers running up the line with the ball, who fed it inside to Smithy, who then placed the ball back to the right edge of the D to a sprinting Spiers, completing the 1-2, Spiers took the ball and decided it was goal bound, dragged the ball at pace straight across the keeper, hitting his elbow and falling across the line. The pitch was silent as no one had realised it was actually a goal yet. It was only when a single "yeah" was exclaimed by Spiers before he went on to perform a celebration that would secure his D of the Day award.
His prancing would have made sea biscuit proud. Skipping along like a child at a picnic. The Olympic judges would have awarded gold for this level of high quality dressage. Looking like an iguana receiving electro-shock therapy.
The hat-trick hero then made the foolish mistake of asking what the score of the Man City game was, and saw himself subbed off for the furious Frenchman, Jean Marshall. Some more great ball pace and solid passing that would have left Horsham Coach Brian Humphreys proud saw the ball find Grout at the top of the D with endless options to pass the ball off and get yet another goal for Horsham... however, the pass he decided to make came across as a badly placed reverse stick shot, almost finding the corner flag.
The match wound down with Horsham leaving the pitch in glee. Maybe this was the week to give a rebirth to the Rick Astley sing along shower song. With Fordy giving his agony aunt ear to Spiers as he pondered whether he needed a jumper on or not for the rest of the day. It turned out he didn't, as Fordy was thrilled to hear.
Teas were Sausage beans and chips, as enjoyed by all attendees of the match.
Attendance - 57ish
Man of the Match - Smithy for being SO DAMN GOOD!!!
D of the Day - Spiers for thinking he was sea biscuit.
Goals - Spiers x 3
- Grout x 1
- Smith x 1
Assists - Crawley x 1
- Smithy x 2
- Grout x 1
- Kimberley x 1