We arrive at the club at an ungodly hour of 6.30 am. Coach to leave at 6.45 am sharp. This, apparently, is all the information necessary for an organised rugby tour involving 31 people travelling to a foreign country to play some rugby......I believe that word had got out that we would indeed need passports. Luckily the text message to inform people of the time of meeting was sent out Wednesday evening, leaving the tour party some 30 hours to organise a few things of importance. Quite a few of these hours would be spent sleeping and working. However, the resourcefulness of the tour party was evident on Friday morning with all arriving on time ( or most) with copious amounts of alcohol for our journey.
Usual faces are amongst us, some new ones too but, in general, many " old" faces. This is beginning to look like a homosexual saga tour with their young lovers!!! Got to be the worst tour we've ever been on! Finally we all board the coach to head off to pick up a few more individuals of the older generation. The coach stops around half a mile from the club in order to pick up a later arrival. Unfortunately we have stopped at a bus stop. At this bus stop is one poor young lad waiting for his coach. He mistakenly assumes that our coach is the one he should board. A huge amount of encouragement from within the coach sees him approach the open door....he very nearly gets on, very nearly, but eventually sees his error of judgement. If the younger tour members had been in the front seats, he would have been stacking his rucksack on the top shelf and sitting down enjoying a beer on the way to his school.
We meet up with the other tourers only to see that one has obviously been approached by a mobile phone company and given a huge suit to wear in some sort of international promotion. A large orange Deano is unfortunately let down by a black belt and no wearing of clogs.
We make good progress to the port of Dover, where we meet up with the port of Jeff Miles. A fine ruby type dispensed in a hip flask that if you used regularly, would lead to a new hip replacement.
Finally, we board the ferry and settle down for a 90 minute crossing with a bar available... Some sort of tour sensibility occurs and some of us find food while some find Guinness. Talk regarding the forthcoming destination and of what it has to offer is of no value to the tour " fags" . They are more concerned in what morning court has to offer to them.
A safe crossing to the Port of Calais is met with more Port of Jeff. A further 4 hours of travel with a few songs and maybe the odd beer or two finally sees us at the fantastic IBIS hotel in the city centre of Den Haag. A quick view of the room, dump the bags and get out to observe the wonderful culture of a majestic town full of history, beautiful architecture and palatial mansions.
Ten minutes later most of us can be found in a McDonalds restaurant, a local bar or the nearest coffee shop....
Only now, after many years of touring, have I found it important to take a card from the hotel to remind me ( or the taxi driver) of where I'm staying. Some people may find this information quite useful, especially the older tour members who may be suffering from Alzheimer's.
Den Haag has a grid type road system. Everywhere is left, right straight on, it can be very disorientating and over the weekend, this proved to be the case with many individuals falling victim to area. Eventually, an evening comes to an end ( or for many) an early morning comes to an end and we head of to our beds for a well deserved rest.
Morning arrives very quickly, and so does the court session. No one really knows when court is, or more importantly, where. We all believe that the tour organiser is keeping all information to himself, like a massive secret that must not be told. We are not even aware of any rugby matches that we may be undertaking ( if any). During the court session the usual suspects are brought to the attention of judge Oliver who listens, occasionally, to the defence who , occasionally, actually try to defend the defendant. In defence of the defence, the only real defence offered is the lack of tour itinerary, which, in defence, is a good reason for defence!!!!!!!!
Strangely, any alcoholic fine has be consumed off the premises. So, one by one, with our "fines" we march outside to taste the delights of Judge Oliver. This has made a total mockery of martinis' famous slogan of " anytime, anyplace, anywhere ".
Anyway.... The " itinerary" ( Mr Carslaw) tells us that we must be on the coach very soon for our Saturday match, or matches. We have been entered into a mini tournament ( which I thought was a little unfair.... I don't even know the rules of tag rugby). However, it soon comes to light that it is a one day tournament, involving four matches for us of around thirty minute each. Plenty of rugby available for everyone.
The tournament involves one team from Germany, one Belgium, one Dutch, one Holland and us.... Or was it double Dutch??? Now here is where our normal tour reporter would give every single bit of information in his own majestic way with many anecdotes and witty phrases..... Well. Sorry Mr Newnham. We won all four matches. Who scored? Some of us. The scores? We won. Man of the matches? Dunno... Oh sorry, Dave Dunn wasn't there. I meant I don't know. Any good moments during the matches? Max throwing up in every match. Any other comments? Dave Oliver got his shorts pulled down by the ladies team.
After our victorious matches we learn that no trophy has been made for this tournament. Everyone is a little upset regarding this matter however , things turn worse when the players find out that the spectators have spent all the beer kitty whilst they were running around representing our club. A player revolt is soon avoided ( or was it), by the spectators all paying twenty euros into the beer kitty.
The R C Delft (that's rugby club I believe ) have got a fantastic venue and have treated us very well. Their tournament seems to be going over to the next day as all the teams have large tents to stay in. A few bands are practicing on the stage and it is not long before the first band starts up and we all find ourselves in a mini music festival. During all this time the two tour "fags" have been absolutely amazing. The Lancaster sisters, along with the one arm of Matt Lane, have kept up the battle of filling all receptacles, including the gravy jug, up to the fullest potential. Thank you guys for your hard work. By the way the weather was beautiful.
Back to the hotel for another night on the town. Many are feeling the effects of the day and wander around the hotel deliberating what on earth to do next. Others are off into town to lose themselves( literally).
Once again, morning arrives and we find ourselves chatting over the previous night to ask each other what we did. Apparently lots of things happened but no one really knows who did what. Usual night out then!
Court begins and things seem to bring realisation to some of the stories regarding the people involved in such matters. To some though, there is no idea and any charge could be made against these people who would have believed anything. Now, the defence have obviously been studying together and have come up with a fool proof defence that they could use for any charge. After several cases have been defended ( unsuccessfully ) , even Judge Oliver is beginning to see the point of the defence strategy. It turns out that whatever we have done is down to the fact that we were all totally unaware of our actions, thoughts and whereabouts due to the fact that none of us have a tour itinerary. In view of this, Judge Oliver fines the tour organiser the princely sum of €500000 .Or it should have been...... But leniency cuts this fine down to €5.
Into the coach for a forty minute drive to our Sunday match at the R C Diok, (rugby club Diok I believe) Weather today is overcast with a few showers falling. Also there are a few players falling. Chat on the coach soon reveals that the club we are playing this afternoon had their first team in the play off semi final of the Dutch league the day before. We assume we would be playing their 12th team at that rate. We arrive at Diok, to see some huge guys running through some moves, warming up with touch rugby and generally nowhere near as hung over as we are. Not looking too good at the moment. We wonder off into the club house form a beer or two before the match. There seems to be only half our tour party around though. It is not long before we realise that the players are in revolt due to the previous day's beer kitty fund, and refuse to get off the coach. Mr Carslaw has to resume order and is sent off to the coach to liaise with the players. After several hours of negotiations, the players agree to play the match after Mr Carslaw agrees to provide 4 jugs of beer to them immediately after the match.
The match starts amid rain showers. They kick off and the amazing Deano calls for the ball. Everyone knows the result and Mr Chapman doesn't let us down. A scrum is awarded for the knock on from Ian. They win the ball, spin it left, then back to the right, then back to the left. Then they put the ball down over the try line. Five nil and only one of our players has touched the ball. Oh dear, not looking too good from anyone's point of view from our side.
We restart, they gather we tackle. Dave Winstone is putting in some massive hits. Dom Carslaw seems to be all around, Robbie Hayes is knocking people over. The backs are defending well. In fact everyone seems to be playing the game of their lives. After fifteen minutes, the Dutch haven't got out of their half. An amazing fightback from vigo is taking place. Just when our thoughts of doom are beginning to change, a lucky break for the Dutch sees them deep into our half. The resulting line out give access for the large Dutch forwards to smash over for a second try. Our thoughts go back to our original scenario......we're doomed!!!
Once again we restart. Amazingly the same things occur as our last restart. We also begin to win more ball allowing Nick McPherson to make strides into the Dutch. Phil Sewell is smashing through people like Jonah Lomu going through the English team. Unfortunately, due to the weather, handling is very difficult, but it seems that the final pass is absolutely impossible and Dan Billington sees the ball fly behind him, over him, under him and anywhere that isn't near him. This seemed to happen several times and we are all sure that Dan would have scored from all of these.
It never ceases to amaze me why no team in the world practices the "shit pass move". It seems to throw the defence into total confusion, and this was the case for the Dutch as the ball was flung down to our winger. God knows where it went but Liam Wiltshire pounced on the ball in the confusion and ran around the winger to score a vigo try in the corner. Score now I think is 10.....5.
They restart. We knock on they score..... 15......5 at half time.
Second half now, the game is becoming a bit of a blur, not due to alcohol but in the belief that we can actually win this game. The players certainly believe too and once again we find ourselves camped in their 22. Sewell making massive inroads. Sam Scott and John Tobutt clearing rucks. Man of the tour Jeff Miles propping like an international player. Ball being thrown around between the half backs and centres. It wasn't long before the ball came to James Lancaster who burst through the defence to score our well deserved second try. I seem to remember a brilliant drop kick conversion from James Clemence but maybe this was came later. Score 15....10 (or 12).
They restart. Fortunately our forwards collect and start running at the Dutch half backs. Robbie Hayes making good ground. Max Gregory clearing rucks and rampaging around. Good interlink play sees the ball sent out to Dan Billington on the half way line with plenty of space and only one to beat. A certain try....... A terrible pass..... Opportunity missed .....again . Poor old Dan.
The showers begin to cease but our dominance around the park increases. Graham Smith moving into the prop position due to the loss of Phil Sewell sees uncontested scrums. We continue smashing into the Dutch. Everyone making good ground. The forwards rucking well giving us good ball which is wisely used by our backs ( except the final pass to poor old Dan). We camp in their half again. Several phases later with nothing really available for Dom Carslaw, he decides to make a little break. A very good decision. He scoots round, under, over, in between around again then under the posts. Excellent try. I think Mr Clemence adds the drop kick. Score now 15.....17. (Or 19).
The final ten minutes see a battle on the half way line. Defence for both teams is impressive.finally some ground gained puts us in a good position near their line. Now I've had a few beers, I know we scored, I know it was Max Gregory who scored it, but I have no idea how. Sorry Max but you can tell us all about your winning try....Score now 15 .....22. (Or 24).
The final few minutes sees Diok coming back strongly. They are camped on our 5 metre line. Our defence is supreme. Their attack is quite one dimensional. They are facing their first ever loss to a touring side and are not happy. They are desperate to score. Inside passes to huge guys running at speed to get over the try line are constantly repelled by a vigo team who are as desperate to win as the opposition. With seconds to go, Diok knock on. A scrum is awarded. Uncontested, we win and clear the ball into the Diok half. The whole team race up as one unit. The tackles are made. Diok try desperately but a last ditch effort sees them knock on and the final whistle is then blown.
The spectators all agree that it was a fantastic effort by our players. Every player gave their all to the cause.
Well played Vigo..... Enjoy the jugs of beer.
Unbeaten on tour.......
Another night in Den Haag is undertaken with many bars visited. Not very much information available by me or any others.
Thank you Andy Carslaw for another great tour and for all your effort.
Personally I would like to thank everyone who made this possible for me to tour with Sam Fitton, and for looking after him on the pitch. It was an honour to play rugby with you all and to play on the same side as Sam.
It is also an honour to be part of such an amazing club with so many diverse characters of which I consider to be my " best friends".