Articles - Articles 1
"Egg Chasing Unscrambled - An Atheists Guide"
Rugby union is a contact sport, played with an oval ball, by two teams of 15 players. The object of the game is to evade opposition while in possession of the ball and attempt to put the ball down over their line in order to score a try (see scoring).
The game itself is widely believed to have originated (and indeed gained its name) at Rugby School in Warwickshire. A miscreant pupil attending the school, one William Webb Ellis, decided that the game of association football (soccer) he was engaged in was dashed dull and thought to himself "To hang with this" With that Master Webb-Ellis promptly picked up the ball and tore off. The ensuing melee was deemed such fun that it became a regular pastime (amateur and latterly professional) with its own international and domestic tournaments, not to mention the launch pad for any number of bawdy drinking antics.
Rules
To the casual observer the game of Union would appear to have no laws whatsoever other than those held within the Chaos Theory. There are, however, some basic tenets which you should be aware of.
1.Passing - when passing to a team-mate the ball can only travel backwards or at best laterally.
2.Tackling - although it often appears to resemble a common assault the rugby tackle does have certain safety criteria which must be adhered to, well just one really, the tackler cannot tackle the tacklee above shoulder height. Anything else is fair game.
3.Violent conduct - contrary to popular belief this is not etched into the constitution of the game and is actually deemed not to be a good thing. On occasion, however, it can be useful in ensuring the integrity of the game remains in good nick.
4.The match consists of 2 halves of 40 minutes which at the higher level of the sport can be enhanced by injury time, but at the grass roots level is generally curtailed in the best interests of the players, referee and viewers alike.
Set Pieces
There are a couple of peculiar formations which take place on a rugby field that can at various times be mistaken for synchronized swimming, line dancing and mud wresting (which to those of us with specialist interests is not an altogether disturbing combo). These highly technical manoeuvres are rigorously choreographed and rather bizarrely, participated in by the least cerebral members of each team (see Forwards).
The first of these is the Scrum. Scrums are required when minor infringements e.g. dropped balls or forward passes are committed. They can also be awarded when the match official can no longer keep up with play. Scrums involve numbers 1 to 8 (see positions) manhandling one another and then attempting to push their 8 counterparts off the ball which is placed democratically down the middle (occasionally).
The second set piece is the Lineout. Once again our big fellows get together to sort out their differences in an uncommonly civil fashion. The lineout occurs when the ball goes out of play. It is often deliberately kicked out of play by a Back, in order that he and his fellow backs can gleefully amuse themselves with the unedifying spectacle that unfolds.
The ball is thrown back into play and the larger gents stand in line and then attempt to morph into graceful beings and lift each other skyward in a desperate bid to catch it. It truly is a hoot!
The other curious amalgamations of human limbs, hair, blood, sweat and saliva which take place during the course of the 80 minutes are rucks and mauls. A maul is like an impromptu scrum which the players decide to embark on without the express wishes of the referee. These are fairly loosely regulated and can meander across the playing surface for what seems like an eternity, much like a herd of migrating wildebeest on the Serengeti but with less purpose and grace.
Rucks take place on the ground and what goes on in a ruck hopefully stays in a ruck. The official has some discretion as to the start and end point of said event but in between time he is largely redundant and powerless to intervene on some of the most despicable acts ever perpetrated by one human on another. On a more positive note, however, it is believed that many young players have lost their virginity whilst and/or being rucked.
Scoring
There are three differing processes which can result in a team accumulating points.
1.The most difficult and therefore the best rewarded of these is scoring a Try. This involves transporting the ball over the opponent's goal line by means of running, passing, kicking (the ball), rucking and mauling. The reward for achieving this unlikely feat is 5 points. This 5 pointer is called a Try because in the original format of the game achieving this did not in itself garner you any points. What it did, however, was entitle you to Try a kick at goal for which points would be awarded. This opportunity is known as the Conversion. This still applies and if you are able to kick the ball over the bar and between the posts you will get an additional 2 points.
2.The most common fashion of scoring in rugby is a Penalty Kick. Despite my rather cursory rundown of the rules, there is in fact a litany of infringements for which a match official can award a penalty. If this award is made within range of the posts, a teams designated kicker may wish to attempt to kick the penalty. If successful his team is rewarded with 3 points.
3.A third means of collecting points is the tricky art of the Drop Goal. A drop goal involves the peculiar act of a player intentionally dropping the ball and striving to kick it on the half volley i.e. at virtually the same time as it hits the ground, between the posts. This can be attempted from anywhere on the pitch and at any time during the game. If successful the drop goal is worth 3 points. Famously both Joel Stransky (SA) and Jonny Wilkinson (Eng) have landed drop goals to win the World Cup for their nations. We don't hear much about Stranksy these days because it's been a while since he last played. Funnily enough we still hear plenty about Jonny....
Positions
The fifteen positions on the rugby field are broken down into 2 very diverse sectors "The Backs and The Forwards". In lay mans terms the backs are slender, handsome, technically gifted and fleet of foot. They are numbered 9 to 15. The forwards can be generically classified as the larger, slower, less aesthetically pleasing and more cumbersome proponents of the game. Numerically they can be identified by the digits 1 to 8.
Below is a brief summary of the names, tasks and responsibilities associated with each position.
15. The Full Back
The full-back is a glamorous, high profile player who acts as both the last line of defence and potent attacking force from deep. He would usually be expected to be a speedy runner, a defiant tackler, a skillful handler and an adept kicker. In the current Scottish set up any one of these qualities would be welcome. Famous exponents of this berth include Andy Irvine, JPR Williams, Gavin Hastings and Serge Blanco.
14. Right Wing
The wingers are traditionally the finishers, the fancy dans who get on the end of the rest of the teams hard work. They do most of their business on just the right side of the touchline where in more parochial surroundings they can often be subject to the lively repartee of opposing fans which can often upset their fragile equilibrium. By nature they are expected to be both lightning quick and bone idle. Throughout the years many of the games great names have plied their trade in this outpost, Gerald Davies and Tony O'Reilly to name but a couple.
13. Outside Centre
The outside centre tends to veer towards a strong running, deft handling sort who can make breaks up the middle of the park and generally act as a launch pad for attack from anywhere on the field. Such is the varied requirements of the position that players like these are gold dust at the top level. Brian O'Driscoll, Jeremy Guscott and Phillipe Sella are renowned practitioners of the art.
12. Inside Centre
The inside centre (or what the Kiwis helpfully refer to as the second five eighth??) can be one of two things - a bludgeon or an auxiliary playmaker. A good example of the first species would be Danie Gerber or Scott Gibbs. The latter type could be personified in Tim Horan or Mike Gibson.
11. Left Wing
Much the same as their right sided brethren, these glory hunters make their name off the labours of others. There are some wingmen, however, who could be said to be fairly useful in their own right, notably Jonah Lomu, David Campese and Bryan Habana.
10. Stand Off/Fly Half/ Five Eighth
The playmaker of the team is often hallowed as God's right hand man in the Welsh valleys (particularly when he manifests himself in the form of a Barry John or Phil Bennett). The number 10 is usually the most technically proficient in the games finer arts (passing and kicking) yet notably lacking in some of the grimier aspects (tackling for example). Different styles of player dictate different styles of game. King Carlos (Spencer) exemplifies a running fly half putting opposition defences on the back foot with daring breaks and cunning sleight of hand. Meanwhile England's Rob Andrew preferred to grind teams into the ground with his relentless precision kicking game. The current darling of the rugby world, New Zealand's Dan Carter, combines the best elements of both types of games for an all singing all dancing rugby superstar. For the lesser spotted tackling ten see the lesser spotted Jonny Wilkinson.
9. Scrum Half
The scrum half acts as the supply line between the carthorses (the forwards) and the fly boys (backs). He follows the big forwards around the park like a little lad trying to hang out with his big brother and his mates, shouting the odds and making a nuisance of himself. As a result he often has a particularly nasty strain of the Little Man Syndrome and sometimes needs to have his dummy reinstated and hushed to sleep. He is also required to put the ball into the middle of the scrum, although usually opts to circumvent any possibility of an even chance by placing it directly at the feet of his number eight. Prime examples of the diminutive dictator are Gareth Edwards, George Gregan, Roy Laidlaw and Joost Van Der Westhuizen (who is neither small in name or physical stature but no roll call of greats for this position should omit the South African legend).
8. The Number Eight
The rugby fraternity performed the equivalent of splitting the atom when naming this position. Sadly the same degree of imagination was not applied to the naming of the other 14 slots. Your number 8 plays at the back of the forward pack. He is often used as a battering ram; programmed with the instruction to target the weaker, smaller back division. Good examples of this big bully are Dean Richards, Buck Shelford and Scott Quinnell. Other proponents such as Merv "The Swerve" Davies, the extravagantly gifted (and named) Zinzan Brooke and Italy's Sergio Parisse have brought a little more flair to the role (indeed the latter flaunts his elan to the extent of squiring a former Miss Europe)
7. Open-side Flanker
The flanker or wing forward as he was known when one word was generally regarded to be the lesser relative of two, is a player with the speed of a backline player and the intelligence of a forward. This hybrid can sometimes create the effect of a human chasing their own imaginary tail. Whilst this may be heartily amusing for everyone else, it leaves the poor soul with either an identity crisis or a delusion of grandeur. Players who have best coped with the paradox are Fergus Slattery, Richie McCaw and Richard Hill.
6. Blind-side Flanker
So called not because they are one-eyed or notoriously poor drivers, but because they traditionally defended the narrow side of the pitch aka the blind side. This introspective remit forced them to broaden their horizons and they are now often a valuable attacking link between the forwards and backs. Exemplary exponents of this role have included the French Rick Parfitt look-a-like Jean Pierre Rives and blonde Bok-shell, Schalke Berger.
5 & 4. Second Row
In another spot of creative appellation the players going by the title 2nd row actually form the second row of the scrum. The second row is often referred to as the engine room which powers the scrum. This assertion is much to the chagrin of the front row so it is a good one to perpetuate. The team's tall guys are also known as Locks as they are seen as the glue that binds the scrum together. Given such monumental responsibilities one would anticipate a fairly high brow practitioner to be at work here. It is, however, often the complete opposite especially in the physical sense where the Neanderthal overhang of the brow and the sheer size brings to mind a Mary Shelley-esque creation like The 2 Martins (Johnson and Bayfield). Other monolithic structures to have filled the spot include the legendary kiwi "Pinetree", Colin Meades, the menacing (Herman?)Munster skipper Paul O'Connell and the late great Broon Fae Troon whose joie de vivre was the exception rather than the rule for these imposing chaps .
3 & 1. The Props
The Loosehead and Tighthead prop forwards are not only a breed apart because of their screwball names, but by the very nature of the task they undertake in which they are expected to be more than a little lacking in the upper quarter. Their necks and shoulders bear the full weight of their fellow forwards and are used as conductors channeling the power directly onto their opposite and equally mentally bereft number. Much as I would love to go into the black arts of propping I have little interest in entering into the much vaunted Front Row Union which they love to harp on about. This is (hopefully) a fictional congress created by these wretched souls to give the impression that there is a lot more going on in there than we would ever care to imagine - there isn't. To keep it simple the props are the fat chaps who pride themselves on eating pint glasses in clubhouses (in the absence of available small children). Those who have served with distinction over the years include Os Du Randt, Tom Smith, Jason Leonard and David Sole.
2. The Hooker
This fantastically named player is not necessarily so-called because of a propensity to perform sexual acts for money (although what they do in their own time is entirely their own business). They are an unfortunate lot, guilty by association with the props but not deemed sufficiently deranged by their front row companions to join the mythical union. The name hooker springs from the fact that they are required to hook the ball when it is placed in the scrum. This debatable skill often leads to bravado claims of "strikes against the head" (successfully hooking the ball when the opposition scrum half puts it in). These are like Brigadoon to hookers particularly now the ball tends not to come anywhere near either of them these days (see Scrum Half). When achieved these apocryphal occurrences are spoken of in hushed, reverent tones ad infinitum. The hooker is also responsible for orchestrating the chaos at the lineout, where they call out a secret code e.g. "big balls 0 5 0" before throwing the ball to the opposition. Colin Deans, Sean Fitzpatrick and Keith Wood have all proudly got their legs over and hooked for their countries.
Tournaments and Teams
There are now many tournaments worldwide catering for the game at all levels. The flagship of the game is the Rugby World Cup which was first staged in 1987 in New Zealand and Australia with the former triumphant. It has been held on a 4 yearly basis thereafter. On the 5 subsequent stagings of the tourney Australia and South Africa have each prevailed twice (although the Springboks first victory was blighted by allegations that the Springbok number 6, N. Mandela, had tested positive for prison food). England ensured their rugby followers endure at least 40 years of hurt by winning it in 2003.
The tournament has its very own classy official anthem "The World In Union"sung by Dame Kiri Te Kanawa. The grandiosity of this operatic opus means that it does not translate very well to the rugby bus. In lieu of this, unofficial ditties such as Alouette , The Yogi Bear Song and Dinah are more commonplace.
The International Tournament or the 6 Nations as it is now known, is an exciting annual event competed for by England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, France and Italy. It is much loved by the Scots as it gives them an outside chance to beat the Auld Enemy (The English) on a yearly basis. The Welsh enjoy it primarily because they love giving their English counterparts what for. The French sophisticates enjoying nothing better than stirring up national fervour in an attempt to put one over on those English oafs. It is heralded in Ireland as an opportunity to exact revenge on their long term oppressors, the English. And finally it allows the Italians their once a year victory against, yes, you guessed it - Scotland!
In international terms New Zealand are the most glamorous and famous of all nations. A small country with no more than 3m people they merrily pillage the Pacific Islands to top up their own native (Maori) players and to ensure that their tribal battle cry, The Haka, does not look even more ridiculous by being performed by a team of white men with names like Gallagher, Fitzpatrick and Clarke. The perennial unofficial best team on the planet has only ever held the official crown once - after the inaugural competition. This is a constant source of mirth to countries who take the game considerably less seriously than the Kiwis.
The club game in Europe is dominated by the Heineken Cup which despite its name is not wholly based around drinking challenges. This is the European Cup where the big teams from around the continent compete for the prestige of European Champions. The Scottish "Super teams" also take part in this spectacle for a brief period each year. It is believed that they are known as "Super teams" because when the likes of Leicester, Munster or Toulouse get drawn against a Scottish team their reaction is a hearty cry of "Super!"
In the southern hemisphere the main attraction out with the international realm is the Super 14. This is a tournament in which the top 14 regional sides from New Zealand, South Africa and Australia compete. As such the use of the "Super" adjective for this event seems slightly more appropriate than the SRU's optimistic utilisation. For all the vast talent available across the 3 countries, one team, The Canterbury Crusaders, have dominated the trophy since it's inception in 1996 winning it no less than 7 times.
Another flagship event on the Rugby calendar is the Melrose Sevens. This is a truncated form of the game (7-a-side) and takes place at the end of the traditional Scottish season in April. This is thought to be the longest running invitational rugby tournament in existence and club sides from all over the world travel to Greenyards to steep themselves in the fantastic atmosphere and Borders hospitality. What's more it's a cracking piss up.
The world's most famous touring team The British and Irish Lions set sail once every 4 years. The team, selected from the cream of domestic talent, embarks on a six week long tour of either Australia, New Zealand or South Africa taking on both their international XV and the best their domestic game has to put forward in a series of games.
It is widely held to be the greatest honour the game has to offer a British Isles rugby man, but the prestige was tarnished somewhat when former England supremo, Sir Clive of Woodward, selected a squad that seemed to include every able bodied male England, Ireland and Wales had to spare for the 2005 tour to the Land of The Long White Cloud. The situation became something of a farce when rumours started to surface that he had even resorted to smuggling a couple of Scottish players onto the plane.
This year under the stewardship of Lions stalwart, Ian McGeechan, the trip to South Africa promises to be a far less fraught experience with assurances that Scots personnel will only be considered if they have a valid PCV (Passenger Carrying Vehicle) entitlement on their driving license and some form of first aid qualification.
The Final Whistle
The sport of Rugby Union has come on light years since that toffee nosed upstart decided to ruin a perfectly good game of football with his petulance. Now it is a multi-million pound industry played all across the globe. With global acceptance, however, comes some responsibility. That teams can no longer be allowed to drink, fornicate and fight their way through their annual fixture list makes the sport a lot more palatable to the casual observer who only wishes to dip their toe into the rich waters the game has to offer. To the lifelong enthusiast this dilution of the spirit and shenanigans by the politically correct administrators, over zealous fitness coaches and Health and Safety officers the world over, have made the game safer, cleaner and a damn sight less fun to be a part of. That said as long as there is still 30 stupid, immature blokes with scant regard for their own dignity or physical wellbeing on this planet, there will always be Rugby!
Rugby union is a contact sport, played with an oval ball, by two teams of 15 players. The object of the game is to evade opposition while in possession of the ball and attempt to put the ball down over their line in order to score a try (see scoring).
The game itself is widely believed to have originated (and indeed gained its name) at Rugby School in Warwickshire. A miscreant pupil attending the school, one William Webb Ellis, decided that the game of association football (soccer) he was engaged in was dashed dull and thought to himself "To hang with this" With that Master Webb-Ellis promptly picked up the ball and tore off. The ensuing melee was deemed such fun that it became a regular pastime (amateur and latterly professional) with its own international and domestic tournaments, not to mention the launch pad for any number of bawdy drinking antics.
Rules
To the casual observer the game of Union would appear to have no laws whatsoever other than those held within the Chaos Theory. There are, however, some basic tenets which you should be aware of.
1.Passing - when passing to a team-mate the ball can only travel backwards or at best laterally.
2.Tackling - although it often appears to resemble a common assault the rugby tackle does have certain safety criteria which must be adhered to, well just one really, the tackler cannot tackle the tacklee above shoulder height. Anything else is fair game.
3.Violent conduct - contrary to popular belief this is not etched into the constitution of the game and is actually deemed not to be a good thing. On occasion, however, it can be useful in ensuring the integrity of the game remains in good nick.
4.The match consists of 2 halves of 40 minutes which at the higher level of the sport can be enhanced by injury time, but at the grass roots level is generally curtailed in the best interests of the players, referee and viewers alike.
Set Pieces
There are a couple of peculiar formations which take place on a rugby field that can at various times be mistaken for synchronized swimming, line dancing and mud wresting (which to those of us with specialist interests is not an altogether disturbing combo). These highly technical manoeuvres are rigorously choreographed and rather bizarrely, participated in by the least cerebral members of each team (see Forwards).
The first of these is the Scrum. Scrums are required when minor infringements e.g. dropped balls or forward passes are committed. They can also be awarded when the match official can no longer keep up with play. Scrums involve numbers 1 to 8 (see positions) manhandling one another and then attempting to push their 8 counterparts off the ball which is placed democratically down the middle (occasionally).
The second set piece is the Lineout. Once again our big fellows get together to sort out their differences in an uncommonly civil fashion. The lineout occurs when the ball goes out of play. It is often deliberately kicked out of play by a Back, in order that he and his fellow backs can gleefully amuse themselves with the unedifying spectacle that unfolds.
The ball is thrown back into play and the larger gents stand in line and then attempt to morph into graceful beings and lift each other skyward in a desperate bid to catch it. It truly is a hoot!
The other curious amalgamations of human limbs, hair, blood, sweat and saliva which take place during the course of the 80 minutes are rucks and mauls. A maul is like an impromptu scrum which the players decide to embark on without the express wishes of the referee. These are fairly loosely regulated and can meander across the playing surface for what seems like an eternity, much like a herd of migrating wildebeest on the Serengeti but with less purpose and grace.
Rucks take place on the ground and what goes on in a ruck hopefully stays in a ruck. The official has some discretion as to the start and end point of said event but in between time he is largely redundant and powerless to intervene on some of the most despicable acts ever perpetrated by one human on another. On a more positive note, however, it is believed that many young players have lost their virginity whilst and/or being rucked.
Scoring
There are three differing processes which can result in a team accumulating points.
1.The most difficult and therefore the best rewarded of these is scoring a Try. This involves transporting the ball over the opponent's goal line by means of running, passing, kicking (the ball), rucking and mauling. The reward for achieving this unlikely feat is 5 points. This 5 pointer is called a Try because in the original format of the game achieving this did not in itself garner you any points. What it did, however, was entitle you to Try a kick at goal for which points would be awarded. This opportunity is known as the Conversion. This still applies and if you are able to kick the ball over the bar and between the posts you will get an additional 2 points.
2.The most common fashion of scoring in rugby is a Penalty Kick. Despite my rather cursory rundown of the rules, there is in fact a litany of infringements for which a match official can award a penalty. If this award is made within range of the posts, a teams designated kicker may wish to attempt to kick the penalty. If successful his team is rewarded with 3 points.
3.A third means of collecting points is the tricky art of the Drop Goal. A drop goal involves the peculiar act of a player intentionally dropping the ball and striving to kick it on the half volley i.e. at virtually the same time as it hits the ground, between the posts. This can be attempted from anywhere on the pitch and at any time during the game. If successful the drop goal is worth 3 points. Famously both Joel Stransky (SA) and Jonny Wilkinson (Eng) have landed drop goals to win the World Cup for their nations. We don't hear much about Stranksy these days because it's been a while since he last played. Funnily enough we still hear plenty about Jonny....
Positions
The fifteen positions on the rugby field are broken down into 2 very diverse sectors "The Backs and The Forwards". In lay mans terms the backs are slender, handsome, technically gifted and fleet of foot. They are numbered 9 to 15. The forwards can be generically classified as the larger, slower, less aesthetically pleasing and more cumbersome proponents of the game. Numerically they can be identified by the digits 1 to 8.
Below is a brief summary of the names, tasks and responsibilities associated with each position.
15. The Full Back
The full-back is a glamorous, high profile player who acts as both the last line of defence and potent attacking force from deep. He would usually be expected to be a speedy runner, a defiant tackler, a skillful handler and an adept kicker. In the current Scottish set up any one of these qualities would be welcome. Famous exponents of this berth include Andy Irvine, JPR Williams, Gavin Hastings and Serge Blanco.
14. Right Wing
The wingers are traditionally the finishers, the fancy dans who get on the end of the rest of the teams hard work. They do most of their business on just the right side of the touchline where in more parochial surroundings they can often be subject to the lively repartee of opposing fans which can often upset their fragile equilibrium. By nature they are expected to be both lightning quick and bone idle. Throughout the years many of the games great names have plied their trade in this outpost, Gerald Davies and Tony O'Reilly to name but a couple.
13. Outside Centre
The outside centre tends to veer towards a strong running, deft handling sort who can make breaks up the middle of the park and generally act as a launch pad for attack from anywhere on the field. Such is the varied requirements of the position that players like these are gold dust at the top level. Brian O'Driscoll, Jeremy Guscott and Phillipe Sella are renowned practitioners of the art.
12. Inside Centre
The inside centre (or what the Kiwis helpfully refer to as the second five eighth??) can be one of two things - a bludgeon or an auxiliary playmaker. A good example of the first species would be Danie Gerber or Scott Gibbs. The latter type could be personified in Tim Horan or Mike Gibson.
11. Left Wing
Much the same as their right sided brethren, these glory hunters make their name off the labours of others. There are some wingmen, however, who could be said to be fairly useful in their own right, notably Jonah Lomu, David Campese and Bryan Habana.
10. Stand Off/Fly Half/ Five Eighth
The playmaker of the team is often hallowed as God's right hand man in the Welsh valleys (particularly when he manifests himself in the form of a Barry John or Phil Bennett). The number 10 is usually the most technically proficient in the games finer arts (passing and kicking) yet notably lacking in some of the grimier aspects (tackling for example). Different styles of player dictate different styles of game. King Carlos (Spencer) exemplifies a running fly half putting opposition defences on the back foot with daring breaks and cunning sleight of hand. Meanwhile England's Rob Andrew preferred to grind teams into the ground with his relentless precision kicking game. The current darling of the rugby world, New Zealand's Dan Carter, combines the best elements of both types of games for an all singing all dancing rugby superstar. For the lesser spotted tackling ten see the lesser spotted Jonny Wilkinson.
9. Scrum Half
The scrum half acts as the supply line between the carthorses (the forwards) and the fly boys (backs). He follows the big forwards around the park like a little lad trying to hang out with his big brother and his mates, shouting the odds and making a nuisance of himself. As a result he often has a particularly nasty strain of the Little Man Syndrome and sometimes needs to have his dummy reinstated and hushed to sleep. He is also required to put the ball into the middle of the scrum, although usually opts to circumvent any possibility of an even chance by placing it directly at the feet of his number eight. Prime examples of the diminutive dictator are Gareth Edwards, George Gregan, Roy Laidlaw and Joost Van Der Westhuizen (who is neither small in name or physical stature but no roll call of greats for this position should omit the South African legend).
8. The Number Eight
The rugby fraternity performed the equivalent of splitting the atom when naming this position. Sadly the same degree of imagination was not applied to the naming of the other 14 slots. Your number 8 plays at the back of the forward pack. He is often used as a battering ram; programmed with the instruction to target the weaker, smaller back division. Good examples of this big bully are Dean Richards, Buck Shelford and Scott Quinnell. Other proponents such as Merv "The Swerve" Davies, the extravagantly gifted (and named) Zinzan Brooke and Italy's Sergio Parisse have brought a little more flair to the role (indeed the latter flaunts his elan to the extent of squiring a former Miss Europe)
7. Open-side Flanker
The flanker or wing forward as he was known when one word was generally regarded to be the lesser relative of two, is a player with the speed of a backline player and the intelligence of a forward. This hybrid can sometimes create the effect of a human chasing their own imaginary tail. Whilst this may be heartily amusing for everyone else, it leaves the poor soul with either an identity crisis or a delusion of grandeur. Players who have best coped with the paradox are Fergus Slattery, Richie McCaw and Richard Hill.
6. Blind-side Flanker
So called not because they are one-eyed or notoriously poor drivers, but because they traditionally defended the narrow side of the pitch aka the blind side. This introspective remit forced them to broaden their horizons and they are now often a valuable attacking link between the forwards and backs. Exemplary exponents of this role have included the French Rick Parfitt look-a-like Jean Pierre Rives and blonde Bok-shell, Schalke Berger.
5 & 4. Second Row
In another spot of creative appellation the players going by the title 2nd row actually form the second row of the scrum. The second row is often referred to as the engine room which powers the scrum. This assertion is much to the chagrin of the front row so it is a good one to perpetuate. The team's tall guys are also known as Locks as they are seen as the glue that binds the scrum together. Given such monumental responsibilities one would anticipate a fairly high brow practitioner to be at work here. It is, however, often the complete opposite especially in the physical sense where the Neanderthal overhang of the brow and the sheer size brings to mind a Mary Shelley-esque creation like The 2 Martins (Johnson and Bayfield). Other monolithic structures to have filled the spot include the legendary kiwi "Pinetree", Colin Meades, the menacing (Herman?)Munster skipper Paul O'Connell and the late great Broon Fae Troon whose joie de vivre was the exception rather than the rule for these imposing chaps .
3 & 1. The Props
The Loosehead and Tighthead prop forwards are not only a breed apart because of their screwball names, but by the very nature of the task they undertake in which they are expected to be more than a little lacking in the upper quarter. Their necks and shoulders bear the full weight of their fellow forwards and are used as conductors channeling the power directly onto their opposite and equally mentally bereft number. Much as I would love to go into the black arts of propping I have little interest in entering into the much vaunted Front Row Union which they love to harp on about. This is (hopefully) a fictional congress created by these wretched souls to give the impression that there is a lot more going on in there than we would ever care to imagine - there isn't. To keep it simple the props are the fat chaps who pride themselves on eating pint glasses in clubhouses (in the absence of available small children). Those who have served with distinction over the years include Os Du Randt, Tom Smith, Jason Leonard and David Sole.
2. The Hooker
This fantastically named player is not necessarily so-called because of a propensity to perform sexual acts for money (although what they do in their own time is entirely their own business). They are an unfortunate lot, guilty by association with the props but not deemed sufficiently deranged by their front row companions to join the mythical union. The name hooker springs from the fact that they are required to hook the ball when it is placed in the scrum. This debatable skill often leads to bravado claims of "strikes against the head" (successfully hooking the ball when the opposition scrum half puts it in). These are like Brigadoon to hookers particularly now the ball tends not to come anywhere near either of them these days (see Scrum Half). When achieved these apocryphal occurrences are spoken of in hushed, reverent tones ad infinitum. The hooker is also responsible for orchestrating the chaos at the lineout, where they call out a secret code e.g. "big balls 0 5 0" before throwing the ball to the opposition. Colin Deans, Sean Fitzpatrick and Keith Wood have all proudly got their legs over and hooked for their countries.
Tournaments and Teams
There are now many tournaments worldwide catering for the game at all levels. The flagship of the game is the Rugby World Cup which was first staged in 1987 in New Zealand and Australia with the former triumphant. It has been held on a 4 yearly basis thereafter. On the 5 subsequent stagings of the tourney Australia and South Africa have each prevailed twice (although the Springboks first victory was blighted by allegations that the Springbok number 6, N. Mandela, had tested positive for prison food). England ensured their rugby followers endure at least 40 years of hurt by winning it in 2003.
The tournament has its very own classy official anthem "The World In Union"sung by Dame Kiri Te Kanawa. The grandiosity of this operatic opus means that it does not translate very well to the rugby bus. In lieu of this, unofficial ditties such as Alouette , The Yogi Bear Song and Dinah are more commonplace.
The International Tournament or the 6 Nations as it is now known, is an exciting annual event competed for by England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, France and Italy. It is much loved by the Scots as it gives them an outside chance to beat the Auld Enemy (The English) on a yearly basis. The Welsh enjoy it primarily because they love giving their English counterparts what for. The French sophisticates enjoying nothing better than stirring up national fervour in an attempt to put one over on those English oafs. It is heralded in Ireland as an opportunity to exact revenge on their long term oppressors, the English. And finally it allows the Italians their once a year victory against, yes, you guessed it - Scotland!
In international terms New Zealand are the most glamorous and famous of all nations. A small country with no more than 3m people they merrily pillage the Pacific Islands to top up their own native (Maori) players and to ensure that their tribal battle cry, The Haka, does not look even more ridiculous by being performed by a team of white men with names like Gallagher, Fitzpatrick and Clarke. The perennial unofficial best team on the planet has only ever held the official crown once - after the inaugural competition. This is a constant source of mirth to countries who take the game considerably less seriously than the Kiwis.
The club game in Europe is dominated by the Heineken Cup which despite its name is not wholly based around drinking challenges. This is the European Cup where the big teams from around the continent compete for the prestige of European Champions. The Scottish "Super teams" also take part in this spectacle for a brief period each year. It is believed that they are known as "Super teams" because when the likes of Leicester, Munster or Toulouse get drawn against a Scottish team their reaction is a hearty cry of "Super!"
In the southern hemisphere the main attraction out with the international realm is the Super 14. This is a tournament in which the top 14 regional sides from New Zealand, South Africa and Australia compete. As such the use of the "Super" adjective for this event seems slightly more appropriate than the SRU's optimistic utilisation. For all the vast talent available across the 3 countries, one team, The Canterbury Crusaders, have dominated the trophy since it's inception in 1996 winning it no less than 7 times.
Another flagship event on the Rugby calendar is the Melrose Sevens. This is a truncated form of the game (7-a-side) and takes place at the end of the traditional Scottish season in April. This is thought to be the longest running invitational rugby tournament in existence and club sides from all over the world travel to Greenyards to steep themselves in the fantastic atmosphere and Borders hospitality. What's more it's a cracking piss up.
The world's most famous touring team The British and Irish Lions set sail once every 4 years. The team, selected from the cream of domestic talent, embarks on a six week long tour of either Australia, New Zealand or South Africa taking on both their international XV and the best their domestic game has to put forward in a series of games.
It is widely held to be the greatest honour the game has to offer a British Isles rugby man, but the prestige was tarnished somewhat when former England supremo, Sir Clive of Woodward, selected a squad that seemed to include every able bodied male England, Ireland and Wales had to spare for the 2005 tour to the Land of The Long White Cloud. The situation became something of a farce when rumours started to surface that he had even resorted to smuggling a couple of Scottish players onto the plane.
This year under the stewardship of Lions stalwart, Ian McGeechan, the trip to South Africa promises to be a far less fraught experience with assurances that Scots personnel will only be considered if they have a valid PCV (Passenger Carrying Vehicle) entitlement on their driving license and some form of first aid qualification.
The Final Whistle
The sport of Rugby Union has come on light years since that toffee nosed upstart decided to ruin a perfectly good game of football with his petulance. Now it is a multi-million pound industry played all across the globe. With global acceptance, however, comes some responsibility. That teams can no longer be allowed to drink, fornicate and fight their way through their annual fixture list makes the sport a lot more palatable to the casual observer who only wishes to dip their toe into the rich waters the game has to offer. To the lifelong enthusiast this dilution of the spirit and shenanigans by the politically correct administrators, over zealous fitness coaches and Health and Safety officers the world over, have made the game safer, cleaner and a damn sight less fun to be a part of. That said as long as there is still 30 stupid, immature blokes with scant regard for their own dignity or physical wellbeing on this planet, there will always be Rugby!
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