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Mr Brightside Returns

Mr Brightside Returns

Martin Lee18 May 2016 - 08:45
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https://www.watfordrugbyclub.c

A tongue in cheek review of the 2015 / 16 season, courtesy of Andy Lee

Well, it has come to the end of yet another season of scintillating rugby at Fortress Radlett Road. Therefore, time for another tongue in cheek annual review!

At the start of the season, hopes were high. With a paid coach from the off we were bound to go up, right?! We’d sent our all star scouting team to foreign climbs, with no doubts that they would come back with spectacular rugby talent, or failing that unbelievable amounts of STDs.

Fresh blood had emerged from places unexpected. Mr Wilkinson arrived, tanned and tattooed from his travels and decided Chess Valley wasn’t for him. James and Sam came hand in hand from Loughborough (a fine establishment of higher learning), Mark Hill’s big boy hair started to come through and Luke Diston’s milk teeth *almost* fell out. Felt like a totally new team out there to begin with!

Prior to commencement, the post pre season celebrations took place. There was a moment of majesty as Bramsey Snow attempted to prove that what is dead may never Pie. After a shandy or two too many, the ancient enemies put their differences behind them in a swift bout of queensbury rules. 5 minutes later, a quick kip for someone and then a few hugs and kisses all was well with the world again.

And so the season began! With a nice and hearty win against Haringey, who had just dropped into our league we felt unstoppable! This followed with a nice win against Chess Valley. We found out Josh definitely wasn’t a spy for them after they almost decapitated him with a high tackle. Feeling more secure that there were no moles in our team, we took to Saracen’s Amateurs.

After shooing off the professionals from the pitch, telling Maro Itoje to watch and learn (90% of his 6 nations performance was based upon the ancient Japir Snuffle Rucking technique), we proceeded to go belly up in spectacular fashion. However, a gutsy performance saw us almost win! Unfortunately, “almost” would become a recurring theme for the first team throughout the season.

Then came the Piece De Resistance of the season! The Record Breaker! The trumpeting return to rollicking wins! The only game all season that I scored in! Ickenham was a game that was pretty straight forward for us, and unfortunately for them it was one too many that saw them decide to fall down to the merit leagues. In all seriousness, we wish them well in there and look forward to their return to the RFU setup.

An unbeaten Hendon came to the fortress. And lost giving us a bonus point no less! It seemed like after an early mishap we were back to winning ways! And playing at a Thamesian’s side who were hit and miss all season.

So we went there and lost. Then the fire alarm went off in the changing rooms afterwards. So naturally we evacuate the area. To stand in the cold for 45 minutes. I’d like to give a special shout out to “Big” Sanchez, who managed to stand there in only a hand towel for the 45 minutes, providing eye popping views for the passers by on their way home.

A rather standard Christmas party then appeared over the horizon. One where Diston showed his extreme love that Greg had come back home by making sure that no less than 5 people were told to buy him a present for the Secret Santa! Luckily, Greg already had more than enough discrete love toys / inflatable girlfriends/ leather fancy dress so he graciously shared his prizes with those who were(n’t) fortunate to have felt the love of Luke. A young Mr Horrocks cemented his position into the Watford team by requiring 2 burly men to let him into his own flat and place him delicately on the bed before leaving to find more grog.

So, primed for the remainder of the season, entering in 2nd position, riding high, putting our heads above the parapet! What could go wrong? How about a game where Watford obtain one yellow card but are somehow reduced to 13 men?! How about that for what could go wrong!! I’m still nose deep in the annals of the laws for the reasoning behind this one, but I believe the reasoning is thus: Some of the potent sticky icky that is known to pervade the atmosphere down there managed to waft across at precisely the wrong moment. Still, no harm done so let’s move on.

So, entering into the final stretches of the season Watford RFC had the opportunity to take it all! Only the gauntlet of Saracen’s Amateurs, Hendon and Thamesians were in the way. A tough time indeed.

So to put it plainly and to skip over a lot of pain, we lost 2, almost had to have Mrs Sage-Dunlop forcibly removed from the field after Dunlop injured his foot and she got told off for going on, Andy suffered the Curse of the Seconds, doing himself a mischief after agreeing to help Pie’s Army after a few too many drinks the night before, Josh and James head-butted each other to attempt to get a scar as cool as Brauny’s, and despite everyone’s greatest efforts forceback wasn’t adopted as the best way to warm up before a game.

Before I bid you adieu, I’d like to leave you with some brainteasers to keep your minds agile throughout the off season. Answers on a postcard please:

• Richard Yates leaves for training at 7:00, living 10 minutes’ drive away by car. He arrives at 8:00pm, carrying only a pair of boots in a cardboard box that he has kept for the past year. What is his average travel speed?

• Pieface has played rugby for over 4 seasons, yet still doesn’t own a pair of socks. To overcome this, he borrows one sock a week from his supportive team mates. How many socks can Pieface obtain throughout the year?

• Martin’s tear ducts contain only 5ml of tears. Providing that no one holds an onion under his nose, how long can he continuously cry for at the Dinner Dance?

• Sanchez states that it is illogical to eat lasagne 2 days in a row. True or False?

• Mike Jenks, Tom Gordon and James Braun congregate in one room to discuss the future of fashion. Would they ever decide that it is OK to leave the house in a suit without a matching waistcoat?

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