50 Shades of Stocksbridge
Max Flynn wrote this.
To start off with I have to say that I have been asked to write this match report after someone else refused. I must also state as a disclaimer that the last match report I wrote was not deemed publishable by the tyrannical club committee of 2015/16. Therefore what follows is the PG13 version of my musings on today's events.
I learned a lot of lessons today. First of all that they must have really good breaks in Switzerland as Ben Human insisted on driving at 90mph within 20 feet of the cars in front. Must like rear ending people.
The game started off with a few rough exchanges notably Jonny Horne did well to ship the ball to our backs split seconds before multiple doormattings courtesy of their pack. Some hard lines by rich Melia. Some weird ball movements by Dan Brothwood hypnotised the opposition. These as well as some less than subtle "I'm bigger than you" carries by Forrest were all undone by little errors. Perkins did some weird kicks. Some more effective than others. We did actually look promising.
Then the Stocksbridge boys remembered that the women of Coal Pit Lane had been busy knitting 15 jumpers for the lads to stick the ball up. They scored off of a rolling maul from 30 yards out. Their kicker duly converted and it was 7-0.
They scored another try off more boring yet effective tactics and our defence looked more flaccid than Harry Benn's coke can after 23cans. Converted again. 14-0. Perkins could have asked their lad for some tips but I'll get to why later.
We had some promising runs by Tom Elsey down the left wing but clearly suffering from a severe case of second yearitis he came off. Jonny "asphyxy shag" Francis added his chin to a tackle which will provide me with some sewing practice later on this evening. Jonny Horne was starting to show masochistic tendencies at this point as he was taking more punishment than that bird in 50 shades of grey.
We clearly got bored of defending again and they scored after some more play characteristic of those with a rather more informal education. 21-0 and with that half time.
At this point Coach Gregg tried to put me on at hooker, a position that I'm not really designed to play. I didn't fancy it so he had a think and put everyone else on instead.
The second half started and we looked good. Systematically putting them back into their 22 frustrating them to the point of juvenile infighting and bickering. George Veall didn't like his hand getting trodden on so came off. Not much happened and then, just as I was wondering if it was going to be a wasted trip to South Yorkshire for myself I got put on. From here on in, due to my feeble ability to concentrate on things the story may or may not be factually accurate.
We scrummaged well, multiple Stocksbridge infringements meant we pinned them back into their 22 again. Their 7 was our best player! He had failed to grasp the subtleties of the new laws and we profited massively. We even got a rare push over try. Perkins didn't convert.
Some good line outs and counter mauls from us lead to the forwards gaining a lot of ground. The backs decided they didn't fancy scoring yet so dropped a few and kicked a few into touch.
Stocks tried to stick the ball up their jumper again but I managed to slither between two of their lads to get my mitts on the ball (perfectly legally might I add). I did however see what these boys were into as whilst making a nuisance of myself I felt a tradesman's finger tickling my hoop. My choice of insult struck a cord and at the next break down they seemed more aggressive than seductive. Thankfully on my ribs this time rather than on my chocolate starfish. Despite the digit slipping we scored. Human wriggled over. Not converted. Don't worry.
Some similar stuff followed. We got called lazy students like we do every week. Great joke that one. We scored a brilliant try. Brozza put it down between the posts. Perkins converted. Only joking no he didn't. 21-15.
Did some more rugby. Score didn't change. 3 tries a piece. Put some agricultural stitches in Jonny's chin. Social was good ended with some entitled second year having a go at us.
Apologies for the mixed chronological perspective I was writing this in the car and then later.
MOTM: Dan Brothwood because he can't stay away from us
DOTD: Elsey was nominated at the club house. Weird pube shaving habits apparently. The real DOTD was Oliver. Our score only being a multiple of five will tell you why.
Apologies for any offence caused.
Big thanks to Stocksbridge and no hard feelings. Better teams than us will go there and lose this season. Excellent pie and mash after the game.
By Max Flynn
Finally, a big thank you to our sponsors A2F Ankle and Foot Clinic, Premex, Laura Griggs Sports Massage and 2view Properties.