Cranbrook 2 10-17 Elthamians 3

Old Elthamian’s 3s headed to Cranbrook on a drizzly Saturday afternoon with only 14 men in tow. Fifteen minutes before kick-off, the forward pack were disheartened to hear that Cranbrook could not field a full front row and so scrums were uncontested from the start. The writer would like to apologise in advance for being massively biased and any lapses in play were due to official water girl duties or playing with Stanley the dog.

OE's didn't have the best start but a couple of minutes in found their feet, and started to become more aggressive in the pack. A few misplaced kicks from the backline kept the Cranbrook fullback on his toes and meant that the 3's had to prove themselves in defence. A steady passage of play saw Elthamians stay in the Cranbrook’s 22 and ten minutes in Rawlings runs over a try. Unconverted.

The forwards continued to make their mark in the rucks, with Devo turning over plenty of ball. Cranbrook's fullback continues to charge at the OE's defensive line but doesn't quite break through. Scrum awarded to OE's from a discrepancy in the ruck and our own fullback Charlie gets into the game; a beautiful pass along the back line see's OE's wake up in the backs. Cranbrook begin to fight back and aggressively attack OE's within their own 22, kudos to the forwards who manage to hold off Cranbrook from getting a try for a good 7 minutes through some great defensive play. Ball is turned over and Bridges hoofs it down the pitch.

25minutes in and OE's suffer a loss in numbers as Lewis is yellow carded for a (personally questionable) tackle on Cranbrook. A kick from the penalty lands the ball in touch and Cranbrook execute a wonderful line, Rawlings proves his worth as winger as he expertly dumps a Cranbrook centre making a break. This does not stop the opposition who continue to fight and eventually get a try 35minutes in (Did I mention we only had 13 men?) A good restart by OE's sees a lineout stolen by Evan, Stiggs kicks down the pitch (something happens here to result in a 22 drop out, I think I was preoccupied by the dog) Lewis is back on the field. Nothing notable happens here, writer attempts humour with touchline and fails. It's finally half time!

Score 5v5

After a half time match talk by Captain Carter, not to be confused with Coach Carter; Elthamians restart with more vigour than they began with. Ball is kicked into touch and Cranbrook win the lineout and kick back down into touch just past halfway. A sprightly Stiggs collects the ball, does a self-lineout and legs it back up the pitch, offloading to one of the forwards. Some punchy play by the pack gains more ground and enables Fish to get the ball cleanly out from a ruck. Wonderful hands and powerful running from the backline lets Rawlings run over his second try at 47minutes. Unconverted. 10v5

For the next 12 minutes there is a lot of sloppy play from both sides; dropped balls, missed tackles. Despite the sh*t shovelling, OE's manage to kick a stray ball towards their try line. Cranbrook run it over, thus giving OE's the scrum. Once again the forwards over power Cranbrook and allow Louis to smash through the defense and score under the posts. A soft kick see's Bridges convert and the score is brought to 17v5.

Cranbrook restart and the ball falls snugly into the arms of Gallagher; a wonderfully timed offload allows Neil to get a run out as he charges up the pitch. More rucking from the forwards and the ball is free for Fish. Lewis cuts an insane line and smashes through several players up to the 22, a little offload to Stiggs gains more ground. Ball is turned over at a ruck and charged down kick leading to a scrum to Cranbrook. Their attack is foiled by a smash tackle into touch from Evan. OE's win the lineout and Cranbrook try to counter ruck; whilst attempting to referee the game themselves. Tempers arise and handbags are out, no fighting just yet. After the barney, the scrum is awarded to Elthamians. Fish passes to Stiggs who then spins a miss pass across the width of the pitch which is caught by Rawlings. The slipperly conditions causes the speeding winger to slip and career head first into an oppositions knee. Break in play as we assess whether he is alive. All's well and play continues but with Elthmians now down to 13 men. A stray ball from a ruck is chased by the prop, Bott, but unfortunately it rolls over the dead ball.

Cranbrook make a good break as they run from one 22 to the other. Brief stint of kicking tennis and more tempers are raised. A fight nearly breaks out but OE's keep their cool. Fish's Dad makes a very good point from the touchline "Play you rugby you stupid person!" Play is halted as tampons are reinserted and lipstick reapplied. Penalty is kicked to touch. Lineout is not straight, scrum to Cranbook. Ball is then held up, another halt in play. Opposition flanker accidentally throws ball at referee. Ball kicked into touch, Cranbrook win lineout but the scrum half is smashed by Neil, Elthamians given the penalty for cranbrook coming over the top, Stiggs takes it quickly and passes nicely to Fish. Another penalty, this time against OE's. Think the team is knackered by this point as there are several missed tackles and they allow the Cranbrook winger to run sideways and score a try in the corner (we won't mention Lewis falling over) 70mins, score is 17v10. (Just to reiterate we had 13 men)

A terrible restart awards a scrum to Cranbrook, and their forwards march a maul down the pitch. Not sure of the full details here, but Gallaher is involved in a three man tackle. A couple of seconds later the touchline watch in slow motion as Gallaher does an incredible impression of a tree being felled. Elthamians are down to 12 men. OEs take a scrum, more boring kicking. Writer misses a few minutes of the game due to tending to the invalid. On looking up OE's win over the ball as Cranbrook pass to Louis. With Lewis on his tail more ground is made; unfortunately some unsportsmanlike play (intentionally throwing the ball out) see's Cranbrook awarded a penalty. Although they are all blowing out of their arses, Elthamians manage to secure the ball and bridges kicks into touch.

Final score 17v10.

Next week is the 3's first league game of the season against Bromley. Come down and show your support and perhaps offer some advice to this rookie match report writer.

(1) Karl Roche (2) Neil Carter (3) Dan Bott (4) Paul Gallaher (5) Louis Jones (6) Jordan Devo (7) Evan Trevett (8) Mark ‘Vidal’ Barnard (9) Alex Fisher (10) Simon Stiggear (11) James Rawlings (12) Lewis Gaboardi (13) James Bridges (14) Charlie Nagel