Gold Star for getting his Homework (Match Report) in first!

The Scoobie Doo's @ Bournville!!!

Saturday 3rd September, 2011

Bournville 5 - 19 Camp Hill.

Well it has been a long summer, with far too little sport and far too much family time! Frankly it is apparent that I am not that nice a bloke. I have come that close to stabbing at least one of my in laws on more than one occasion (this week). I have been buzzing about the start of the season for a few weeks now but for me it fell on my birthday weekend. So let's be honest I got fr!ggin' hammered on Friday night. Basically it consisted of Peroni, sambuca, chips and curry sauce and the laughter as my wife got her head stuck in the taxi window.

So to be fair when Liam told me I was on the bench I wasn't too gutted. Alongside Dog, we thought it would be nice to sit in the sun and have a nice chit chat. Maybe pop over to the Tesco Express over the road from Birmingham Poly, where we were playing... But no, it is such a shock but randomly, with two subs on the bench, both were on within twenty minutes! Summer stamina me thinks! Before the game Pogo was telling us that there tries would win most games this season. At half time he was going that three tries was not good enough? The sentiment was right but I don't think he expected us to play that well in the first half!

And to be fair I don't think that Bournville thought we could either! Two coaches, lots of shouting in the warm up and around ten subs, (nb their first team game was called off) let's be honest, the Cadbury making Umpa Lumpa little fake tanned little buggers got the pasting they deserved!

We started really well! Put them under pressure from the off! A great kick off return and we put them under pressure in their own half from the off. I think we were driven on by the distinct lack of students who were obviously too skint to afford to watch rugby, they were probably out car booting all the stash from the looting riots. The apparent lack of 'benefits support' lead to a great. Start from the Camp Boys, ooh err missus, we bullied them in the tight and when they span it wide. Well the nine was that bad it took two bounces for the ball to hit ten! Captain Hook. Would have had a better spin pass! We could have cleaned out at the breakdown a little better but apart from that the start was pretty faultless. Liam charged down a clearance kick and Adam Pinfield followed up to touch down. Liam called for the kicking tee, me and Dog looked at each other and he decided it would be. Fine idea if I went to get it. Liam got the kick, obviously. The changing rooms were miles away as well. Then I got back and Clarkey wanted tape for his elbow, back I went.... Then it was the wrong f*****g kicking tee after Ash had scored from a catch and drive. Rob Hunt was off by now with a trapped nerve in his back. Dog came on and told the ref everything that he had been doing wrong and promptly gave away a penalty! Ash Measham then had to come off so the sweaty, drunk, just had a glass of wine in the Gun Barrels - while watching the cricket, sub came on.....oh it was me if you couldn't get the subtle hint.

Now G was about score from a great clear out,quick hands and a nice break out wide. But not before the opposing scrum complained about the smell of booze from our front row! I said sorry it is my birthday when Luke Mac popped up with the fact it was his as well! Well we were having a chat when the ref went, seriously boys! Can we play some bloody rugby here? How rude! The little so ‘n’ so was only about twelve. And when the discussion about wine of the week kicked off I don't think he appreciated that either. But basically that sums up how much we battered them up front! We could chat rubbish and still drive them off the ball. I think the real score was 3-0. Half time came and went, which obviously gave the Umpa Lumpa's some passion. Yes they scored one try, but that s it....

End of, we had a great defence. They only scored after 10 mins in our 22, after Kyle was binned for what has to be the a good bid for the most stupid binning of the year. Tap penalty and he slaps the ball out of the scrum halfs hand! Once the likkle wef got the right coloured card out it was yellow.

There were no more scores but no let up, we had never beaten Charlie's Chocolate munchers away before but as I said at a scrum, when they were complaining about us delaying things, don't worry son you'll still get dicked - no come back at all. A physical and mental shoeing!!!

The team of joy....

1. Luke Mac - 24th birthday looks good for it, scrummed well after the disappointment of not being subbed at half time.

2. Nat Street - Played well, moved to prop and battered his opponent. Better stay out there kid.

3. Ash Measham - battered his way well until injury forced him off.

4. Danny Ingram - thirty and already in the row...

5. Mark Newton - big guy, big game. Sorry son, I threw my one line out badly!

6. Adam Pinley - ran well, needs to boss the breakdown. A good future...

7. Kyle Bowles - Really, his game was highlighted by one silly move. Played well aside.

8. Rob Hunt - shaves his knackers, is a teacher = my kids won't go to Arden School.

9. Jack Jones - on his own....

10. Liam - is a sex object. Every time he wants sex, Hayley objects,

11. Marc Brashaw - didn't play, but I saw him in the pub today and said I would include him. Ps Sally is duffsville.

11a.Clarkey - hurt his elbow.

12. Jermaine - let's put it this way, Ali did not touch the ball once.

13. Ali Wildy - today joined the Klu Klux Klan

14 Mark Lisle - scared the soft brown stuff out of the Umpa's in the first half, defended well later on.

15. Ben Simon - a very good game

16. Dogs hit- came on,cheated,shed hair and made me buy his beer. A complete arse.

17. Frank - a God among mere mortals. Apparently smells of last nights wee.

Awards:

Man of the Match: Jack Jones. But that doesn't do the team as a whole justice. It was a great start to the season to watch 17 guys battle till the end.

Crap hands: The Umpa Lumpa scrum half.

Willy of the Day: Kyle, silly yellow card.

Comment of the day: Luke, Frank, what is wine of the week? - me, a Sauvignon, not too dry... Their prop, ooh that sounds nice, their hooker, will you fookin push please?

Wine of the Week: Oxford Landing Pinot Grigio..... Not a Sauvignon, but I was a bit drunk when I loaded the bag...

Frank is back with a vengeance, kicking up dusk.