1. Timma (nearly as fat as Ginna)
2. Filled to the Brimblecoombe
3. Quosi
4. Ben “ I’m going to knock you out” Collins
5. Chris Notley (Victor’s smaller, paler cousin)
6. “So you work at a special school? Didn’t you teach Dom?”
7. Bill Ashcroft
8. What would Victor do?
9. Alf
10. I had a sheep for Christmas
11. Spam Burgess
12. Jack “do you guys drink on tour?” Kelly
13. Cinnamon and spice and all things nice
14. David Elliott-Triggle- Wells-Bottom
15. Young Rupert

16. Jonny ten fingers
17. Jonny Bald Booth
18. ALISTARRRR

The day started with an early pitch inspection with Terry giving the thumbs up that the game could go ahead. For once it was dry and the sun was shining, a little nippy out, but a glorious winter’s day.

Cotham turned up at the mighty Failand barracks eager to get out on the pitch and into the warm up. The players were in good spirits and the mood was light, even if the players weren’t after the festive season. The warm up went well but it did feel like we were missing something….Oh yes! The opposition! A couple of phone calls were made and it was confirmed they were on their way in their Spartan fun bus. By 2.15 a couple of their supporters had turned up, a tad perplexed as to how the team wasn’t here yet. Anyway, to cut a shit story short, the delightful Spartans turned up at 2.30pm and had a thorough 15 minute warm up. Cotham won the toss and skipper Dom Carroll made the excellent decision to play down the pitch with the blinding, dropping sun behind us. Park new the first 20 minutes would be crucial and they needed to take full advantage of the hopefully, heavy-legged opposition.

It took a mere five minutes for the men in black and white to draw first blood. A strong Cotham scrum set the platform for Victor to pick up at the base, dance around the opposition, breaking tackle after tackle, before crashing over for a glorious try. 5 – 0. He tried the same a while later in the half only to run into the ref before dotting the ball down. The ref blew up and called him back saying “Don’t target me! You don’t run at me!” Bemused, the try was disallowed.

The second try wasn’t too far away though. After the subsequent kick off, some good handling in the backs and some delightful nudges from Andy’s left boot soon saw Park back in Spartan’s half. Good pressure was applied to their lineout leaving them with scrappy ball which was flung to their fly half. Charlie smashed him causing the ball to be spilled which was then hacked on towards their fullback. He scooped up the ball, attempted to clear but was charged down by the mighty frame of Old spice. Nice ‘n Spicy gathered the loose ball and dotted down over the whitewash.

15 minutes gone, 10 – 0 up, happy days!

Ben seemed to now be their favourite target for kick offs and he delighted in running back at the men in red with a gleam in his eye and froth round his mouth. Rucks followed and the ball soon came out to the backs. Sammy “Spam” burgess made some awesome yards down the right wing bouncing tacklers off him for fun taking Cotham deep into the Spartans half. Another ruck and Bouncer zipped the ball out to Taff at 10 who had a choice of forwards to pop to. Fortunately he couldn’t decide who should have it, held onto it, and skipped through the weak defence himself, dotting down under the posts. Extras added, 17 – 0.

Another Spartan kick off, and this one went backwards, a Ricky special you might say. We won the scrum restart and the backs looked lively in open play. Rupert scythed through the opposition before offloading to big Ben who made a good 30yd dash for the line only to be brought down short. In Spartan’s eager defence they conceded the penalty for killing the ball and Andy slotted another 3 points.

Next kick off was business as usual, straight to Ben. Rucks occurred, dog balls followed and then a penalty to Cotham against Spartans for….er….cheating. Dom nodded for the corner and Henson’s boot put us 10 yards out from the Spartan line, in the middle of Molehill corner. The lineout was executed perfectly; jump, lift, throw, catch; beautiful! Victor secured the ball from Ben, Dom secured the ball from Victor and the Mighty Ducks flying V was formed. See ya later Spartans, its bonus try time!
Extras? Yes please. 27 - 0

The half was drawing to a close and try number 5 wasn’t far off. After a couple of rucks around the half way, Skippy threw the ball out to Boyo who stepped around the opposition. Support runners were aplenty creating a 4 on 1 against their full back. Barry Island popped inside to Saffron who strolled over for his second score.

Half time 34-0

In the second half they scored a crap try when we dosed off and Victor got binned for flopping around on the ball like a limp dick, whilst maintaining full eye contact with the referee.

Final score Cotham 34, Spartans 5

Dick of the day – Spartan’s loose head prop for accusing Mr Sutherland of pinching him in the scrums and repeated use of the phrase “I’m going to knock you out” without backing it up with any physical violence.

Man of the match – Big Ben for good strong yards and not being punched by the loose head prop.

Tries
Victor, Andy, Dom, Luke 2
Andy 3 conversions and 1 penalty