Redingensians Rams Rugby Club

Redingensians Rams Rugby Club

U17s vs Twickenham

by Paul Clark

Redingensians 51 - 22 Twickenham

Today is the end of an era,

Under 17's last official game

So I was asked to write the report in verse

And try to mention every name.

(please note - you might not make it if your name is hard to rhyme!)

A good night out was had last night,

A thank you I need to say

To Karen and Ian Oliver -

Who confessed that he was gay!

(ask him about the badge)

I do feel a bit of resentment,

And need to take this last chance

To ask again whose idea it was

For the ladies to be banned from France???

Yes, I mean the upcoming tour,

The whole thing just isn't right.

Men only ( yes, Ian it does include you)

An idea both outdated and shite.

But let's get back to the game in hand

And concentrate on the match

And try to use some proper rugby words

Like running and pushing and catch.


Oh crap, I’m late for the kick off,

The game has already started,

We may have already scored a try

Which might even have been converted!

(7 – 0) (Coaches interjection; Kieran charge down & score; Jam conversion)

Sharky – apparently 14 stone 12,

Scored the very next try,

Whoever kicked for a conversion

Missed – the ball disappeared into the sky.

Twickenham had a great break

A quick run from their man on the wing,

They scored their first points and converted

Seven points for doing their thing!

So I’m looking to see who is playing

Who has turned up for the match,

Sam O, Matt H and Callum

Plus someone – no name – but can catch!

Just spotted Craig on the sideline

Eating Jelly Babies galore,

He did have the manners to share them

Big Pete kept asking for more.

A quick word about the coaches,

Alan and Richard and Big Pete

Who loyally stood at the sidelines

Watching every victory and every defeat.

And Bernie our fabulous manager

Sending messages and e-mails galore

With details of 12.17 pm starts

Which loads of the parent's ignore!

Let's 'big them up' for their efforts

And how much they've done for our lads.

(still think you're old fashioned and sexist

For making the tour just players and dads!)

Another try has been scored

By some boring old bloke’s lad

I think he goes by the name Kieran

So much more talented than his poor dad.

Twickenham got another break

But got stopped just shy of the line.

I definitely saw Sam Oliver

Getting there just in the nick of time.

I heard a cry of “Played Sharky”

As usual, he did something good.

(maybe, if I’m really nice to his Dad

He’ll give me an Ensians top with a hood!)

Alan got narky with handbags at dawn,

Then another break from our Sam,

A lovely off load to Aaron

And even more points in the can!

I feel that I’d like to mention

Little Cameron and how good he has been

The Under 17s mascot

Always willing and so very keen!

24 - 7.


A call from Alan – ‘Warm up, Tom

You’re going on in a mo’

Three Tom’s shouted a reply,

‘Which one of us is expected to go?’

Ian O was looking a bit fragile,

A little bit whiskery and grey.

Not so chatty this morning

Thankfully with little to say.

There was a really nice tackle from Patrick

Who I accidentally confused with Rory,

Then followed a load of quick passes –

Our boys were aiming for glory!

Twickenham didn’t really penetrate

Into our teams half

So I had a few moments to reminisce

About the wonderful tour in Bath…

Those were the glory days

When mums were allowed on the tour.

It will definitely be crap without us

The whole thing will be a complete bore!

Number 19 was our new boy called Rio,

I don’t know if he danced in the sand,

But he did look pretty impressive

When he ran with the ball in hand.

Just saw someone was spitting,

Horrified that it was my very own son.

I didn’t bring him up to do that.

Not ever, not even for fun!

My hands are now getting quite frozen

And my feet are aching a bit.

I can’t watch the game as I’m still upset

That I actually saw my son spit!

There was quite a lot more shoving

And shouting and running too,

I know so much about rugby now

Technical details all here written for you!

Dave Wareham was here on the sideline,

What a kind and generous man,

It’s fair to say that after his wife,

I’m probably his greatest fan!!

(Don’t tell Charles Dickinson though!)

Twickenham have scored the first try

At least that’s what I got told,

Thankfully, Frankie was paying attention

Whilst I was moaning about the cold!

Lots of shouts came from the coaches

About Aaron’s lovely tackle, it seems.

Is this really an appropriate thing

To shout at U17 boys teams?

A brilliant tackle from Rory

Who smashed a player to the floor.

It would be even more interesting

If only our boys could score.

We could see quite a lot of big Ryan,

He may need to get some new shorts

I don’t think there’s a place for builder’s bum,

When you’re running around playing sports.

The Ref kept blowing his whistle

And we were eventually given the ball.

A massive kick from Jam

Added pressure to get the score to five all.

(try scored – Jake H - 5 – 5)

Actually Jam converted the ball,

Which really has buggered my rhyme,

It would have been much easier

If you’d deliberately missed this time!

(7 – 5)


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Advice was offered to Tom L

From his mum – known as Dr Julie,

Told him to behave and keep quiet

And keep his behaviour from being unruly.

There was a knock on from Hugo

And then the ball was put in the scrum,

Not knowing the rules of rugby

Is becoming a pain in the bum!

Let’s big up the Mum’s for all their support

For their good nature, their loyalty and cheer.

Through gritted teeth, we’ll wish the Dad’s well on tour

And hope they don’t choke on their beer!

An early try from Callum

Put the score to nil five

An absolutely crap kick from Jam

Meant the ball was no longer alive.

A bellow came from coach Bernie,

‘Come on lads, I don’t want you to kick it!

If you do that again, I’ll have no choice,

Where the sun don’t shine is where I will stick it!

Some lovely quick off loads then followed

Followed by a brilliant try

Brian was the one who intercepted

And over the line he did fly.

Some more nice play was seen by Callum

He ploughed through the Twickenham pack.

I am almost ashamed to admit

That I don’t if he plays forward or back.

Twickenham continued to put up a fight

When the ball got lost on the floor

Patrick grabbed it and passed to Brian

Another try to add to the score

A player from Twickers shouted quite loud,

And was clearly heard to say

‘Don’t effing kick the ball again’

Maybe he’ll be a coach one day!

Twickenham fought on and definitely deserved

to get some points on the board.

When their winger got hold of the ball

He ran quickly and easily scored.

They kept the pace up and again crossed the line

To score another try

This one was converted

When the ball flew between posts and into the sky.

Kieran responded almost straightaway

With his usual flair and panache

Weaving his way through several players

And over the line he did dash.

Tom Lee had a moan at his Mum

Told her that his nipples were hurting

He wanted to know how she had managed to do this

And what she had been washing his shirt in!!

(20 – 12)


Post match behaviour was not very good

Big Pete was deeply uncool

He insisted on talking about the tour

Which I found both insensitive and cruel!

The drink off performance from Sam O

Was impressive and shockingly quick

We know if poor old Ian had tried

He would definitely have been really sick.

So here’s to the end of the season

Apologies for names I have missed

But was out last night with Bernie and Co

And unfortunately got a bit pissed!

I have had to make a decision

One that really has been quite hard

But in protest for being left out of the tour

I resign as Redingensian’s bard.

But hats off to all our boys

You’ve really played like a dream.

You’ll all be bloody amazing

When you play for Ensians Colts team


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