News & EventsLatest NewsCalendar
Match Report - Mayford FC - Away

Match Report - Mayford FC - Away

Sam Ball15 Dec 2015 - 14:23
Share via
FacebookTwitter
https://www.pitchero.com/clubs

Did you hear the one about the dodgy stonewall penalty, the wrecking ball’s absent audience and the donkey punch? No? You’re in for a treat……

On a wet and windy December morning fourteen of Surrey’s finest amateur footballers travelled to the ever popular (a little estate agency parlance for you there) Shalford Park in search of a Champions League victory, a smattering of revenge and a temperamental goalkeeper in an ill-advised vest. Please excuse the plot spoiler but none of the above goals were fulfilled, although I think most were grateful for the absence of the latter.

Despite the time of year but possibly aided by the post-match celebrations, we turned out a very strong side. Wayne remained between the sticks following his man of the match winning performance last week, the back four from left to right read Jack, Jay, Ben and Tim. Allen played in his metronomic holding role aided by Boxall and Yaya who were asked to provide the driving force through the middle, Pernas and Foxy offered the width with Oli asked to torment the Mayford centre halves all on his lonesome. With a veteran looking bench of Jacko, Craig, Tommo and Sam waiting in the wings the pressure was on to perform from the off.

Despite Tom’s rousing pre-game motivational speech we started the game in somewhat of a malaise; we struggled to get our passing game going and with the ball often played long from deep Oli was finding himself more and more isolated in attack. The first big chance of the game came after around fifteen minutes as Allen was sent galloping clear, unfortunately despite the superb timing of his run (I’m trying to make this as positive as I can) the Wanderers very own Claude Makelele (who I’m assuming also has massive balls) saw his effort drift wide of the far post.

I spent an awful lot of the first half not really paying a great deal of attention I'm afraid but suffice to say Tom wasn’t happy with the start we made and changes were rung. Tommo brought himself on in place of Oli up front and Jack made way for Jacko who moved out on to the right wing with Pernas switching to left back. The changes seemed to be working, especially in the wide areas, Foxy was turning the Mayford right back inside out and Jacko demonstrated some fancy footwork of his own to fashion a couple of half-chances. Unfortunately we were still unable to find the breakthrough.

With around half an hour on the clock, disaster struck. I know that opinions may differ on the awarding of the penalty but put in factual terms, a cross sent into the box struck the unwitting Jay on the hand, despite no obvious goal scoring opportunity being denied and without a hint of intent, the referee pointed immediately to the spot. Whilst factual accuracy is the cornerstone of good reporting I seem to remember that Jacko was still on the sidelines when this happened so I may have my timeline slightly askew, please excuse me if this is the case.

The Mayford striker (or midfielder or defender) stepped up and coolly stroked the ball home into the bottom corner, sending Wayne the wrong way in the process. One – Nil, certainly against the run of play but potentially the kick up the proverbial that was required. The rest of the first half played out in a similar fashion, we dominated possession and certainly looked the better side but with the exception of Yaya’s back post header, which was cleared off the line, we created no real chances of note.

The half time team talk was simple; keep doing what we’re doing, get the ball to Foxy and Jacko and Sam could you please shut up and stop interrupting me.

Craig entered the fray for the second half and Boxall grabbed the flag for what proved to be a slightly biased but extremely entertaining forty-five minutes on the line.

We started the second half in much the same vain as we had ended the first; on top in terms of possession and without doubt the more dangerous of the two sides. And thank the Lord our pressure finally paid off with a rasping finish from the edge of the box into the top left hand corner from a rejuvenated Yaya, unrecognisable from the slightly hungover shadow that had completed a full eight minutes the week before. A back handed compliment if ever there was one. From there on in there really looked like being only one winner, as Oli reminded me amidst a barrage of one line clichés and some talk of chamois leather, middle management and the occasional Office reference; we are definitely going to win this now. The curse of the commentator is alive and well.

About half way through the second half Tom exercised his managerial muscle once more to make some changes; Sam entered the fray in place of Foxy as we switched to a classic four-four-two, a forgotten formation of a bygone era; if it’s good enough for table topping Leicester then it’s most certainly good enough for The Wanderers. In my opinion the change seemed to have an immediate effect, Pernas switched to left midfield and he and Jacko began to see a lot of the ball. Craig was pushing on from central midfield with Yaya asked to hold and Allen was switched to left full back. Sam floated in a few tame efforts from distance which were gratefully received by the portly goalkeeper, Jacko saw his excellent cross flash across the face of goal, defeating everybody and away to safety when a goal seemed a certainty and Craig found himself one on one with the keeper, unfortunately for us the Mayford’s stopper’s size and apparent history as a striker belied his abilities between the sticks and he made light work of the save.

With around fifteen minutes left to play we switched back to the original 4-2-3-1 in an attempt to free up Yaya’s attacking prowess. Sam pushed out on to the left wing, assumedly in an effort to make the most of his blistering pace, Pernas slotted in at left back and Allen was restored to central midfield. Apologies if this report reads like a long drawn out list of tactical and positional changes (especially if you’re Pernas) but as you know I’m a stickler for detail.

Our domination continued and until a calamitous and frankly confused attempt at defending a corner allowed a Mayford player to slip in unmarked and convert weakly into the bottom corner we looked nailed on to take all three points. Despite the apparent lack of importance of the game in terms of cup progression it was a bitter blow to take.

The remaining ten or so minutes were a bit of a mess, the game became incredibly stretched as we searched for a winner and an air of desperation took hold. Tommo went off for Oli with about two minutes left due to what we now know to be a fractured thumb and our onslaught continued. Unfortunately with the exception of a low effort late on from Sam, following yet another superb attacking burst from Jacko, which was very smartly saved by the Mayford keeper, we lacked the final ball or the finishing to drag ourselves back into a game that we should really have won comfortably.

So 2-1 it finished, thoroughly disappointing but on the bright side the darkest hour is just before the dawn and an afternoon of drinking, watching Arsenal lose and watching Tottenham win lay ahead. Well we got drunk anyway.

Before I move on to what I vaguely remember of the Rose and Crown antics I must first give a few customary mentions to a couple of standout performances. Jay and Ben were huge at the back, fault cannot be laid at their feet for either of the goals and without Jay’s frightening ability to break with pace and purpose despite being so hungover that he looked like an old woman (citation needed) then Yaya’s goal would not have been possible and the score could have been even worse. Wayne was solid, if perhaps a touch bored, in goal despite a disgusting wound to his right leg that occurred part way through the first half. Allen (once he had been riled by Tom’s goading) was excellent both in holding midfield and at left back and Jacko was, for my money, the best player on the pitch for the seventy or so minutes that he was employed. Sorry if I have missed anyone out but there is more than enough smoke blowing that goes on in this club without me inflating egos any further.

Anyway, on to far more important matters. The now famous Wanderers Christmas do was left in the more than capable hands of social secretary and all round good (kinder) egg Christopher ‘Yaya’ Turner. And needless to say he did absolutely nothing and opted for the 'on a wing and a prayer' approach. Thankfully for us and in spite of Tim’s consternation, with the exception of the Finnish Louis Van Gaal we had the place to ourselves. So………a brief highlight reel: Ben scaring the living daylights out of a (I’m assuming) pubescent Dominoes worker covering what he thought was the graveyard Sunday shift by ordering nine pizzas for collection in less than half an hour. Kate locking herself out, Allen refusing to help, Yaya refusing to help and Boxall coming to the rescue with potentially dubious consequences. Sam’s moment of absolute blood draining terror. Tim being Tim in a big way; donkey punches, throwing women down flights of stairs, something to do with seminal fluid being applied to subsequent facial wounds. I don’t think I need to continue. Tim stealing Sam’s phone and a brief bout of Greco-Roman Wrestling. Allen finishing his pizza. Poo in beards. Pernas’ logic defying darts technique. Some Premier League football being observed. Tom’s voice getting louder. A game of round the clock. A game of killer. Yaya nearly winning twelve pounds. Sam winning twelve pounds. Kebabs.

Then came the entrance music. For those of you who sloped off before we reached this point, firstly; shame on you, secondly; good decision and thirdly; here is a brief rundown in case you didn’t see the videos.

The Bear – Rustling Leaves with a Bafatembi Gomis esque prowl.
Tommo – The Game (I think that’s what it’s called) basically spitting water out in the style of Triple H.
Jacko – Haunting and mildly arousing homage to East 17 with Stay Another Day.
Pernas – A glorious and incredibly aggressive dance routine to Back in Black by AC/DC.
Trendall – Romped around without a care in the world to Guns n Roses hit Welcome to the Jungle .
Foxy – I’m not even going to pretend I’m young enough or cool enough to describe what Foxy did to Vic Mensa feat Kanye West - U Mad.
Sam – A less than impressive attempt to recreate Turk’s dance from Scrubs to Poison by Belle Biv DeVoe.
Ben Coughlan – A disturbing routine to Chesney Hawkes’ The One and Only, his blonde haired hero.
Klaus – For some unexplained reason performed an impassioned rendition of The Rock’s famous theme tune. Unnecessary but entertaining nevertheless.

And that was pretty much it. Oh wait a second.

Great lengths were taken to prepare the room for the entrance of our social secretary and his highly awaited routine to Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus. Unfortunately for Yaya by the time we had laid the mats down, lined up the music and he had burst energetically into the room with a painful looking knee slide everyone had already left. If I find a way to add videos to the website then the evidence will follow shortly of all of these horrendous crimes against music and dancing but frankly unless you’re drunk or were there I doubt they’d be particularly entertaining.

Anyway that pretty much concludes my rundown of the events of Sunday, sorry it’s so long and if you have made it this far then firstly thank you for sticking with me and secondly you have way too much time on your hands. All that is left to say is that Ben Coughlan drank some of Klaus’ spit all in an effort not to appear impolite.

I will hopefully make it down to play/watch/see you all again over the coming weeks and I greatly look forward to that happening. We lost a game we should never have lost, Arsenal won, Spurs got embarrassed by Newcastle and I genuinely don’t remember my journey home but in spite of all this I had a wonderful day. COYW.

Further reading