Saturday 2nd April 2011 (report actually finally written 6th April)
I can only apologise for the tardiness in writing this report but I have been struggling ever since the game. I had had a few weeks off and taken the kids to Florida for our annual 'take the kids out of school in term time' holiday. Which was nicely timed to miss England F*CK UP another Grand Slam claim. Orlando and Disney were all very nice but it was pointed out to me that my facebook update status of:
'I AM OFF TO TAMPA WITH THE KIDS!' - Could have been mis-construed by people who were unaware of our where-abouts! And so it turned out when I got home and social services were waiting for us to take the kids away. Anyway we all had a good laugh about it and I should get them back any day now...
As I say I was a little ring rusty (welcome to Ruffy's world) anyhoo, I woke up on Sunday morning (and monday, tuesday.... for that matter) feeling like Jordan's thigh's after night out at the MOBO's.
But I enjoyed the game immensely.
We arrived at the Shrine and were ushered into the second largest changing room as Bounville firsts had taken the bottom two 'cupboards' only to be shared with DK 3's a little bit later!!! Now they weren't going to have a very good day were they? THIS TACTIC SHOULD BE USED BY KEVIN EVERY WEEK! Even if they are the only team at home. Just get Skin, Oscar, Mary, Count to carry kit bags into the other changing room and there you are! Mental advantage #1!
We all got changed in our spacious surroundings and traipsed out onto the field of battle. We DK were out in good time for a third team and started pissing around and having a fag (and a glass of sauvignon blanc in my case) We had Kimbo as our Silvio Berlusconi like leader as Forrest was off for the day to take his Missus to Drayton Manor for her birthday!!! What a lothario he is... (she isn't 14? is she? I probably should have checked that?) Anyway after the first team kicked off we all realised that there was no ref in sight! Ahhhh! so we sent Floydy to go and see what was up! (ie the slowest person on either team!) 1 more fag and a top up? Why not. They both turned up ten minutes later. It turned out to be Floydy's worst mistake of this lovely new year! Now I know if I criticise the ref Editor in Chuff Mr Freeman with delete it but at the end of the game we chatted to DK and we couldn't work out who he had been worse for.... nuff said!
Referee Slating Free Report!
Now Dk turned us over by about 45 points at their place so we knew we were in for a battle! they had a big pack and we knew we had to defend around the fringes. And bugger me did we!!! This was without doubt the finest defensive display by a (so called) lower team in all my years at camps. There was no structure, 'first man is mine' malarky, no 'onside - onside - up!' shite just 15 overweight and unfit guys tackling their hearts out. Our half backs were Barry Brosnan (42 years and hadn't played since last May) and Kimbo (52 inch waist and hadn't stopped talking since last May) We may not have got the ball out wide very often but they did what they could and did it well. Barry got our first points from a penalty from a kick on nearly the ten metre line (how the hell? we all said...) But he did well, and we were ten - nil up when Barry took a quick tap in their 22 and passed it to me (sorry) But it was a good try (ask anyone!) 2 sidesteps AND I boshed their 20 stone second row! - no really! Barry added the extra's.
That was to be the end of our scoring, but not the end of our valiant effort. We battled well in the line-out and the scrums. They were much bigger and taller but we did just about hold our own in the tight! Fair play to Braggy for agreeing to prop after saying he wants to go back row! You did well mate, face it you are a decent prop. I have been trying to get out of hooking for about a decade now! But just like in GODFATHER PART 2 - 'Every time a trya to get out theya just keep pulling me back in!!!'
They rumbled well but we kept putting them back on their arses. It was great to watch, as a forward probably, because neither team really got the chance to spin it wide. When they did their great big lump of a wing with his sleeves rolled up to his armpits (a la Aussie Rules) kept dropping the bugger and we kept running into bigger guys! But our back row rallied well and very little was turned over. But after about 30 minutes they had a few periods of sustained pressure in our 22. This did lead to to two pushover tries. But, bugger me did we try our damndest to keep them out. No blame at half time just praise and determined encouragement to keep up the great defence! We just said we know what we have to do! We know what they will run! And we know we will get no help from anyone who turned up late, in trainers, not knowing where to place a scrum from a not straight in the line (from their hooker, by the way...)
We made two subs and would make a few more with ten minutes gone. These changes didn't help us at set pieces - they never do - but the boys who came on did just what we asked of them. Defend, defend, defend!. Now don't get me wrong we had our moments! and made them scramble but what I take from this game is the heart the team put in. We did have our chances but it would have been hard to take them against a team that actually do train!
There were a few points to mention about the rest of the game. DK scored once more to take the score to 17-10. But other than that never looked like bothering the scoreboard. I would say that we actually had the lions share of possession in the second half. Forrest actually turned up? Thomas Land can't be that good then? And promptly got involved by gallantly calling for a huge up and under and then promptly dropping the f*cker!!! Nobba! But Aussie Rules winger boy tried his best to make him feel better by dropping a few more balls. There was lots more huffing and puffing that will be of no interest to the neutrals, but special mention must go to Hicksy, Blakey jnr and big Jack for keeping going.
At the very end we did have a chance to sneak a draw after pinning DK back into their 22 for ages we got a penalty 5 metres out and the Pete 'the cheat' Karate ran off without tapping the ball (obviously the ref didn't see this) and he so nearly scored it was gut wrenching (especially for those of us lined up with a five man overlap out on the right)
Yes, when the whisle had blown we had lost but it didn't feel like that after such a hard felt battle.
Well done boys, lets keep up the hard work for the last couple of games....
1. Braggy - Lets face it mate you are a prop, always will...
2. Frank - I thought I played quite well.
3. Hobsom - Scrummed well.
4. Hicks - Got around the park well. Tried hard in the line out.
5. Big Jack - Did everything asked of him.
6. Blakemoor the younger - Got around the pitch well.
7. Blakemoor the elder - Showing his age.
8. Floydy - Did well to sub himself. Deserved it too, after finding that ref.
9. Barry Brosnan - Under suspicion of blowing up that Irish copper.
10. Kimbo - PLayed well, it pains me to say.
11. Andy - battled to get into the game
12. Freeth - Didn't get much ball. Tackled well.
13. Baker? - As above (whoever it was)
14. Thomas - Also tried hard to get into the game.
15. Baker - Isolated, tackled well.
Crap Hands: Was going to Be Aussie Number 14, until Forrest started laughing at him for dropping the ball! 'Pots and kettles, my friend!'
Prick Of the Day - Anyone who turned up late, in trainers and was unaware of the rules of rugby - hmmm, cryptic?
Cheat of the Day - No you didn't tap it, but well done for not chasing conversion attempts.
Squeeler - Bourneville 1's - 'We can't all fit in there!!!' - Yes you f*cking can...
Man (Men) of the Match - 1 - 17, a great defensive display.
While writing this silly report the immensely sad news about Sam Yarwood's passing came through. Nearly made delete the silly thing I had just written. I am sure all who knew him, played with him, got skinned by him at training will share with me in mourning a great kid.
A thoroughly nice bloke, a great player and if you knew him or even just heard stories about him, knew that even though he was taken so bloody awfully early from us, he really enjoyed his time here.
Rest In Peace Sam, you will be missed....