Thurston Rangers

Thurston Rangers

Silverbacks Go On The Rampage

by Oliver Paxman

For all those who missed the Silverbacks final outing of the year here’s how the whole day worked out...

It was a glorious February morning when the Silverbacks gathered on angel hill for their trip to Woodbridge RUFC. All 23 Men where raring to go, unfortunately only 14 had brought their Kit and Clive Vooght had been held up but would see us over there. In the last 48 hrs 7 people had called off and a list of all those who called off was sent to Paul Scott, who was instructed to find out where they lived and to then burn down there house ‘s and kill their children’s pets ( it’s a hard line, but how will they learn?). We boarded the coach and it was Judged by most that the sun had poked its head over the yard arm, so we enjoyed and glass of vodka and cranberry to wash down our freshly cooked sausage roll’s which Dom Stott had be asked to supply. Unfortunately there were none, the young Turkish kebab seller had failed to pick them up and a riot nearly erupted before we had reached the A14. Proctor, who felt the loss more than the other’s had to be sedated for the good of the coach.

We were on our way, and the cans of Stella and more importantly the John Smith’s which was greeted which great delight were distributed to the eager passengers. Matt Mason took this moment to finish reading his comic and thought it was time to show his hip replacement scar (Along with too much of his arse, cock and balls) to the rest of the group. The time flew by and after 1 hour, a bottle of vodka, 93 cans of beer and no sausage rolls we arrived at our destination.

There was only 25 minutes to kick off so we headed straight for the bar, another couple of pints steadied the pre-match nerves and we were ready for action. It was this moment when a phone call came through for the Silverbacks Captain, Oliver Paxman took the call and after a minute rejoined the group to tell them that he had forgotten to tell the coach driver to stop at Stowmarket to pick up Ian Lewis, who had been standing in tesco’s carpark for an hour and a half, the bad news was then compounded by the realisation that Keith Flannigan was the only other fly half there and would have to don the number 10 shirt. Undeterred, Paxman (Who was thinking about the fine he would receive later) led his team out on to the pitch. The sun glistened off the new silver kit (and silver hair) as they gathered together to warm up, after some general swearing, some drop goal attempts and one lineout we were set, due to our missing players (Lewis-Tescos/ Clive- Whereabouts unknown) we were short in number, we turned to our supporters to see who would step forward to help push us on to victory. The answer was: No one. We looked down the line of former rangers and a list different reasons why they couldn’t play came back, Harvey (no working joint below his waist), Mick Weed (had been back to Newcastle and his nan had beaten him up), Matt Mason (Hip, once again showing anyone near, his scar and the other aforementioned), Speedy ( lack of moral fibre), Colin Mayson (obesity), Jim Edgar (Shagged Out), Stevie Chapman(Scottish) and Roman (couldn’t be bothered). Luckly we managed to gather some of the Woodbridge players to fill in and the whistle was blown. The first half was a scrappy affair and unfortunately we were 10 points down at half time (this it was believed to be because of Pieman’s inability to tackle as was pointed out by Tony Allen). With the half time port being greedily consumed Paxman gave a rousing oration that made Shakespeare’s Henry V speech before the battle of Agincourt look like one of Harry Naylors Bedtime Stories. With that, the cork was popped and the champagne rugby began to flow as the team began to click (mostly arthritic joints). In the lineouts Andy Powell’s throwing in was as straight as a boomerang but due to the ref’s lazy eye the game was allowed to play on, Lincoln Brown in the loose was asking all the right questions (the main one being “why aren’t you tackling them”). With the pressure mounting and some great runs from the members of the chopper squad Simon Hale and Rob Proctor linked up to get ball to the woodbridge line for Paxman to then barge his way over for the try (with no call whatsoever for a knock on). Flaningan swung his Irish boot at the ball and it sailed through the posts. 10 -7. From the restart Paxman lost interest when going for catch and knocked it on allowing Woodbridge a Scrum but the Silverbacks defence held strong ( Pieman was on the other side of the pitch). Under the pressure, indiscipline crept into Woodbridge’s game and after an infringement, Tony Allen took a quick tap from our 5mtr line and was only stopped from running the length of the pitch and scoring under the posts because the woodbridge centre had only retired ½ a foot before he made the tackle much to Tony’s annoyance . The fight was soon over but Sean Watts our winger had injured himself in an earlier tackle and was lying in agony on the ground, Flannigan who was first on the scene and with no medical degree called for the stretcher, Sean Shunned it and rose to his feet declaring he would play on but was an able to run. The next play saw Sean sprinting down the wing after a miss kick and he was able to kick through the loose ball. With the reactions of a startled lamb, Nigel Green raced after the ball which had bounced over the try and we all stood and waited for him to cock it up. The knock on never came, Nigel scooped up the ball and flopped down for his 2nd try in 15 years and the crowd went mad.10 – 13. Unfortunately some more poor tackling (by Pieman) allowed Woodbridge to come back and they answered with 3 more tries. The final minutes ticked away but the Silverback’s centre Paul Wreathel put a trademark hit into the a big Woodbridge runner, causing him to knock on and from the scrum the Silverbacks number 8 Paxman was able to jink, spin and rogéé his way over the line. The final whistle blew and beer was imbibed but the Silverbacks had lost 25 – 17. It was then that we noticed that Clive had arrived looking rather flustered, he then describe that the reason he had got to Woodbridge late due to the fact that he had gone via Southwold and then had to buy a map of East Anglia to find his way to the game (useless tosser).

The rest of the day was fairly standard Thurston behaviour, Fines were handed out. Nigel was awarded the Silverback tankard (which had been carefully polished by Matt Mason) for being man of the match and it was the last time he complained about not having enough drink from the kitty. Paxman was given the dick of the day for forget Lewy and his pint had a distinctive taste of the Caribbean. England Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory against Wales but the most important event of the whole day was won by the Silverbacks as they demolished the Woodbridge vets in a boat race. Harvey then sung through his collection of songs before we boarded the coach.

By this time effects of the alcohol was well and truly entrenched and so the rest of the report is generally the parts I can remember. Pub 1(the Angel)- lots of Gin, reminiscing of past times, Sean Asleep. Pub 2 (cannot remember) – lots of vodka and red bull, reboarded coach, confirmed that we had everyone and started to pull away just before Jim Edgar called asking where everyone was. Songs were sung, John Smiths were drunk and at some point Nigel felt he wanted to sit on the back seat and after being told that he wasn’t allowed, made several attempts to take his place through burglary( It was during his final attempt that he lost his underwear). Pub 3(The Bear) Lots of Beer. Nigel drank his Urine and we left. Arrived in Bury (time unknown) and like rats escaping a sinking ship, the group scattered to the four corners of bury to drink more than should.

 

So Just to tally things up.

Silverbacks 2011/2012

100+ past players and Vets

3 Games-1 won, 2 lost

Tries- 8

Drop Goals-2

3 Boat race’s- 3 won

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Drink- 943 pints, 72 cans of Stella, 48 cans of John smiths,23 Vodka and cranberries, 20 bloody marys, 24 bottles of port, Gin- lots of, vodka – lots of.

Food-2x 3 course dinners, 0 sausage rolls

Injuries- Mick weed’s shoulder, Jelly’s spine, Matt Mason’s Hip.

Damages- 3 smashed pint glasses, 1 toilet cistern, Nigel’s underwear, 7 burnt houses, 4 dead pets.

So that’s it, Thankyou to everyone who has helped me this year and I hope to make next year even bigger.

Cheers

Oliver Paxman

Silverbacks Captain