Bream 24 - 0 Cotham Park

After a long season, brimming with ups, downs, injuries and terrible passes from Jimmy Cook, Cotham’s 1st XV went into the final game of the season against table-toppers and champions Bream knowing that Gloucester 2 rugby was more or less secured, and that the nervous performances of the last few weeks could make way for a final flourish of unhinged rugby.

The team had a similar look to those fielded over the past few months as we’ve struggled to put together a front row. Kiwi returning from a knee operation to become the skinniest man ever to line up at tighthead, John Williams taking a second bite at the loosehead cherry in as many games, and Marcus returning from his stint on the Great British Menu (he’s the spit of Peter Sanchez Iglesias, head chef at Casamia in Westbury-on-Trym, (see here) just with a little more meat on those bones) to line up at hooker.

1. Kiwi
2. Peter Sanchez-Iglesias
3. JJ
4. Sagey the Punchbag
5. Shizchers
6. Jonny Kiwi
7. Charlie Ashcroft
8. Dom Carroll (c)

9. Damo
10. Ricky Bobby
11. Millership
12. Acey
13. Ben Higham
14. Sam Burgess
15. Mr Jimmy

16. Olly Squires
17. Elliott Broadley

It was a pleasant drive over the sun-drenched rolling hills of Gloucestershire to Bream. As the lads filtered into the changing rooms there was a palpable sense of relief. Relief that the season was ending, relief that we think we had done enough to stay in Gloucester 2, relief coming from the number of poos had that morning...

As the banter broke out, Higham also brought some “tunes” to get everyone in the mood. Nu-metal heavyweights Drowning Pool’s lyrically shabby “Bodies” blaring from Ben’s phone, getting him pumped, all the while masking his secret love of making daisy chains while listening to Enya.

Cotham strolled into the sunshine and down the second team pitch (when I say down, I mean it. It’s literally on a hill) to warm up for the last hurrah.

Kick-off came following a brief chat with the ref, which included some banter from the official (a former representative of Llanelli, Bath and Wales) and a relatively lousy warm up. However, it was soon obvious that this was not the same Cotham that took the field at BAC two weeks previously. The visitors started with a bang, doing plenty of great work on and off the ball in the opening exchanges to put Bream under some real pressure. Our inadequacies at the scrum where plain to see from the off (not surprising given we had two back rowers and a centre at 1, 2 and 3.) But theirs, along with the rest of the pack’s effort around the park would not go unnoticed. The home side had already wrapped up the league and promotion back to Gloucester 1, but a mixture of their complacency, and Cotham’s spirit meant that the visitors dominated much of the first forty.

Damo marshalled the forwards well, the front 8 turning over plenty of ball, with the dynamic and pacey back row enjoying their afternoon in the loose. There was also plenty of go forward in the backs, Matt Ace and Ben Higham both breaking tackles early on in midfield. The first real opportunity for points came from a penalty, but Ricky pushed the kick just wide in the breezy conditions. But Cotham were not limited to penalty opportunities; a superb low, driving spiral kick from captain Dom Carroll – like a diamond bullet released from a gun made of gold - down the right flank put Bream under the cosh in their own half. From a lineout, Cotham worked it wide to Tom Millership who fended 5 yards from the line, the attempted offload just too low for Matt Ace in support, who would’ve been in for the score had his arms been longer.

Ricky’s distribution was also causing problems for the Bream backline, getting the ball out wide quickly and efficiently, giving Burgess and Millership time and space. Cotham’s defence held firm throughout the first forty, giving Bream very little opportunities from set pieces, despite our scrum heading backwards. A couple of barrelling runs from their punchy number 8, and some strong fends from the 6 were duly stopped by stellar tackling from the forwards and the ever present pint-sized defensive demon, Damo. When they did work an overlap in open play, Burgess, Millership and Jimmy Cook marshalled them well, while Ben Higham put himself about as always, keeping their 13 – dubbed a tanned Jamie Roberts (possibly with less rugby pedigree) – quiet.

The half finished 0-0, with Cotham very much on top.

The second started with a bang also, this time from Bream. After a frustrating first forty for the hosts, they upped their game, realising that they had not yet unleashed their two best weapons – the driving maul, and their mammoth inside centre.

For the first 15 minutes, the latter was a potent threat. The burly 12 proving too big to handle for most of the Cotham 15, as he barged his way into the visitors 22. The resulting lineout and driving maul gave Bream their first points, and really their first sight of the tryline. Heads may have dropped temporarily as Cotham let another try in out wide after a well worked move.

The home 10 was also starting to pin Cotham back in their half as he used the wind to great effect. Dom, who had made some barrelling runs through the heart of Bream’s defence, was forced off with injury, his broken body finally giving up after a hard season returning from surgery, bringing Olly Squires’ puffing, panting rugby maniac into the fold. Charlie had found a new way to claim ball at the lineouts, scooping up wayward throws from both sides on numerous occasions at the back, giving Cotham some quick ball to push into the Bream half. The front five continued their stellar work at the breakdown, limiting the penalty count as best they could.

Opportunities for Cotham where coming thick and fast from kick returns: Marcus collected a wayward Bream chip on the right before weaving and winding his way around (to cries of “he’s lost” from Colesy on the touchline) and releasing the backs; while a well-placed high hoof from Ricky was collected by a leaping Matt Ace, like an overweight salmon, giving us go-forward on the left. The visiting defence had tightened up also, Jonny Kiwi putting in a brutal hit on his opposite number, crunching the poor fellow as he fell to the ground, Ben Higham hitting everything that moved in midfield and Charlie Ashcroft putting his body on the line against bigger men time and time again. After earlier missed tackles on his opposite number, Matt Ace also got in on the action with a full speed hit on the Bream 7, even earning himself a pat on the back from his victim.

Elliott had also entered the fray and proceeded to go on a few jinking runs of his own, but Cotham would be punished again by Bream’s forward power, conceding two further tries as a result. One of which ended with a rather comedic exchange with a female Bream supporter behind our tryline, who told us to “have that”, and “that number 4 needs to play rugby and stop moaning” – referring to Sagey not taking too kindly to being punched by the Bream 8 at every single ruck; a failed attempt to stroke Sagey baby-soft skin I reckon. Her anger was quickly dispelled via a few laughs and some polite cries of “ssshhhh, calm down lady!”...

24-0 down, and although the game was up, Cotham would put together one final flourish. Working our way out of our 22 from another lineout steal, the forwards made hard yards before Damo released the ever-eager backs; Matt Ace going on a winding, penetrating run deep into Bream territory before the move pittered out.

The game ended, and Cotham held their heads high, giving Bream a good game with a makeshift front row and off the back of a series of shocking losses.

We have ended the season in an ultimately disappointing league position. But the truth of it is that the spirit and heart of the 1st XV through a difficult period has not ceased. And every player came off that field on Saturday feeling proud after an enjoyable game of rugby. It bodes well for next season that when we play with freedom, and players are willing to express themselves, we can go to a top of the table team and really take the game to them. In truth with a front row made of actual front rowers, that scoreline could have been the other way round.

Thanks and well done to Marcus, John Williams and Kiwi for stepping up on Saturday, and thanks to all those who have put a shift in at 1, 2 or 3 this season.

Gents, it’s been a pleasure, enjoy the summer, see you next season.

Matt Ace