Cotham Park 35 - 0 Spartans

This home fixture was the first one in several weeks for the 1st team. Playing again on our hallowed turf after such an absence was delightful - everything was in its right place which set a perfect scene for a Cotham win, i.e. The weather was dry and windless, Jenny had her camera poised, fantastic support (and real-time advice [I‘ll expand on this later]) from the sidelines, Victor had a haircut which made him look super fly and Captain Dom was back in his rightful place as starting 1st teamer and a forward. Round peg in round hole stuff.

Current affairs and social satire dictated the fund raising show of compliance in the form of horse paraphernalia. A few brought in said items but many fines were collected - especially when player’s claims of owning a horse sized penises literally carried no weight. In this week’s report, you can expect horse puns and random observations from the film XXX 2: The Next Level (staring Ice Cube and Samuel Jackson).

1 Tel
2 Fatlegs
3 Rob
4 Ken
5 Victor
6 Jonny
7 Pete
8 Dom

9 Damo
10 Ricky
11 Millership
12 Simon Donovan
13 Ben
14 Elliot
15 Trigger-Wellsy

16 Freeguard,
17 Kerry
18 Ashcroft
19 Esio

From the first Ricky kick off Cotham were flying. This deep kick was not caught but knocked-on. Scrum Cotham. All Cotham. Our big strong forward dominated this and every subsequent one. It was obvious how this game would play out. A couple of phases and scrum resets later, the Cotham scrum pushed over the try-line to give Dom at 8 his try.

Samuel L. Jackson (SLJ) is playing US government agency boss man (as per usual) but thankfully doesn’t have white hair or an eye patch.

Apart from the scrum being awesome, often turning over scrums, (Tel said he nearly passed out from the pressure generated by Victor and co!) our line outs were good too. Winning these set pieces is pure vanilla for the backs. Hands were excellent and the forwards initial work was rewarded. Simon Donovan’s ball carrying abilities are terrific and gleefully formulaic - catch, run, bosh 1st tackle attempt, run, draw two more men, offload in tackle. Millership was set to have a big game too.

Now Ice Cube has busted out of the penn and joined SLJ. They take cover in a performance car chop-shop manned exclusively by smoking hot birds with token oil stains on their skimpy overalls. Reality sucks.

Cotham’s next march up field was duly rewarded. After an initial line break by Simon, handy work by Elliot on the wing kept the ball in play and ensured Cotham possession on the 5 meter line. Up steps Victor. Taking the ball at pace from Damo and hitting the scared defense, Victor knocks them down like pins at Hollywood bowl.

Ice Cube’s acting is more credible than the film itself. Blonde hottie has joined the fray but oh no! She’s a baddie and dropped XXX right in it!

Dom’s return did not disappoint, he went crazy horses on the opposition, very hungry, and his diet was a stable one of Spartans. Defense was impenetrable - counter rucking, mauling and general aggressiveness by all Cotham players was total, silencing any neigh sayers.

Wow! XXX has just used the steam ram on an aircraft carrier to fire an armoured personnel carrier (APC) into a tank further down the runway! (I am willing to overlook the fact that the steam ram propulsion system would chronically fail given the massive weight of an APC compared to the much lighter payload of a jet fighter. I don’t want to detract from any of the fun)

Ricky scored a long distance penalty to add 3 points to Cotham’s 1st half points haul.

Half time changes and rearrangement put Kerry on for Tel, Wellsy on the wing and Simon Freeguard on for Elliot. Freegaurd proved to be a true impact sub - running rife through tired and down-beaten Spartan players.

The second half was even better than the first as Cotham really got in their groove - scrum heaves were better timed and balanced as our forwards jockeyed for position, backs link up play was joyous and Ben Higham actually passed to enable a try by Tom Millership on the wing. Ricky converted from a tight angle.

On conversation of shared experiences with Pete after the match, a phenomenon of sensory deprivation that combines tunnel vision and tunnel ears can affect a player during the heat of the game. Often, it is only the loud cry in unison from the sidelines that can penetrate the mind and deliver the obvious message. This real-time advice is crucial and all support from Cotham Park members and associates in very much welcomed and appreciated.

Pete as usual was getting in the action, denied earlier success by marginal forward pass decisions. Millership nearly gifted Cotham a try in one fell swoop after catching, running across the pitch to expose the weak flank, passing a neat double miss pass to Simon but Spartans defended well and put Elliot into touch (Elliot came back on as Wellsy was injured [not too badly as he greeted the team in the changing room stood upright in his pink pants]). One minute later Jonny Kiwi stole a line out ball and went over for a try which was less impressive than his other runs and offloads.

XXX still hasn’t shagged any one yet - disappointing. With a title that contains X’s you would expect some either some hardcore bluey or a refreshing Castlemaine.

Dom scored again in the same way as the first half. Elliot also scored like a true winger, finishing well in the corner ensuring his stayed in touch.

With a strong desire to nil Spartans, Cotham defended stoutly right to the end - Ben Higham was to get his ethereal tackle fix and put some big hits in quick succession.
6 tries to nil, AKA an absolute spanking, but to fair we could have scored more.

XXX has saved the President in ridiculous manner. Everything is right with the world again.

Always a pleasure to play with you lads.
　
Tries;
Dom (2)
Victor
Jonny Kiwi
Tom Millership
Elliot
Pens (1) Ricky. Cons (1) Ricky

Men of the match;
Massive performance from everyone. Great effort.

Ben