Not many of you will remember,but years ago we brought in a young South African cricketer,Kelvin Peterson,to the Leos.So not to repeat his name,lets call him KP for short.Fresh in from Jo'burg,this young talented spinner/batsman certainly left his mark at the club.Here is a week in the life of KP at the Old Leos CC :

Day 1 - Monday - KP demands that Tim Carter pick him in all batting positions between 1 to 11. He also wants to field closely enough to the boundary to be able to give Sandy,Cooperman etc.his autograph. Carts puts his foot down as he says we need to find a place for the other 10 players somehow.

Day 2 - Tuesday - KP rings Carts to say he has had a better offer to play attacking care free cricket under Justin in the 2nd team and he won't have to pay his subs if he does. This is pre-IPL days but set a precedent. Carts is beside himself with rage at KP. Saturday is due to be his 100th game at the Leos as captain and this is taking the gloss away from it all.

Day 3 - Wednesday. Rumours spread that KP has exchanged texts with his mates at another Wetherby League side calling Carts a "F*****g Useless Cas Knitwit" KP doesn't deny there were texts but couldn't remember what he had texted 2 hours earlier.

Day 4 - Thursday. Twitter account "KP is Leos Cricket" is set up.KP at first thinks it's funny. Then he accuses JP,Beans,Guesty,Stevo and Sykesy of having password access and adding humorous playful banter on to the account. KP is seen crying in the back bar as he speaks to Peter Whitehead about this disgusting bullying. The account had nothing to do with any players or members of the cricket club,it was Jimmy and he doesn't deny it.

Day 5 - Friday. KP is demanding that he is allowed to be late to Saturday's game so he can look in the mirror and wash his hair in the morning. He takes ages in the shower apparently,so can't get there until 1.35.Carts agrees despite the vicious texts as he wants to re-integrate KP into the Leos first team.

Day 6 - Saturday. Match day. Away at Sicklinghall in a must win game,KP slogs straight into Long On's hands and is out for 2. He comes into the changing room whistling that classic Heart track "Alone". Leos lose 6 wickets for 10 runs and each batsman is greeted with "You are a useless c**t" by KP as they come back in to get their pads off. Chris Butt is finally out for 65 only for KP to say "haven't we got any better openers than him at this club ?" and "I'm a better batsman but I would have walked if I had hit that one"

Day 7 - Sunday. KP informs us that he has suddenly had his knee amputated so can't play 45 over cricket for us anymore. He says that the rest of his leg including shin and foot is fine. He has though signed a big contract at Headingley/Bramhope to play 3 Twenty20 evening games a year,where he expects to score at least 30 runs in total.This will guarantee he will get one of these new IPL contracts for £1m a season plus walk into the side of whichever country he decides to get a tattoo done for. He likes kangaroos,so might get one of those on his bicep and move to Melbourne. He has a big enough ego,sorry torso,that he could easily get a tattoo for every country that is willing to give him a 6 week holiday to play slog cricket.

It wasn't easy being Kelvin Peterson. It's difficult when you are met with open arms as an outsider trying to make millions out of your alien nation. It was all the fault of Carts,Beans,Peter,Sykesy,JP,Stevo,Guesty,Butt et al. Kelvin Peterson's book is out this week and is available to be read in all national newspapers. No doubt his mate Pistorius Moregun will have his say,but the Leos are bigger than any one man or player.