By Adam 'Podgy' Kearns
On Saturday the 9th of February BAC travelled to Aretians after a tough loss to Ashley down old boys the week before. The local derby game had taken on extra significance due to BAC’s crushing loss to Aretians earlier in the season. Travelling to the hell hole that is Aretians RFC is never a pleasant experience but due to erratic weather it had taken on the feel of entering the seventh circle of hell from Dante’s Inferno!
The pre-game preparations began with the usual build up and anticipation with our fearless leader and coach lamenting our inability to put a good warm up into practice at the start of every game. He hoped that this week would be different and gave a rousing speech, with soundbites aimed Individually at each player to tap into their inner psyche to motivate them, many players had never heard a speech so rousing and assumed this was what it must have been like to listen to Winston Churchill speak…... In truth he actually just said F**king a lot and repeated the phrase legs over and over again (the players were unsure if it was a tackling directive or a call for a modelling show).
As the players huddled to take the pitch the great orator Robert Wilton III Earl of Filton, stepped up to give a rousing cliquey about the challenge ahead and the opposition (for the uncensored version please contact BAC media relations as c**t was used too regularly for the speech to be transcribed here).
After all the build-up the game began and in typical BAC fashion almost instantly a kickable penalty was awarded to Aretians. The kick was missed but in a moment of madness Aonghus O’Donovan opted not to tap the ball down for a 22 drop out but to kick it back to the opposition! With the ball barely making it 20 metres Aretians duly run it back for a score due to poor tackling (at this point Tony reiterated his comment about legs and F**k was uttered another 35 times, along with something about why can’t you all be more like Flynn). The conversion was good and the score 7 -0.
At this point many could be forgiven for thinking that this would be another familiar collapse and loss to Peasant RFC… apologies Aretians RFC. Yet today was not to be that day, the team rallied round and decided that this would not be like other games and that they would put their opponents to the sword, with the following battle cry being heard far and wide “ere mate lets do those c**ts yeh!”.
BAC almost responded immediately when Sam “ages like Dorian Grey” Sheppard stepped up to take a penalty in front of the posts. The captain realised at the last second that scoring a penalty would not be enough and thus purposely hit the upright as he wanted the team to win with tries (this is his official statement when questioned post game).
Accepting their captain’s challenge BAC responded with a try scoring opportunity that Frans “would be faster if he wasn’t hungover” Smit couldn’t quite convert due to a high tackle as he attempted to score. The referee awarded a penalty and acknowledged that he would have scored but deemed it not to be a penalty try (The less said about the referee the better but to paraphrase Donald Tusk there is a special place in hell reserved for that man). BAC could not capitalise on the penalty but a few moments later they scored due to the majestic running of Nathan Moore (picture a cross between a baby elephant and a rhino trying to do a pirouette). The surprisingly nimble number 8 has made scoring tries a habit this season which is very impressive considering that he does so with great efficiency (official stats show 14 tries with only 18 metres made on all carries this season).
Frans did score a try at some point before half time but the details were missed as the match reporter was busy discussing with the other substitutes the pros and cons of taking contract roles for a greater salary increase but with more instability #firstworldproblems #itshardtosurviveon£100k #mosteducatedbenchintheleague
After the interval BAC began to go through the gears with a mix of hard running from the forwards (notable praise for Scot “harder than a diamond in an ice storm” Ramsey) and great lines from Aaron “so young he needs a permission slip to play” Grand. Aonghus redeemed himself with some trade mark runs making defenders miss on multiple runs (none of whom were smart enough to realise he only steps one way).
Alex “looks like a c**t but is actually a great bloke” Wellington produced a memorable moment when on a pick and go he decided to throw a dummy so convincing he confused himself leading to the tacklers standing him up and stripping the ball from him, spurning a potential try scoring opportunity, many believed this would be the moment that sealed cock of the day but the game wasn’t over yet.
From this point on the flood gates opened and another try for Frans and a great finish from Gary “faster than he looks but that’s not saying much” Chard put the game away and the victory was secured for BAC. Cock of the day was secured when the substitute winger Arsha “Malteser” Etebar seeking selfish glory, attempted a risky rush defensive move! Luckily he was spared embarrassment due to textbook cover tackling from the rest of the backline. When questioned why he did it teammates were unable to make out his reasoning due to some ramblings about peasants, single sleeve accessories and scotch whisky.
When the final whistle blew BAC had earned 5 points after a comprehensive 26- 7 victory.
Man of The Match - Aonghus O'Donavan
Cock Of The Day - Arsha Etebar
The item each player must bring to the next game is a picture of themselves at senior school.