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The Secret diary of Andrew Duggan aged 13½

The Secret diary of Andrew Duggan aged 13½

Geoff Knight9 Apr 2011 - 10:59
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Excerpts serialised for your entertainment – available through Penguini Books.


Tuesday 13th September 1977

0800hrs - woke up to the radio alarm on radio 4 playing Chinese marching music. Read a chapter from Trotsky’s book. Placed it back in the hiding place under my lady mags. I suspect the CIA is watching me - they know about the ‘Curly Wurly’ I stole from the tuck shop!

0830hrs - Breakfast – I think my Mum is an infiltrator she asked me if I fancied ‘Pop tarts’ for breakfast – It clearly had a double meaning! Did she mean the flavoursome toaster friendly breakfast snack or was she referring to ‘Pans People’ or maybe my obsession with Dana. (She is a goddess – Dad says she’s a bit hairy but I don’t care)

0900hrs - School assembly – Head teacher is clearly a fascist – he began talking about a parable of a man who didn’t do what God wanted. More opium for the masses – thank you Karl Marx. I swear he looked at me when he talked about hell. I wrote his name in my book, on the list – he will be first against the wall next to Thatcher and Alan Whicker.

0940hrs - PE lesson – Edwina Morrison smiled at me – she has a big nose – I suspect she has a hidden camera hidden in her nasal hair. I am being watched!

0955hrs - with school nurse – got punched in the eye by Edwina for calling her a totalitarian bitch! In front of the whole class she pulled my shorts down and laughed at my willy! She’s on the list!

1030hrs - break – Carried out a silent protest against the incarceration of the schools baby rabbit - ‘Fluffy-Chops.’ Wore a placard saying ‘Free the tiny Rabbit’ - the girls asked if I was referring to my willy! (I hate girls).

1100hrs – next lesson Whippet breeding and pigeon fancying. I got sent out of class for objecting to being taught northern hobbies. I demanded the right to learn Latin and home economics. Teacher threw the blackboard rubber at me – caught it and shouted “Nice pass whippet boy.”(perhaps I should take up rugby!) Got detention.

1230hrs - lunchtime – I carried out a one man demonstration in the cafeteria due to there being no vegan food on the menu. I’m not a vegan but it’s not the point – I will always defend the rights of vegans to eat vegan food in my school!
(Note: There are no vegans in my school).
Was given detention by deputy Head Master for this and for saying the book – ‘Kes’ was shit as was Rochdale and all of the bourgeoisie teachers who lived there.
‘Viva la Republik’

1330hrs - Maths lesson – like Mrs Chadwick she has massive bazookas! She told me off for staring at them! Still don’t know what the hell logarithms have got to do with my life but I find them strangely erotic.

1415hrs - History – or the western world’s version of it. Told the history teacher that she had been brain washed by popular culture and that she deserved to die the death of a thousand cuts for her part in the deception of the young. She cried and went home – got detention for 4 weeks!
1530hrs – detention – forced to watch the film ‘Kes’ and write a synopsis – wrote shit, shit, shit repeatedly on two sides of A4. Got corporal punishment by the neo Nazi deputy head and with each strike of the cane I shouted in defiance: “Thank you mine Fuehrer may I have another”

1700hrs - going home to the kingdom of my parents which is run like a Middle Eastern dictatorship. There is no democracy – thinking of employing mercenaries to depose them but not tonight as ‘Blake’s Seven’ is on after Top of the Pops. The revolution can wait….for now…..but one day I will have more than a Sinclair ZX Spectrum computer and I will not just send letters to the Guardian, I will protest against the injustice in EVERYTHING!!!!
Meanwhile tonight I have got Blakes Seven and ‘Servalan’ to think about in her one piece silver romper suit……(Note: Must find my fur glove).

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