Cotham Park 20 - 8 Aretians

Perfect conditions at Failand gave way to good if unspectacular performance from Cotham 1st VX as they welcomed Bristol rivals Aretians. In many ways, Cotham and Aretians can be likened to Wales and Samoa respectively. Cotham, with their large Welsh contingent, lottery line out, flair and (today – at least one of them) large wingers faced up to the tattooed, slightly gnarly, “like a good scrap” visitors. However, in this instance, rugby would prevail.

After a weekend off the previous Saturday (no game due to a seemingly mass-holiday for the Cotham players), the boys where fresh and chomping at the bit; a few rather disgusting tash’s had appeared above the upper lips of many a player, including Johnny A’s Super Mario/Mexican drug smuggler effort and Pete Ashby looking like Adam Thompson off of New Zealand, or possibly a short-haired Keith Lemon.

The team lined up with Mark Riston retained in the front row, Mr. Jimmy demoted from the 2nd team to slot in at full back and a debut for giant wing Tom Millership.

1. Keifer Sutherland
2. Mark “Riston” Ritson
3. Tom “Who’s Pushing?!” Wilkinson
4. Pierre Del Bono
5. Victor “Don’t Touch Me” Okpevba
6. James “Rhino Target” Sage
7. Adam Thompson
8. “It Wasn’t Me!” Alexander

9. The Australian
10. Ricky Bobby
11. Tom Miller Ship
12. Henry VIII
13. Ben Higham
14. Tom Hicks
15. Mr. Jimmy

16. Terry’s Chocolate Orange
17. Marcus “The Hood” Wooldridge
18. Dom Carroll in 10 Years

Pre-match fun included Ezio explaining in the most innocent European way what he had heared about “Aretians”, Marcus throwing stuff around the changing rooms like a proper hoody, and Victor having a minor boot crisis before discovering a pair that would fit his clown feet somewhere in the club. This would obviously irk him during the match, but more on that later.

Warm up, good. Chat, good. Banter, GOOD. To the game!!

Cotham kicked off down the hill, Ricky playing his first game at Failand this season getting things going. The home side got off to a blistering start, after a turnover and a little rumble on the far side of the field gave the backs excellent ball. Ricky flung a miss-pass to Ben at 13, the ball eventually making its way through the hands to “the Millership” on the left wing. Expecting great things from the newbey, we anticipated he might use is large frame to bosh through his opposite number, but instead, a quick goose step and he was off. Like an oversized man-rocket, with stripes on his face and nitrous in his shoes; debut try in the corner, Damo pushing the conversion wide.

Cotham’s blistering start continued minutes later. Back in our own half after a clearing thump from the Aretians 10, Ricky decided to put boot to ball. The kick looked misplaced at first, the visiting 15 catching easily. He had plenty of time to push a return punt down field, but seemed not to notice Cotham’s 12 running towards him (I don’t know how, his portly frame creating a momentary eclipse of the sun). He could have also quite easily lifted the ball over Ace’s head, given that he at best resembles a slightly dishevelled hobbit; but a charge down was the result. And after a second of confusion, the centre collected the ball and headed for line. Ben was on hand to feed information, calls of “you’re on your own, you have time” where soon replaced with the mild panic of “UNDER THE POSTS!” Matt, reluctant to run any further, gave in and dotted down between the sticks, ready for Damo to convert. 12 – 0.

A squirly penalty attempt from Aretians and a successful one were their only real threats on the score, and as the half continued, more and more cheap shots worked their way into rucks, mauls, and in particular, scrums. Cotham’s lineout was working ok, whereas the scrum was creaking after some early-game parity. Johnny A had taken a nasty knock on the shoulder, and so Marcus was introduced. Cotham’s backs squandered a couple of moves before the shit really hit the fan just before the end of the half. Aretians were on the attack, their sizeable centre getting caught by the usually mild-mannered Victor. Rather pathetic cries of “dangerous tackle, dangerous tackle!” from the aforementioned 12 as he hopped along on one leg, Victor clamped to the other, were soon replaced with shouting, pushing and all kinds of bother. What happened I don’t know, but the sight of Johnny A breaking off his leash from the touchline to get involved had everyone worried before the ref eventually got hold of the situation. Mario retired back to the sideline, popped on a black hoody and made a hash of looking inconspicuous (think Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”) while he got a telling off from the official, before the yellow was brandished for big angry Victor and an Aretian.

The half finished just then.

The interval pep talk from the ref was a bizarre experience, the official (who was excellent on the day) suggesting that we were awesome and that we could win by 40+ if we “play the rugby”. And that was the message from Karl and Dom too; play the rugby, we win the game...

The second half started much like the first. Some good kicking from Ricky and Damo got Cotham out of a hole early on before working our way into the visitor’s half. The back row trio of Sagey, Marcus and Pete Ashby were making yards at will, with the two Toms continuing their first half form. After some spoiling tactics in midfield, Ben Higham was given a chance to claim a try after breaking clear, only to be caught and subsequently drop the ball over the line: he was ridiculed after the match for his try avoidance, but in his defence, it was a tough chance on the stretch (I would’ve scored it). Scrums were now going backwards, stifling Cotham’s opportunities. Cries of “who’s pushing then?!” from Ginna was met with laughter in the backs, as was Sutherland’s cries of “stop punching me”. It sounded like a horrible place down there...Other comedic moments in the half came from the Aretian’s winger’s attempt to imitate a rhinoceros, attempting to use his noggin to bash past James Sage after the whistle had blown, then giving some appropriately rubbish chat. Acey waded in with a few rhino-themed quips, much to Dom’s amusement on the sideline.

Higham would make amends for his earlier try avoidance, finishing off a fine sweeping effort. Good lineout ball from James Sage and an accurate pass from Damo released Matt towards the defence. Pete Ashby then teleported himself into a gap to collect a pop ball before offloading to Ben, who went over for the score.

With Cotham’s scrum really starting to suffer, Aretians began to apply a little pressure. Big hits were now coming from both sides and it was taking its toll. Aretians did well to try and get back at the home side, but in truth, we never looked like losing. Set piece misery led to series of failed penalty attempts at goal and a number of tap and goes as we searched for the bonus point. But it was Aretians who got the last laugh. Camped in the Cotham 22, A’s spun it wide from another dominant scrum for the winger to score in the corner. However, approximately 50% of the players on the field missed the whole thing as the last of the skirmishes broke out following the scrum. Victor obviously took exception to something, offering each of the visiting forwards up for a bit of fisticuffs, before finally picking on the wrong man – James Sutherland. The prop forward using his considerable negotiating skills to work his way out of getting a pounding from the now fuming Victor. Sutherland later admitted that he thought Victor was less likely to see a red card if he knocked one of his own players out!

During this, Jimmy also woke from his slumber, stretched, and made an attempt to look interested. In his defence, Cotham’s lack of decent possession, excellent first line defence and continuous pressure on the visitors meant that Jimmy, like a highly-paid, rarely-bothered premier league goalkeeper playing QPR, had little to do.

The game ended, and Cotham looked rather disappointed with a win. They soon realised the mistake and frowns were replaced with smiles all round as we collected our first W in three.

Many of the boys’ smiles were increased after learning that the Aussie’s had put one over on Ingerlund. And everyone was happy that Ben had decided not to feature his “joke of the week” this Saturday.

Good job lads.

Man of the Match: Pete Ashby (although I thought Sagey played particularly well, and Millership had a blistering debut)

Tries: Tom Millership, Matt Ace, Ben Higham
Cons: Damo (1)
Pens: Damo (1)

Cheers,

Matt Ace