So what was our game plan? Lets play on the boggiest pitch since the Somme! I am sure I saw a couple of Nazi corpses floating in puddles on the far 22 metre line. I am not exagerating (well I am a bit) but one of the puddles was at least a foot deep.

So we set about warming up which basically constituted of bitching about the cold and wet. Then Welsh Gaz turned up and made us do that stupid 'On-side, On-side, Up' thing. Where we walk to and from the 22m line doing various Mnistry Of Silly walks impressions. And try and avoid the frozen remains of Frozen Fritz and Bloated Boris. We were actually talking tactics about these conditions and how to handle the ball in the wet.

Right we are ready to go.... And play on a completely different pitch. Well that wasn't a waste of time then. Onto the first team we skipped merrily. (to the sounds of The Count squeeling, 'You can't go on there The first team won't like it!!!) Well they can stick their newly irrigated pastureland where they want. We just want to play rugby not water polo!

Kick off.

We were going into the sun during the first half and they kept kicking it long to Clarkey at full back (they spotted our weak link then!) and chased it up well. So did I and I knocked out Browny after about three minutes when he ran into my hip. Which, to be fair I have been spending the last month tryinging to make a lot more cushiony? But fair play to him he got up and played on.

Rob Hunt got a girly gash on his nose (and I mean a small wound, oh thats no better... err) HE CUT HIS NOSE! thats it, he cut his nose.

We had, what we thought was a perfectly good Try disallowed a good try from Clarkey, who, apparantly got a side step for Christmas! The Ref didn't tell us what why, and they broke from a 22 drop out and scored.

Now, I know you should play to the whistle but he never bloody blew it. Anyhoo we were a try down and we were two down five minutes later when we missed a tackle and they broke through. Now I'm not mentioning any names! Except Kyle's! he missed the tackle it was all him him him!

**** G A N B - that's bang out of order...

The highlight for me in the first half was when Clarkey got punched in the face! Well lets be honest a sight like that will cheer up most peoples day. He got thrown to the ground by a Prop, jumped up and withdrew his punching arm to give the cheeky fellow a lesson in Queensbury's finest (He then saw it was a huge prop put his hand down and then the prop Punched him in the boat race ! mint!) There wasn't even a scuffle after as it was so obvious, he just held up his hands and went, 'OK, Ok I know...' Was it going to be red or yellow? The Ref was one metre away! What did give? Bugger all! a penalty! Even their players couldn't believe it!

We got on with it and had much more of the territory and and possession. We were camped on their line and they defended well. Rob Hunt, G man and 'Dangerous Brian Danny Ingram' made good attempts to get across the line and when I actually did the old git didn't give that one either!

In other news I have joined the Youthenasia society. (Editor; if I'd not butchered the report, this would make sense to you!)

We should have gone into half time drawing but we were two tries down, We were rightly pissed off. We huddled together and swore the unbreakable oath that we would get back into this game and win. we were the better team and really felt we could and should win!

So we did what every self respecting Camp Hill Second team does... We let in two tries straight away, missed tackles were the cause. As I put in Bowlsey I have to drop Gaz and G in it too. But we were all at fault though.

After that though we rallied again. We yet again had a lot more of the ball and we were dominating where the game was played. In their full backs hands! Bugger me he had gas. But we defended resolutely (and he had girly hair). Our tight play was going well. We dominated their line out and forced a load of not straights in the line. We more than held our own in the scrum against a front row of three 20 stone plus lard arses. We even knicked a couple of their balls (well I did).

****Chin up Australia! No seriously...

But then the straw that broke the camels back! They actually won one of their own line outs! The two jumper had nowhere to parry it as we were all over it, so he parried it back to his hooker who was still standing off the pitch from where he threw it in. He caught it and jogged in to scored from five metres. We laughed out loud, so did some of the Sutton boys. The Ref did not laught he gave the fr!ggin try!. That moment was probably the one of the most bizarre (so called) Try's I have ever seen on a rugby pitch!

But we kept on plugging away at the Opps and Alex Thompson went over in the corner after some good back play from Liam, G and Browny. And, would you believe it Liam kicked the bugger over from the touch line. Well it appears another one of our brethrin got a little gift fron Chris Cringle over Xmas!

****Dyslexia is not remotely fanny.

We continued to dominate play and when Browny dropped down over the line about 3 metres away from the ball with their whole back line inbetween him and the ball, "Sir" gave the score. Even Brownie ran away from the ball (not that he was anywhere near it) Laughing his head off shouting I was nowhere near it! Moz promptly scuffed the two pointer. Phew normal service had resumed.

Looking at the score line Sutton probably scored again but not much of interest happened before the whistle.

I took two things from this game:

1) Sutton were a decent bunch, One even bought me a glass of wine after the game (I think he was trying to finger me though)

2) Clarkey has that kind of face you just need to punch.

AWARDS:

PRICK OF THE WEEK - Nominne withdrawn by Editor for fear of legal reprisal!

CRAP HANDS - Sutton's scrum half. He dropped the ball over the line althought he had it in two hands and there was nobody within ten metres of him.

CRAP HEART - Kyle, again! well done kidda.

SQEALER OF THE WEEK - Count, when he saw us desicrate the hallowed turf of Kev's wonder pitch! (picture included)

SHOWER DODGER - Kimbo, played away and came back before his shower (the reason could be because of the picture included)

CAMP BOYS:

1. BRAGGY - Some people say he spends just a little too much time with small children, and that he has unnnecessarily boney finger knuckles, all we know is he is called.....

2. FRANK - Regretted that Jack Daniels Chicken from TGI's I had for lunch, oh and that last glass of wine.

3. WOODY - Needs to stop being so nice to the opposing prop (picture inluded)

4. WELSH GAZ - Dominated the line out and the early years of small wooly animals. (Did I ever tell you about my mate Abdullah? he is always going on about islam! I tell you! He really loves that little sheep)

5. PENSOM - His Mrs wasn't wearing that nice read coat :(

6. KYLE - Got around the pitch well in the first half. Made a real difference in the second half when he got substituted! BIG PHIL VITNER came on, bugger me he's had a hard paper round over the last year.

7. DANNY INGRAM (AKA DANGEROUS BRIAN) photo's included - If you haven't heard about Dan's 30th Birthday party in August....you must be dead.

8. ROB HUNT - Bleeds like a girl. (photo included)

9. SMARTY - Not a bad first half. 2nd Half - COOKEY - Well his shoulder is still attached to his torso.

10. LIAM - One great kick, 22 shockers (you see that full back who is really, really quick? yeah! Well stop kickin' the chuffin' ball to him)

11. BROWNEY - Cheat, just like Theo Walcott 'It's something I don't want to see in my game' Glad I sparked you now.

12. G - struggled to break the line as they had 2 or 3 tacklers on him straight away. Kept trying.

13. LITTLE FREEMAN'S MUCKA - Ran all day, which is not suprising as the Alabama State Police are still after him.

14. A WINGER - was replaced by ANOTHER WINGER.

15. CLARKEY - Hit me, Hit me! Oh go on then.... off skiing this weeked, hope it is to Val D'isere!

WINE OF THE WEEK - A Sauvignon Blanc (demi bottle that I snaffled from behind the bar) Just enough for me. The season of good will is long gone. (photo included)

A PLEA FROM ME - Please help! somebody keeps dumping soil all over my allotment! The plot thickens......

FRANK OUT....