There's a famous story involving England cricketer Jimmy Ormond getting sledged by Mark Waugh as he walk's out to bat. "Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England”. To which Jimmy replies "Maybe so, but at least I'm the best player in my family". Look on the bright side Mark, at least you make your family's best XI. Making his 1st team debut at the tender age of 16 as a stodgy solid opening batsman, Steve has been fighting a losing battle with Father Time ever since. Just look at that hair line. It's hard to believe that he's actually still in his 20's... no, seriously! Often the protagonist of team "banter", his comedy repertoire is based more on quantity rather than quality, and can occasionally resemble a fog horn after excessive alcohol consumption. Oh yeah, he does some stuff with numbers too.

Describe yourself in one word.
Wily

How long have you played for Bentley CC?
22 years

Fantasy tea (2 x sandwiches, 1 x savoury, 1 x cake, 1 x wildcard)
Minted lamb, coronation chicken (bread quality ALWAYS important), chicken nuggets, carrot cake, fruit salad

If you could share a century partnership with any cricketer from history, who would it be?
A backs-to-the-wall 4 hour epic with Mike Atherton or Paul Collingwood

What’s the best thing about playing for Bentley CC?
It’s one of the few places I feel clever

Who would play you in a film of your life?
I like to think a great comic actor of our age like Steve Carell or Paul Rudd. In reality, probably Dustin Diamond.

Whats your earliest memory of Bentley CC?
Dropping a caught and bowled in my first ever U11 match at the age of about 9. Fielding hasn't improved, bowling has got worse.

Whats the best shot you ever played?
Played a reverse ramp over slip off the opening bowler last year that I absolutely nailed for a one bounce four – completely wasted in a meaningless T20 friendly against a touring team. Also, despite being nigh on 30, I’ve still hit few enough career sixes that I get really excited every time I hit one.

Whats the best ball?
I don’t really bowl good balls, just slow, straight floaters that batsmen sometimes bafflingly either hit straight up in the air or miss completely. I then claim it was because of a subtle change of pace.

The best thing I can cook is… Omelette specialist, but also do a mean chicken lasagne

Who do you travel to away games with and why?
Whoever will travel with me and put up with my early noughties girlbands mixed with 80s power ballads pump up playlist. So usually on my own.

What is the most romantic thing you have ever done?
Absent-mindedly stroking Peths leg after the 2013 league win

Sachin, Ponting, Lara or Kallis - who is the greatest?
Kallis the greatest, Lara my favourite. Can’t even imagine what it must be like to be able to bat like either of them.

How do you see the rest of your cricket career going?
Next season, Essex finally realise what they have been missing out on. As a surprise choice for the Lions tour next winter, a spate of injuries sees me flying out to join up with the Test team in Sri Lanka. A hundred on debut is just the start, as I enjoy a Gooch-like period in Test cricket up to the age of 40. Retire in a blaze of glory in 2026, last shot in cricket is a scorching drive to win the Ashes which clips the rope and hits Shane Warne squarely on the nose. Knighted later that year.
Or, you know, keep on getting to 30 before slapping it straight up in the air for the next 25 years or so.

Which Bentley CC player do you hate facing in the nets and why?
Baulkers or Wildo. I have absolutely no idea what to do with wobbly 6mph seamers. Also really struggle with Mitchy when he is on one.

Describe your Bentley career in three words
Caught Mid Off

Which Bentley CC player would you want to bat for your life?
Tanker. Reliable sort who definitely, definitely wouldn’t run himself out or be LBW reverse sweeping in his quest to save my life.

A day at the Test match, an evening T20, or watching a game at home?
The annual Bentley CC day at the Test, which seems to get larger and more ridiculous every year, is one of my favourite things. Has pretty much turned into an annual stag do.

If a ball gets teed up in the air, who is the Bentley player you want to see under it?
Either brother, especially if I am bowling. Best hands at the club. Would trust Ash as well. If someone else is bowling and the game doesn’t mean anything, Baulkers or Mitchy because it’s funny.

Tell us a joke
What do you call a gorilla that has swallowed a grenade? A Baboom.

Whats the funniest thing you have ever seen on a cricket field?
Dinesy taking a 5-fer in Amsterdam despite being so drunk he could barely stand up (and in fact fell flat on his face attempting to take a catch) thanks to Brownie, Merv and myself feeding him cider before the game, right after Mitchy had swung and missed at 5 consecutive balls by at least 2 feet at the end of our innings. Admittedly I was quite drunk too, but I have never laughed so much in my life. We are quite lucky as a club to have an incredible amount of players that are accidently hilarious.