Saturday night consisted of Hendricks and Tonic, Sunday morning of Gordons. I dare say for the first time in my life, Gordons may have tasted that little bit sweeter thanks to some sparkling performances from the Wanderers.

Anyway, I think that is more than enough literary libations for one report.

I don’t think I would be overstating it to say that the past few weeks have been tough for the Wanderers and having been soundly beaten so far this season by a host of teams that we put to the sword last term, a visit from unbeaten Gordons Old Boy was approached with more than a hint of trepidation. Our opponents arrived with maximum points from their first five outings, scoring 15 and conceding just two goals in the process. Probably not the day to be turning up with a deflated scratch eleven.

But nevertheless that is precisely what we arrived with on a sunny, if slightly brisk, Sunday morning in Surrey’s recently crowned happiest, richest, healthiest and most crime-free town in Britain (according to the Independent, if you can trust those liberal lefties hey Tim!). That said, for a bare eleven, I’ve seen far worse lineups. Wayne started in between the sticks, no doubt expecting another very busy morning, the back four from right to left read Tommo, Craig, Yaya and Tim, the central midfield trio consisted of Allen, Pernas and the mercurial Dan whom I now prefer to Jay. Flying down the flanks were new boy Bennett and Char, leaving Oli to lead the line alone. Since you ask; the handsome, charismatic bench, jam packed with boyish charm and razor sharp wit was made up of Matty Metcalfe and Sam Ball, desperately hoping their crocked services would not be called upon.

In spite of the previous week’s truly dismal and demoralising defeat, everyone seemed to be in rather good spirits heading into the game and from the second the ref’s whistle blew to start proceedings we looked like a new team altogether from the earlier shadowy incarnations of ourselves.

Much to the derision (according to Oli) of our understandably cocksure opposition, we kept hold of the ball for a full minute straight from the kick off, an achievement not to be sniffed at on a Sunday morning. The first ten minutes were an absolute onslaught and we could have taken an early lead in the most glorious fashion when Char smashed a half volley against the upright following a trademark long throw from Tommo and some superb hold up play from Oli. The big man taking the ball down on his chest, the first of 4000 times in the game as it would transpire, and taking a touch before delightfully laying the ball off to Charlie who was lurking on the edge of the box. Char’s immaculate half volley thundered off the far post with the goalkeeper prone. Unfortunately I was momentarily lost in a fugue like state at the beauty of the preceding move and I have no idea who had the follow up effort that crashed into the side netting, but kudos to you whoever you are, had Charlie’s effort not been so lovely, yours would have most certainly been heralded in a similar way.

A few more chances came and went in the opening twenty minutes or so but finally our incessant pressure paid dividends as Oli once again brought the ball down (possibly initially off his chest) turned the centre half with ease and, via a small deflection, slammed the bouncing ball home to send the home crowd; one old man running sprints on the sidelines and Matt and Sam sharing the flag, into raptures!

Our dominance continued without any sign of relenting and a second goal seemed to be just a matter of time. Again chances were spurned and the Gordons keeper made a couple of sharp saves. Finally however we made the pressure pay. Allen will lay claim to an assist, as his inswinging corner was met forcefully by the head of, trequartista turned centre half, Yaya, powering the ball low into the back of the net. The real assist however must go to Matt Metcalfe for instructing Allen, not two minutes earlier, to ‘try beating the first man next time’ Allen dutifully delivered and the lead was doubled. No coincidence I’m sure you’ll agree.

We cruised through to half time looking majestic; everyone truly looked like they were, for once, really enjoying themselves. That is with the exception of Wayne perhaps who was audibly bored out of his mind.

The half time team talk was positively vibrant, not a single grumble or negative comment could be heard. The message was simple and clear, get back out there you crazy asses and continue to dominate this team. Gordons are clearly a very good side, five wins from five is no accident and at some point they are going to bare their teeth. Be ready for the onslaught and for heaven’s sake keep your legs closed!

The second half began much in the same way as the first half had finished. We were playing the ball around nicely and looked thoroughly in control. The only difference being that Gordons looked less inept than they perhaps had done in the first forty five. Time to stay sharp and focused.

Chances came and went for Wanderers, Bennett and Charlie were making an absolute mockery of their full backs and extending our lead looked a lot more likely than being pegged back for the first ten minutes or so.

It didn’t take that long for the all-important third goal to arrive. Another assist from Matt Metcalfe as Allen yet again delivered an inch perfect corner, onto the head of chest machine Oli who this time felt it prudent to utilise his bonce. He directed his header perfectly back across goal past the helpless goalkeeper and just out of reach of the lunging man on the line. Three goals to the good and cruising.

It was at this point that Matty decided the scene was set for his comeback, he signalled to Tommo that he was going to get changed and come on. Tommo pretended not to hear him for a while and then Allen and Ya decided to take matters in to their own hands. Surely Matt wouldn’t want to come on if the visitors pulled a goal back. And thus it was contrived.

Gordons’ central midfielder picked up the ball on the halfway line and threaded an inch perfect pass through the croquet hoop that Allen was perhaps using for resistance training. The ball was then collected by their nippy striker who somehow managed to beat Yaya for pace before sliding the ball home into the bottom corner. Wayne could be forgiven if he was just finishing the Times Cryptic at this point as frankly this was about the first time he had been anywhere near the play. Now I’m all for keeping Matt Metcalfe on the sidelines but next time you guys are going to concede a goal on purpose can you not make it so blatantly obvious? You’re going to hurt his feelings.

Unfortunately I don’t possess an eidetic memory and I refuse to take notes but I’m pretty sure the exact same thing happened again about 15 minutes later, minus the nutmeg and treacle running, probably prompted by one of the Old Boys suggesting that we might defecate our undershorts if a second goal were to go in.

So they had hauled themselves back to just a single goal deficit (not to be confused with defecate) and not to continue on the rectal theme too much but it was starting to look like squeaky bum time for the Wanderers. Having played for this side for more years now than I care to mention I can honestly say that I was shocked to witness the reaction to the second Gordons goal going in. A serene calmness descended. We kept possession, played out from the back, didn’t dive in, didn’t panic on the ball, it was a joy to behold.

With just a few minutes left to play, the 2016 Kotecha 2.0; Dan, was slid through one on one and with a nonchalance rarely seen in a Sunday morning game, calmly rounded the keeper and slid the ball home to make it 4-2 and in the process put the result beyond any reasonable doubt.

By the time the game drew to a close the local fanbase had swelled to an unprecedented 8 people; the aforementioned runner, a family (including a very friendly lady and her pooch) and a man and his two sons who endearingly referred to Wanderers as ‘we’. Needless to say when the final whistle blew they went absolutely bloody mental.

Now as I mentioned previously I do not have the world’s best memory nor do I have any notes upon which to draw, I would however like to draw your attention to a few personal highlights. Pernas. Martin bloody Pernas, treating us, during the first half, to two of the greatest first touches I have ever seen. Special mention must also go to our supreme leader, (not to be mistaken for the supreme commander, that’s a very different person) who in a gallant attempt not to earn himself a blue card smashed the living hell out of a first time volley from twenty five yards that whistled inches over the crossbar.

Bennett and Charlie, as previously referenced, were truly wonderful. They twisted their respective full backs up in knots from start to finish and both can count themselves very unlucky not to have netted. Bennett embarrassed his marker so much that he left at half time, the ultimate in footballing white flaggery. The aforementioned full back may have found his decision to scarper hastened somewhat however by one of my favourite Wanderers moments of all time; as the ball rolled out of play for a Gordons throw in part way through the first half, the poor bastard found himself unwittingly nutmegged by a crippled substitute in the form of man of the match contender Matt Metcalfe. It was Dele Alli versus Eric Dier on speed and it was absolutely sodding beautiful.

Finally I cannot end without mentioning the fact that four might well, and probably should, have been six. Yaya’s stunning Alli/Gascoigne/Neymar piece of skill in the opposition’s box followed by a crisp left foot volley that smashed the underside of the bar and irrefutably crossed the line (think Lampard versus Germany in 2010) was horribly chalked off after the referee decided that the sensible option was to ask the Gordons linesman for his take on whether the ball had gone in. Needless to say he waved play on. Dan was also criminally denied a penalty when he ran through one on one with the keeper. The Gordons stopper taking man then ball and watching on helplessly as the referee signalled for a corner.

Still, we won so probably best not to complain, hopefully lady luck will redress the balance at a more crucial time. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.

An extremely wise man once said to me; “success breeds complacency and in turn complacency breeds failure” as such, however indirectly, success breeds failure, just google José Mourinho – Third Season Syndrome for proof. One could argue that our poor start to the season so far could be in some way attributed to this but one thing is for certain, Gordon’s Old Boys came into the match having experienced nothing but success, that success bred complacency, and well you can connect the dots yourselves from here on in.

So in summary, Wanderers romp to victory as Gordons bottle it and are schwepped aside at Holloway Hill. My sincere apologies for the puns and thank you for reading. I am desperately looking forward to seeing you all again next week.

COYW