Rastrick Gentlemen Spoofers recently completed their most successful season in their pathetic history by somehow managing to retain their status in the top flight.

Each player has been reviewed and given a score out of 10. The scoring is based on facts alone and it totally objective and unbiased. Any complaints should be directed to the Spoofers Chairman, Mr Mark Edley.

I'm pleased to announce that Andy Mattinson (pictured) has been voted Player of the Season, in spite of some concerns as to whether he actually played in any of the games.

Here are the other player ratings: -

Scott Wood - Once again the loathsome egotist displayed a callous, self-centred indifference to his colleagues which was essentially indistinguishable from utter contempt. He tried. He failed. 4/10.

Mark Edley - In spite of vast quantities of misguided enthusiasm, Edley was once again unable to even perceive the contours of acceptable cricketing performance or indeed acceptable human behaviour. If Edley was in a cricket dressing room sat next to Bin Laden and Hitler and you had a gun loaded with 2 bullets, most educated observers of the game would shoot the ginger goon twice, right in the middle of his fat red face. You would then borrow Hitler’s lighter, set Edley on fire and go for a few pints with your new mates. His well-documented global odyssey of flame-haired felony thankfully restricted his appearances this season, which is undoubtedly a key factor in our relative on-field success. He knows nothing about cricket and struggles behind the sticks when the ball starts ‘swinging in the air’. Given that he is universally reviled and stole all of our money, the only mark that we can offer is a zero and that is an act of uncharacteristic kindness towards the poisonous strawberry blonde useless thieving skidmark. 0/10

Robert Hions - Top marks for enthusiasm and self-delusion but I’m afraid that enthusiasm and self-delusion don’t win cricket matches. Given the Spoofer’s proliferation of top class left arm spinners, he managed to snare an impressive 12 stumpings and became the first player in the history of the Evening League to chalk up more stumpings than runs. He already holds the records for scoring more spectator suicides than runs, in the golden season of 2014 when he amassed an impressive aggregate of 44 runs for the season. Mostly adequate behind the sticks but offering little else, Sir Terence FW Hions0 scores a respectable 5/10.

Mark Wilkinson - It is a matter of fact that Wilkinson is now the most successful captain in the history of the Spoofers. No matter how much I want to, I cannot dispute that fact. All I can do is take off a few marks for a number of minor crimes: 1) Inventing a cricketing superstar mate called Brazilian Dave, who doesn’t actually exist. 2) Allowing Howard J Walker to bowl a single over. 3) Ditto for Clark. 4) Scoring very few runs indeed. 6/10

Jason Middleton - Buddha’s Dad put in a few forgettable performances which we’ll put down to the obvious nerves in his first season as a Spoofer. However, out of nowhere, he blazed the innings of the season at Hall Bower in the final match, but we still lost so it was pretty pointless in the final analysis. 5/10.

Keith Wilson - The russet-haired relic still manages to haul his decaying carcass on to the pitch but how long can a man continue to participate in top-level sport when he essentially suffers from a broken skeleton? And severe gout. His morris-dancing commitments restricted his performances as did his very busy secret life in the specialist bars of Halifax. When he wasn’t enjoying casual yet violent encounters with strangers or engaging in rhythmic dancing whilst waving his handkerchief, Wilson actually put in a few decent performances with both bat and ball. His fielding is another matter and it is so poor he really should be gunned down on the spot. Difficult to see this has-been making it to next year so we’ll give him a generous 7/10 for his efforts in his final season.

Andrew Mattinson - The satchel faced general tradesman had a mixed season. He was unavailable for the first half of the season as he apparently lost his bat in one the many deep furrows on his leathery forehead. In spite of resembling a scrotum with eyes, his name struck fear in to the opposition with a few impressive cameos in the later matches. There is nobody in cricket that applies dubbin to their face and then wears pink trainers and cut-off Brutus Gold shorts. I’m not sure he even played but let’s give him 9/10 for a quite splendid crowd-pleasing effort.

Damian Roebuck - Played once, didn’t bowl. Not seen since. We can only presume he chose to spend the summer thumbing his gargantuan collection of specialist bongo-mags. 0/10

Paul Carter - Still a handy cricketer for a man of 86 years, throwing down his own unique brand of slow left-arm dog dirt and taking sackfuls of wickets in a manner which cannot be reasonably explained. His fielding has deteriorated but given that he made his cricketing debut when Victoria was on the throne, we can forgive him that. 7/10

Brazilian Dave - A figment of our Captain’s imagination. The man does not exist and therefore should not be awarded any points, however I’ll give him a bonus point because even this absent sporting phantom offered more interesting conversation than Skip. 1/10.

Seth Hions - Was unable to play this year due to his betting commitments as Thursday nights clash with the Equatorial Guinea Water Polo fixtures, with Seth taking a keen interest in the vibrant betting markets for these fixtures. His lasting impression was as Umpire for the fateful 19 ball over from Clarky, resulting in Seth’s arms being frozen into the wide position for all of his sorry life. A new career as a professional well diver hasn’t really taken off yet. 4/10.

A J Hemingway - Hemingway was missing in the early part of the season as he focussed his energy on his ill-fated attempt to secure the Rastrick CC drinking Championship. It then took him a couple of months (and several defeats) to ‘get his eye in’ before finally clearing the ropes with a mighty 6 at Upperthong. Has already thrown his hat in the ring for his second stint as Spoofers Captain in 2018 in a leadership bid that is unlikely to go challenged. 5/10.

Mungo Sheppard - Supremely enthusiastic and highly motivational. Sadly, that’s all he’s got these days. 1/10.

Howard J Walker - Another Spoofer with limited appearances. Walker found it difficult to balance his responsibilities as a Father, Husband, far right-wing activist, holocaust denier, committee member of the Aryan Brotherhood, Grand Dragon of the West Yorkshire dominion of the Klu Klux Klan, respected forefather of several white nationalist movements, and cricketer. His jackboots were only spotted on fleeting occasions, most memorably when he unleashed the third worst over in Spoofer’s history in the final game at Hall Bower. Post-match analysis revealed that all we had to do blow his car up on the way to the game to ensure victory. We decided not to for fear of repercussions from his well-documented international network of henchmen and supporters. 2/10.

Nicholas Delaney - Rubbish. 0/10.

Tom Bennett - Hardly worth a mention after a solitary, miserable performance at Hall Bower. If only his sporting talent was a fraction of the size of his quite unfeasibly gigantic jug ears. A talentless goon who gets a solitary point out of sympathy. 1/10.

Steven Holroyd - See Nicholas Delaney. 0/10.

Matt Clark - Southern gobshite who wanders the cricketing earth like Kung Fu, looking for any club that will accept him. Bowled the 2nd worst over in Spoofers cricketing history with a 19 ball nightmare, which thankfully occurred on the longest day in June but only finished a couple of weeks ago. Absolutely tragic individual with nothing to offer on or off the field and is currently wrapping his limited possessions into a hankie tied to a stick before continuing his doomed search for acceptance. -8/10.

Paul Shaw - A quite magnificent human who displays commendable humility in spite of being ridiculously talented in comparison to his ‘special’ colleagues. Was spraying sixes all over the borough before taking his foot off the pedal to allow his less gifted colleagues an opportunity. A selfless and shining example to all cricketers who takes no satisfaction from his own exceptional individual performances unless it results in a win for the team. 8/10.