Skittles Team - Match centre

The Saints
Tue 31 Jan 20:00 - League

Mulieres Caveant Odor Casia


Mulieres Caveant Odor Casia

Much water has passed under the bridge since we heard the sound of Olveston’s parish bell ringers trying to annoy the Townies who’ve quadrupled the cost of their cottages and jammed their lanes with X5’s and Range Rovers. Alley, who is our official scribe, seems to have taken more than his two extra bank holidays over the festive period, even as I write, he is lollygagging in Jockland trying to sell mobile tin shacks to the Sweatties.

Six – not SEVEN! Six games have passed since that time including another round of the Sally Sellick All In Cup. I’ve neither the time nor the guarantee of your continued patience to write full reports on all of them so I shall furnish you, dear reader, with edited highlights of matches and any notable misdemeanours, a kind of Match of the Day Two if you will.

The Saints v The Hopefuls 06-12-11
Our next game was at home against The Hopefuls which we won 159 pins to 149. It was a reasonably unremarkable game, our first pair of Whispering Ray Horgan and Jesus Christ Cooke ended 8 pins up on their rivals, a lead which we never squandered, increasing it by 2 pins after the last pair. J.C and the Old Comrade Tuckett both caught the clap with scores of 32 a piece.
It was difficult to tell if their were any transgressions of note as this was the period Young Ned had over reached his authority on fines administration and his handwriting is worse than Doc Redmond’s (incidentally, the second worse Chairman we ever had TWCWEH II). Most fines seem to be for the usual; less than three – 20p’s, late on the alley and swanking.

The Saints v The Brass Tacks 20-12-11 1st round Sally Sellick All In Cup
Tuesday 20th December was memorable as Cup Fever gripped Northwood Park. Our first division opposition were the Brass Tacks. The prize, a place in the quarter finals of The Sally Sellick All In Cup! Unable to play Sid (TWCWEH) because of his over active adrenal gland and the resultant danger to our sticker up Ben, our strongest possible side was selected for the clash. The Village Idiot, The Pumphouse, Jesus Christ, The Hour, Young Lord Nedworth (KB) and The Old Comrade. One by one the galliant gladiators steeled themselves for the fight but it was not to be. Under whelmed by the competition, the Brass Tacks obviously put more store in their league status and only arrived with five. We had won by default. Pumphouse top scored with 34, the Old Comrade was clapped with 30. Sporting as ever we lent them one of our own, unfortunately it was Phelper (TWCWEH III) who managed to embarrass us and himself by only managing 12 pins then refusing to pay any fines for his various less than 3’s, ducks and gutter balls, claiming diplomatic immunity by representing the opposition! What a Cad!
After the match the most notable of the fines was handed down to Yong Nedworth who finally got his comeuppance after his dad complained to the bench about his Son’s swingeing abuse of authority. It seems that after being temporarily given control of the official fines and record book he had neglected to return its Office to the rightful heir. His fine of £9.20 seems remarkably lenient in hindsight.

The New Pins v The Saints 06-01-12
It was about this time a real fear among the players was the spectre of the possibility of promotion. The recent publication of League Tables had shown we had risen to fourth and for this wanton act of Swanking the whole team had been fined 50p some three weeks previously. However once again we drove off to the remote darkness of Pilning on the flood plain of the Severn Vale (see last years report [skittles 3 The Odyssey to Pilning]) but this time we had the W.A.G.S. in tow!

This game was meant to have been the Team Christmas meal but as I’d got the venue wrong (and been suitably fined) and it was, unusually, on a Friday night, we relaxed our usual misogynist principles and invited the wives and girlfriends along. (see players & coaches section for profiles). Our opponents were the New Pins from The White Horse, Pilning. There was added spice as the U14s coach Paul Croft was turning out for the opposition! The most notable fact about our opening pair of Windy & Phelper was that the Blowhard ex Chair started 2012 with a bang and managed to score 27 with no gutter balls or less than three 20p’s!! The pair beat their opponents by 3 pins. The next pair of Neddy snr and The Man With No Arse were up against the traitorous Crofty. Squires thumped the said turncoat by 4 pins scoring 32 and receiving the clap. Big Head whupped his opponent scoring 27 against 21, we were 13 up on the match. We were so confident of victory (swanking?) we were able to leave the in-form ‘Hour’ on the bench, our final pair were the team infants, Village and Young Nedworth. Who, despite upending 30 and 35 pins respectively and initiating the clapometer, were beaten by The New Pins anchor pair by 4 pins. The New Year started with an away win which did nothing to allay the fear of possible promotion, the distasteful prospect of ‘serous’ skittles next season and, obviously, another team fine for swanking!
Fines of note for the evening were extracted from Windy, who emulated Sid last season by destroying parts of the alley. TMWNA discussed the possibility of being promoted thus was guilty of swanking and both The Hour and Phelpo despite the Dragon being present, were guilty of letching at the young female sticker upper whose tender years left the offence teetering on the edge of paedophilia!

The Saints v The Hallen Ladies 10-01-12
It didn’t take long for the euphoria of 2012’s first victory and talk of possible promotion to be forgotten. Four days after playing the New Pins we had a home game against our nemesis, The Hallen Ladies. These matronly opponents, you may remember, were afraid to travel to Northwood Park last year preferring to wait until Stoners mob extended the street lights beyond Woodlands Lane, or the Vernal Equinox. However, putting their achluophobia aside, they turned up and stuffed us last year and repeated the feat this time! Nedworth, who obviously shot his bolt after the previous Friday’s 35, was unable to perform for the ladies, scoring a Phelper-esk 19. Nobody got the clap from the ladies either, our top scorer of the night, The Old Comrade, fell short with 29. The Saints managed to hit a lowly 145 pins, The Ladies 160.
Amercements worthy of report were; the failed rocket scientist & MWNA’s satellite delay of at least twenty seconds on shouting Phil of the Herds SEVEN!!!!! He also swanked about getting “last week’s top score” when in fact that honour went to Lord Nedworth. Village was fined for gluttony after eating more than his fair share of El Presidenté’s chips. The Copperheaded Barsteward was fined for applying too much polish on his balls in front of the ladies (you had to be there!) and El Presidenté was fined for leaving early after he left in disgust muttering that the team was crap because we couldn’t “even beat a team of old ladies!”

The Saints v The Inkspots 17-01-12
The normal mid-January Seasonally Affected Disorder lethargy settled over Northwood Park for this match and whilst the result reflected the mood - a turgid draw 157 pins apiece - the courtroom squabbles outshone the dull skills displayed on the alley. TMWNA did indeed top score this week and caught the clap with 32 but let himself down badly by committing indecent exposure! It is unclear quite how his trousers stay up, seeing as he has no arse of note to hang them on. However, nobody is quite sure why he felt the need to unbuckle and adjust his underwear in front of the lady members of The Inkspots! 50p was the resultant penalty. The Hour was heard to say “they obviously needed me last week” [v Hallen Ladies] an obvious swank but then he only averaged a mediocre [for him] 25. Surely a case of pride coming before a fall? 50p. The Voice of Skittles, Whispering Ray Horgan, was fined for belligerently refusing to hand back the chalk after he took over Chalking duty for the up (every one knows Ray hankers after the Chief Chalkers job after serving his apprenticeship at the 1st XV scoreboard). El Presidenté was fined (as usual) for gluttony after hogging the roast potatoes. Pumphouse was fined for speaking in tongues – although the fine should probably have been drunk& disorderly after quaffing too much Natch.

The Saints v The Castaways 31-01-12
The danger of promotion had thankfully passed this week after the publication of the most recent league tables. The Saints now languish fifth, with two of the leagues sides still unbeaten it’s safe to say – without fear of being fined for negativity (or maybe not!) – we will be playing in the bottom tier once again next year.
Last week’s opponents were another all ladies team who at the beginning of the season had sledged and flustered The Hour by commenting on his wonderful, if somewhat large, backside and upsetting TMWNA by wondering where he had hidden his! Back in September we had shown them no mercy by tonking them by 24 pins on their home tump. This time, dismayed at facing yet another team of mature ladies, our confidence at a low ebb, the team were strangely muted. The opening pair of Windy and Whispering Ray only managed 22 a piece to their opponents 26. Four Down. Jesus Cooke, after an opening SEVEN!!! Struggled to find form and followed up with two twos ending with 25. TMWNA was bedazzled by his opponent. Being a bookish cove and always keen to learn new technique, the scientist Squires over studied his adversary’s clever modus operandi ie drop the ball on the alley and let her roll. She played with his mind until he became ineffective as a skittler but very good at raising money for the end of season Bash. His figures ended 3, 2, duck, 3,3, 3, scoring a pathetic 14 and in alley fines alone contributing £1.20. His opposite scored 26, The Saints were already 14 pins down and, as yet, not one member of either side had managed to knock down the front pin which is, ‘as any fule no’, the principal object of the game! To try to bring the match back from the brink, Sid TWCWEH (I) was left on the bench and the resue mission was entrusted to our anchor pair, the tried and tested Neddy Railings and The Hour. This usually reliable duo managed to pull back ten pins on their (obviously past their evening cocoa) opponents, who only scored a total of 41, but with our heroes only scoring average-ish scores of 26 each and at least finding the front pin, it was not enough, we had lost by four.
Fines worth mentioning were dealt out to the Copperheaded Barsteward for picking such a lacklustre team, 50p. Phelper TWCWEH (II) for refusing to play claiming an excessive workload (chatting to Kipper) 50p and Sid’s false shout of SEVEN!!! when in fact J.C. only scored 6, earned him a rebuke worth 20p. And that was about it.
A month that had started with an effervescent victory ended with a leaden loss. The Saints just can’t match the mature matrons of The Severnside Skittles League second division.

Mulieres caveant odor casia, beware of ladies who smell of lavender!

Ps, Just who is The Man With No Arse, Should Lord Nedworth be stripped of his title, who is married to the Dragon and why is Ray Horgan The Voice of Skittles? Discover this and more by clicking on skittles, players & coaches – profiles.


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