London Edwardians Men's 2s (3 -1) Southampton 1s
A blow-by-blow account of the London Eds’ second successive victory
Friday 6 October
2108: Pete Mac is dropped to the 1s. Will’s dream of having a Big Mac midfield (Rich, Pete and Andy) must wait another week.
Saturday 7 October
1026: Early DoD nomination as Dave Nance states that Barnes is a long way from Kent.
1042 – 1055: Adgey, Joe, Broggy and Will walk from Barnes station to pitch. Conversation ensues. Topics include Safari dating and Theresa May’s performance at the Conservative Party conference.
1100 – 1110: Players meet in bar. Will provides sweets.
1115: Will bullshits his way through team’s tactics. Speaks a lot about the half press which turns out to be a waste of time.
1125: Ben R unveils his tight black wife beater. Would be tighter round the midriff on Jonny Knight.
1138 -1150: Will goes for run. Everyone follows (some more quickly than others)
1152: Meller turns up. No one notices.
1155: Broggy puts on bib. Says it doesn’t fit because he’s been in the gym. It doesn’t fit but not because he’s been in the gym.
1159: Ben H points out that they only have 11. Will tells Rich Mc that he’s running 1 at defensive shorts. Rich Mc isn’t happy.
1200-1210: Eds start with plenty of possession and string a few phases together but can’t quite find the killer pass.
1208: DJ is beaten by a Southampton anti-skill. Commits horrendous axe chop tackle but escapes card. We presume umpires forgot cards.
1212: A hit into the D by Ben is deflected/miscontrolled into the goal by Seb. 1-0 Eds.
1216: A turnover in midfield results in Southampton bearing down on goal. A through pass is not dealt with and Southampton’s Ron Weasley lookalike rounds Matt and instead of passing the ball into the open net, decides to strike it at Will’s knee who has adopted the long barrier position, straight out of the MCC’s coaching manual, on the goal line. Ball goes off side line. Ball does not cross line but umpire gives goal, instead of a flick and yellow (pretty much confirming he doesn’t have cards). Broggy disputes the decision by claiming he had a better view from 45m than the umpire does from 10m. Anyway, all Matt’s fault. 1-1.
1216 – 1235: Lots more possession but there’s no breakthrough despite a couple of D entries and shots on target. Sloppy and over ambitious passes allow Southampton to ease pressure.
1228: For the third time, Ollie R tries to backhand the ball back to a CB. For the third time, he somehow manages to hook it and play the ball forward.
1232: Delightful flick on by Ben R leads to free run on goal for Ollie R from right back. Well, would have done if he could have caught up with the ball.
Half time: Broggy delivers hairdryer treatment as well as a few tactical adjustments. Singles out DJ for special dressing down. Bit harsh.
1240 – 1300: Eds camp in Southampton’s half as they revert to half press. Joe C, Dave Nance, Seb and Meller put in a shift up front, stretching the defence. Eds have a series D entries which leads to a corner. Injector injects, stopper stops (it wasn’t Meller), Ben R flicks down the middle and Seb Van Nistelrooy is on hand to tap the ball home. 2-1 Eds.
1242: Ollie R is beaten again by 12 year old Ron Weasley.
1255 – 1257: Will passes to Adge. Adge passes to Will. Repeats.
1303: Southampton seek to relieve pressure with big aerial. Ben H leaps and with a backhand smash Rafael Nadal would have been proud of, prevents the ball from reaching their unmarked striker.
1306: Southampton striker kicks the ball round Will and plays the ball to other striker at the back post who uses wrong side of his stick to put the ball in the net. After initially giving the goal, umpires discuss and decide that the striker used the wrong side of his stick. Great relief all round.
1308: More Eds pressure leads to short corner. Ben H flicks down the middle and Southampton helps his keeper out by saving the ball with his feet. Ben H subs himself off for Seb Van Persie who slots the flick with only one attempt and completes his hat-trick. 3-1 Eds.
1310: Ollie R lifts up stick to allow Southampton through ball. Both Adge and Will are beaten to ball by Southampton striker with a pulled hamstring. Good indication of the pace of our back line.
1312: Southampton captain does Dickie impression and kindly passes the ball to Joe C at CF. Joe is less kind and aims for ribs instead of the goal. Protests that it should be a short corner whilst Southampton player is in agony on the ground. A short corner is not awarded.
1313 to end of game: Will passes to Adge. Adge passes to Will. Repeats.
1330 – 1345: Joe C gets lost on his way to showers. Ollie “Billy Elliott” Randall puts on tights. Dave Nance does not shower.
1345 – 1415: Team enjoy Bank of England’s finest sustenance. Seb voted MoM for his clinical finishing. Will and Ollie R share DoD although somewhat unfairly as they're both nice blokes. Broggy continues character assassination of DJ.
1446 – 1503: Andy H walks to Barnes station alone.
1900 – 0000: Team enjoy well deserved shandies at club social.
2022: Luke Rutter arrives at social although seems not to have received memo that it isn’t fancy dress as he arrives dressed for a day of shooting game in the West Country.