Keep Calm and Drink Jäger the shirts implored and the boys of the Edwardians certainly took this advice to heart as they made their now annual trip to the Hague. The forecast was superb, the kit immaculately patriotic and the host nation, as always, surprisingly tall - it promised to be another great weekend. 

It began with a disco and a misguided attempt to lift Ed Cotton "Dirty Dancing style". No-one puts baby in the corner but putting Ed into a hospital bed became a distinct possibility as he impacted the floor and raised a 4cm bruise on his forehead. Thankfully he didn't die (I can see him as I write this and he definitely seems mostly alive) and the evening proceeded without a hitch. The hi-light surely being the reception REDACTED received when he arrived in the club house to realise that there was a 10 foot high projection of him from the year before and he was now a semi-celeb. Everyone was safely tucked in by half 2, except Becca who foolishly took a taxi back to the Hague and ended up sleeping in a doorway... or so she says although [insert adjective here]-y Doug was lost in Den Haag at roughly the same time. 

Saturday followed a somewhat inevitable course as the Jäger appeared around breakfast time - the perfect complement to Vla - and the walk to the pitch was livened up with a casual Seizure, a drink that's unlikely to catch on. Games peppered the day with the girls playing largely on astro and the boys on grass, not sure what else to say- the girls won the lot and the boys almost did. It had to be said we'd gone to great pains to assist out Dutch oppo by choosing a striking force the like of which had rarely been seen before and in the second game their collective worth/girth was matched by a behemoth who propelled her team into the lead with a wonderfully taken goal from a yard after our defender got done at the top of the D. It was a set back we couldn't recover from and the 2-1 defeat left a bitter taste in our mouths, or perhaps that was the copious Jäger being served at a stirring 25 degrees. 

The day continued largely without incident, especially as far as Dan goes but that's only because he slept through most of it - the no sleeping in the toilets ban had hit him pretty hard. The night was a more colourful affair with some of our ladies sleeping with some of their men, one of our men sleeping with a wapping girl and Jonnie throwing a German into the ditch because he's never forgiven them for killing Pricey's family. Ironically when Jonnie was asked why he did it he said it was because he was told to - didn't cut the mustard at the Nuremberg trials either mate!

The most incredible event of the evening involves, as always, little Dan who took it upon himself to perform the most incredible self-cock block ever. Towards the end of the evening Dan found a young lady who was rather keen to sleep with him, somewhat worried that going back to her place might actually mean having sex, Dan told her he couldn't ride a bike. Our young Dutch heroine was unperturbed and offered him a "backsie" all the way. Young D was increasingly alarmed about where this was going (his mum had warned him about predatory girls like this) and it wasn't long before anxiety got the better of his little bladder and he asked to be let off to have a pee. Once in the bushes he relieved himself of urine and all her possessions before getting back on the bike and being transported back to a house that was now inaccessible due to the keys being inexplicably lost. Game fully she agreed to go back and look for said bag and, even after it became apparent that she had lost her house, wallet and phone, she still wanted Dan's little Man inside her. With little time left to improvise Dan brought her back to his "empty" tent only to find Chris and Jonnie already there - she might have been Dutch but she wasn't up for getting air-tight (not on a Sunday anyway) and so Dan's near miss with certain sex finally passed. No doubt they'll have to come up with new signs to address this little misdemeanour next year!

There seemed a certain inevitability to sunday as we struggled to rally some of the guys who had hit the Jäger harder than others. It turned out we needn't have bothered as our last pool group oppo failed to materialise. However, after we tired ourselves out playing a casual game of extra hockey, they suddenly decided to turn up complete with the curious grey haired dutch guy who always seems to turn up- only this year he was in a dress. Chancing came and went as first Jeff deflected the ball wide with the goal mouth gaping and then Nick failed to register a touch with nothing between him and the line. Thankfully a late break secured the win and a place in the semis - Jeff found his form here and touched it past their flailing keep to give us the lead and Nick, making amends for earlier, remembered he'd brought his pads and quickly suited up to defend the lead.
 
The final against the Germans started with typical British bravado - a rousing chorus of the national anthem followed by us attempting to mention the war as much as possible. Jerry wasn't put off and raced to a quick lead that he doubled soon after. We clawed a goal back but the valient efforts of Matt Royale and the ever persistent Pagels couldn't find the equaliser and the Germansmade it 3 at the start of the second half whilst Nick watched lamely on. Recgonising the futility of having an overly inebriated goaly, the umpires kindly sent him off and we continued to push forward, and push players on, slowly swelling our team to 13 outfield. But dogged defending and ruthless efficiency left us without goals and the game finished 4-1 - a defeat in the finals once again in what is now a tour tradition.
 
The rest of the afternoon passed without incident - Dan made peace with the girl whose life he had ruined, 5-minute Phil found the energy for one more run as he burst into the midst of the German celebrations to steal a medal, Matt stopped looking quite so green, Nick went a shade of red, Hylke became less angry and returned to human form and honest Doug collapsed into a drunken heap. Tour was over for another year but we'll always have "Sex met die kale".