Articles
END OF SEASON SHOCKER FOR LETCOMBE BRINGS A WONDERFUL SEASON TO ITS CLIMATIC END by Bill Cookson
v Buscot
Sunday September 13th 2003
September the 7th was a momentous day for the Letcombe 10. Shocked by the sudden loss of their skipper, Sir Keith ''Nasser'' Hawton to the Hutton enquiry and a fishy Hebridean stream, they had to contend with a new hand at the tiller. Was the new man too inexperienced for the job at the modest age of 52? How would he cope with the all night Ganja and Petrus tradition of his predecessor? Would his Tourette's (Fuck!!) Syndrome (Fuck!! Fuck!!) get better or (''bugger'') worse? Most importantly, would the majestic form of his season be affected by the heavy added burden of responsibilties?
The decision to bat first was easy, with only 9 Letcombe men at the ground. Paul ''Mad Dog Doc'' Bryan was sent to open with Larry the Lasher. The left - right combination was an instant success. The contented applause echoed round the elegant ground in the dappled autumn sunshine, as an archer in the middle distance smacked an arrow into the bull (or was that the absent Jim Pike playing an away fixture the night before?). At the crease, scoring was much slower, but the mortality in the midges was extreme as Lasher lined up for the Nobel Prize by showing that the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle could be applied to the position of a cricket ball as well as a photon. When Lasher was finally bowled by Hume for 8 in the 25th over, it was left to the Bryan brothers to stamp their shared gene pool on the situation. Sadly, Baby Mad Dog Doc was out plumb leg before in the first over...all over...but wait! The umpire, Dan Be Good Benniman, who is not a friend of Baby Docs, and in fact had never met him before in his life, realised just in time that ''the ball was missing leg stump''. This statement was completely true, as in fact it would have taken middle and off quite neatly out the ground. Saved by the Benniman, the Doc brothers then set about the opposition with a vengeance. By the time Mad Dog Doc senior fell with a rush of blood to the odious and spluttering Smith (every third ball ''Howwwwww wasshhhhthththhh thaaaaaaaatttttttt!!!!!!!'': not out, fuck off, reach for the hankerchief and wipe the spittle off the spectacles) the impressive total of 181 was in sight. Baby Doc finished with a total of 83n.o. (not out, but really n.o.o, not often out).
Buscott took to the crease. An unfortunate incident in the first over, when Tone the Buscot skipper verbally assaulted the innocent and able Tom Andrews for not wearing whites and standing in the wrong place, was sadly soon forgotten and Buscot cruised sedately towards their goal at four runs an over. Increasing tactical impotence made the team long for the return of the firm smack of the Generalissmo's authority (''For God's sake chaps!! Come on!! Oh NO!!!! JESUS!!!!''). Baby Doc kept wicket for the first half of the inninngs and then bowled for the second half, but to no avail. Dave ''Kearnsie'' Kearns put up a stout performance as a target behind the stumps. Chris ''Dad'' Andrews, Big Ben Morrish, Knobber Bell (I know, it should be Snob Bell, but Knob is more amusing) bowled well but without luck. Dan Benniman had two batsmen dead leg before, but the filthy cheating Buscot Umpire for some reason declined to play the game and raise the finger. It was left to Robber Wood, using the growing gloom and cunningly flighting the ball above the sightscreen to regain Letcombe pride with 3 for 17 off 5.
And so ended the season of 2003, the ground in darkness, the Buscot showers filled with fat pink men and daddy longlegs, the bar filled with beer and bullshit (''I thought you played really well! How do you think I played?), and Pat Bryan still looking for the win, but now with a pool cue rather than a bat.
v Buscot
Sunday September 13th 2003
September the 7th was a momentous day for the Letcombe 10. Shocked by the sudden loss of their skipper, Sir Keith ''Nasser'' Hawton to the Hutton enquiry and a fishy Hebridean stream, they had to contend with a new hand at the tiller. Was the new man too inexperienced for the job at the modest age of 52? How would he cope with the all night Ganja and Petrus tradition of his predecessor? Would his Tourette's (Fuck!!) Syndrome (Fuck!! Fuck!!) get better or (''bugger'') worse? Most importantly, would the majestic form of his season be affected by the heavy added burden of responsibilties?
The decision to bat first was easy, with only 9 Letcombe men at the ground. Paul ''Mad Dog Doc'' Bryan was sent to open with Larry the Lasher. The left - right combination was an instant success. The contented applause echoed round the elegant ground in the dappled autumn sunshine, as an archer in the middle distance smacked an arrow into the bull (or was that the absent Jim Pike playing an away fixture the night before?). At the crease, scoring was much slower, but the mortality in the midges was extreme as Lasher lined up for the Nobel Prize by showing that the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle could be applied to the position of a cricket ball as well as a photon. When Lasher was finally bowled by Hume for 8 in the 25th over, it was left to the Bryan brothers to stamp their shared gene pool on the situation. Sadly, Baby Mad Dog Doc was out plumb leg before in the first over...all over...but wait! The umpire, Dan Be Good Benniman, who is not a friend of Baby Docs, and in fact had never met him before in his life, realised just in time that ''the ball was missing leg stump''. This statement was completely true, as in fact it would have taken middle and off quite neatly out the ground. Saved by the Benniman, the Doc brothers then set about the opposition with a vengeance. By the time Mad Dog Doc senior fell with a rush of blood to the odious and spluttering Smith (every third ball ''Howwwwww wasshhhhthththhh thaaaaaaaatttttttt!!!!!!!'': not out, fuck off, reach for the hankerchief and wipe the spittle off the spectacles) the impressive total of 181 was in sight. Baby Doc finished with a total of 83n.o. (not out, but really n.o.o, not often out).
Buscott took to the crease. An unfortunate incident in the first over, when Tone the Buscot skipper verbally assaulted the innocent and able Tom Andrews for not wearing whites and standing in the wrong place, was sadly soon forgotten and Buscot cruised sedately towards their goal at four runs an over. Increasing tactical impotence made the team long for the return of the firm smack of the Generalissmo's authority (''For God's sake chaps!! Come on!! Oh NO!!!! JESUS!!!!''). Baby Doc kept wicket for the first half of the inninngs and then bowled for the second half, but to no avail. Dave ''Kearnsie'' Kearns put up a stout performance as a target behind the stumps. Chris ''Dad'' Andrews, Big Ben Morrish, Knobber Bell (I know, it should be Snob Bell, but Knob is more amusing) bowled well but without luck. Dan Benniman had two batsmen dead leg before, but the filthy cheating Buscot Umpire for some reason declined to play the game and raise the finger. It was left to Robber Wood, using the growing gloom and cunningly flighting the ball above the sightscreen to regain Letcombe pride with 3 for 17 off 5.
And so ended the season of 2003, the ground in darkness, the Buscot showers filled with fat pink men and daddy longlegs, the bar filled with beer and bullshit (''I thought you played really well! How do you think I played?), and Pat Bryan still looking for the win, but now with a pool cue rather than a bat.
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