True to Brentwood style, the week off with no game ensured we picked up more injuries(!) and a changed side waited nervously at the club on Saturday morning to: A) see if a coach turned up, B) whether the coach driver had a positive IQ and C) whether this week's man of the match, Beefy brought his one string guitar.

The answers on a postcard were: A) yes, B) yes, just and C) no. A miracle of all miracles was declared and the team set off with trepidation fearing some sort of natural disaster (such as a meteor storm) was about to befall them because surely things weren't meant to be this good! Or were they?

Despite a 25 minute detour round the back of Brentwood high street, down Wilkinson Hunter Way (because its quicker then going down the empty high street!!), the team arrived safely and in good time at the excellent facilities of Bury St Edmunds rugby club. Even James "Pee Wee" Cowen made it in time in his little pink thingy, although he did set off straight after training on Thursday night!

The team warm-up went well as the backs got to know each others first names, whilst the forwards drank cappuccinos in the sunshine. Having cut his hand (in a debauched after show, all night party, following his latest very successful tour date - tickets available at www.hesnotreallyaprofessor.com) and having it stitched by the local butcher who got closed down for poor hygiene standards, Pro Green was unavailable and Dan "social commentator extraordinaire" Whitehead slipped his taut, lean body into the 9 shirt. This made way for Crab "Crabby" Chambers to take over the 10 shirt for his first start of the season. With BE Wylie having re-injured his groin in a freak sexual accident in Uddersfield (something about a policeman and a truncheon), the team had a completely new centre partnership, with Brentwood's latest star of the TV hit show, WWIE (Which Way is Essex), Mario Thomas lining up next to Ryan "SB&S" McDee. Finally Graeme "Wally" Smith lost the paper, scissors, rock duel off with Sproutie and had to play at fullback.

Following a quick video shoot in the changing rooms with Director King behind the camera, the game kicked off at 2.30pm with floodlights complementing the late autumnal sunshine.

Both sides started out tentatively looking for each others weaknesses. The excellent Bury kicker punished a number of early offences, as Brentwood struggled a little with the Eastern Counties referee. As the scoreline stretched out to 6-0 in Bury's favour as it became apparent that the game would be a battle of Bury's backs versus Brentwood's forwards.

The half-time score was 20-7 as loose kicking by Brentwood allowed the excellent Bury back 3 to run in 2 tries, whilst, following excellent interplay between the Brentwood forwards, a 5m lineout was executed superbly for Joel "JBR" Bevans-Royster score his first try for the club.

The calm, but firm, half-time team talk took on the usual form of repeating what was said at Thursday night training and with the final statement that "the next person who kicks to their 15 will be made to sit next to Tankylicous on the journey home", the team confidently re-started the match knowing that the next score was vital.

With Brentwood's Forwards Liaison Officer of Procedures, FLOP Sproul, directing the forwards from sidelines like an evil puppet master, the 3rd quarter was mainly played in the Bury half. Starting with an excellent steal at the kick off by Josh “big hands” Cockwood, the Brentwood pack then secured a penalty and following a kick to corner, a lineout was successfully driven over the Bury line for Joely Bevo to score his first try for the club and to claw back some of the deficit at 20-14.

The game continued in the Bury half and starting with an audacious 30m scrum, the Brentwood pack began their attack on the Bury line. After 4 penalties at the scrum, the referee finally gave the ball back to Bury allowing them to clear their lines. However, a good lineout and backs move allowed Brentwood to maintain the pressure ultimately leading to Bury's no 7 being sinbinned. This setup another 19 attempts and subsequent penalties as Brentwood scrummed for the line. Finally, after being asked very nicely (nothing to do with what remained of the Bury’s back row packing down next to Johnny Beith in Brentwood’s back row), the referee gave Brentwood the penalty try. Danny White continued his excellent kicking and slotted the easy conversion to nudge Brentwood ahead for the first time in the game at 21-20.

CLICHÉ TIME!!!

Teams are at their weakest straight after scoring and so Brentwood conspired to present Bury with an easy opportunity to retake the lead and banish any lack of confidence from being mauled upfront, as straight from the kick off they first knocked on, then gave a penalty at the scrum for dry humping, allowing their kicker to slot another superb kick and regain the lead at 23-21. With just 10 minutes of the game left to play, this seemed to spur on the Suffolk side as despite a number of forays by the Brentwood team, Bury launched several attacks on the Brentwood tryline. Good committed defence from the Essex boys prevented Bury from scoring until another kick was collected by the Bury 15 and he made his way through the Brentwood defence. His pass out to his centre was knocked on, but the referee waved play on for Bury to score and extend their lead to 30-21, in a hammer blow to Brentwood.

Brentwood strove initially to get at least something out of the game before considering a late rally for the win. One more try at this point would have earned 2 bonus points but in pushing desperately for the score, the ball was turned over and Bury broke clear and their clinical backs scored another converted try to themselves pick up a bonus point.

In the end Brentwood lost out 37-21, returning home will zero points and a need to improve on their game management. A better committed display in some respects, but ultimately not enough to beat a pacey, well organised Bury team.

The coach journey home took the usual form, firstly taking half the time the outward trip took and secondly with Back Seat Chairman / Little Person, Matt Northy holding court, quizzing the rest of the team as to what they would do for certain amounts of money (I suspect he’s lonely, missing companionship and has just won big on the lottery), whilst boring the players with his incessant singing of rugby songs, refusing to consider to sing anything from the popular charts.

The brave soldiers were greeted with the usual warm reception upon returning to the club and ushered into a small room at the back, where they forced one of the young uns to drink what was left from the coach journey. With spirits slightly lifted, the remaining hardcore drinkers were taxied to the high street by resident taxi driver, Josh “POB 22” Woody as he courted his receptionist “Ang the flange” on the short journey. The not-so-surprise, surprise party at the Terrace Bar drifted into oblivion as someone viciously spiked the glasses of coke being passed around to help sober up the gang. The stagger home for one of the players, took a further turn for the worse and he was again assaulted and force fed 13 KFC mini fillets!!