GHRFC 34 -10 UCL 2's

This report begins with an apology from the GHRFC media team.It has been 2 weeks since the last match report from either team, and we shudder to think what such an absence of mirth has done to your lives. It is an unforgivable crime and one that only a lengthy coming out post can resolve. Mide will be posting shortly. What this does mean however is that you will be getting 3 reports at once - prepare yourselves.

GHRFC 31 - 11 Imperial Meds
Pros: First forward try of the year for birthday boy LCJ, Dec almost scores the best try ever seen in a Guy's shirt, Shit on Mary's
Cons: James Kemp takes another 10 minutes in the bin for his anger issues (seek counselling), Dec almost scores the best try ever seen in a Guy's shirt

GHRFC 24 - 31 Kent
Pros: Dominated in scrum, line-out, defence and attack
Cons: Still lost

Onto the game in question. Guy's arrived in high spirits, well rested after their Monday night off and in a state of pre-game excitement, mostly attributable to the McDonalds they'd spotted at Stratford station. This was no ordinary game however. This game was the first round of the BUCS cup, a competition whose magic is often appropriated by football commentators when talking about the far smaller and less reputable "FA" Competition. To take another previously stolen phrase (from the bible no less! Is nothing beyond these savages?) this was a real David and Goliath fixture with UCL sitting near the bottom of the league below, and Guy's were hoping to avoid an upset. Having not played a UCL side in years the Guy's men were unsure to expect, and when you come up against an institution that is seemingly too clever to give itself a proper name this mystery is ever heightened. To ease this fear I will be suggesting new, more fitting, names for the University (College?) throughout this report.

The game kicked off and Guy's began to set up their attack. The forwards started an 80 minute assault that would make even messrs Spacey and Weinstein envious. Each carry was sucking in multiple opposition defenders giving the backs lots of space and time with which to knock the ball on. In truth there were unforced errors in every position from the Guy's men who, despite Capt. Ridley's multiple pre-game cries of "Fucking lift it boys" (add it to the bingo card Marcus), did not appear particularly mentally prepared for the fixture. Luckily the scrum was going Guy's way with multiple metres and turnovers gained at each set piece. Some say they even saw a smile creeping on Freddie Green's face after one such encounter but he later revealed it was due to the fact it would be at least a year before he'd have to return to maker and breaker of dreams - Porky's BBQ. This pattern loomed for the first 20 minutes with Guy's showing their superiority in talent but having nothing to show for it. The first decisive moment then came. The Guy's tighthead hit a line off his Front Row Union associate Ridley, breaking through a couple of tackles to waddle over the line. UCL (Undone by Calum Luke) looked pleased to have lasted this long, but bigger and bigger holes were starting to open up in their defence. Marco Marcello, though sad to not be pulling on his favoured 1 shirt, was tearing it up in the midfield - brushing off tackles and stepping fullbacks at will. After one such effort, after gaining about 30 metres he offloaded to Ridley who made a break for the corner. He opened up his legs but like a rocket league car without any boost the acceleration didn't appear to be coming. He was eventually brought down by a collision with the opposition winger that left him as sweaty and disorientated as our flat 15 minute stroll to KCH each day. His head clearly wasn't all there, as he elected to scrummage for the next 5 or so penalties in a row, a decision that any self respecting Front Rower wouldn't dream of - although it did seal the second try for Guy's as Number 8 Marcus Borup fell on the ball after the UCL (Unanimous Cervical Lacerations) scrum disintegrated. From the kick off fresher debutant Thomas Lehmann gathered the ball and made a tenacious run at the oncoming defenders, the ball disappearing from his hands just before he reached them in an example of the sleight of hand that has gained him campus wide fame. Seconds later it reappeared . . . being kicked along the ground by an opponent, who slid in for UCL's (Unintentionally Close Losers) very lucky first try of the game. Sacré bleu! Despite their dominance Guys went into the break only 1 try up, with the realisation that something had to change soon.

After a good hard look at themselves Guy's restarted the game, knowing they had to be more clinical. The game was fairly open, still with a lot of mistakes and it took a moment of individual skill to get it going once more. A well crafted backs move gave Malachi Connolly space on the wing and, unlike Ridley's earlier attempt, he turned on the after burners to gas the opposition winger before racing under the posts. Some have suggested this may have redeemed his fraternising with the enemy a week before. The GHRFC media team await a written apology to clear up this matter. Guy's were still working hard at the setpiece and, evoking the Jim Abbott Award values of creativity and the other two, the forwards elected to take a try from the line-out to mix things up a bit. A maul was set up on the 22 that would made "Big" Jim Hamilton proud, and a clever peel move off the left allowed Ridley to slide over for Guy's 4th. James Kemp kicked 2 conversions in the game, but I'm a shit team-mate so don't know when they were so we'll let that bit of information sit awkwardly here.The UCL (Unconventionally Close-mouthed Lads - sorry) crowd had gone very quiet by this point with earlier cries of "Turn the screw UC" and "5 points in it boys!" seeming like very distant memories. Joining this number were the two starting props, who I can only imagine were very happy to get off the field, being replaced by two men as tall as their predecessors had been wide. Their scrummaging skills were of a similar quality however, and Ridley went back to his tried and tested strategy of scrumX5. While the backs presumably froze the packs battled, not aided by the ref's interesting take on the scrum laws. Eventually he seemed to give up, allowing Borup to touch down once more after another strong forward drive. We got another try from Dr Sparkhall before the game was up, which the touchline including myself missed because the UCL (UCI'm regretting this time-eating choice of wordplay) player's were struggling to establish which balls were theirs as they headed off for an early shower (There was in fact no fire drill, I can inform the travelling fans). In the end the victory was comfortable for Guy's and their cup run goes on - GFTC.

Abbott award goes to self-proclaimed "loose bloke" (never forgotten) Marco Marcello who carried tirelessly all game and put in some sizeable hits. Gg no re.

2 first names