Manchester witnessed unbelievable scenes at the Poker Night after party as ‘safe’ hands Andy Lunt struck out at genuine nice-guy Matt Murphy. Witnesses have reported that Lunt became more withdrawn as the evening wore on, vomiting on himself before losing the ability to speak around 9.00pm. One observer noted Lunt was ‘being scary...staring and laughing’. This was unbeknown to Murphy, whose reward for offering Lunty relief from Collard and Greg Lee (in the form of inviting him for a ‘walkabout’) was to receive a strong right hook to the eyeball. Any rumours of problems pulling the Old Mancs 3rd team squad apart were quashed as players have officially gone to press describing these violent scenes as ‘classic’, ‘so funny’, ‘so awesome’, and ‘textbook’. Lunt, speaking on Sunday morning, strongly condemned his actions, describing himself as ‘a fucking dick’ and apologising profusely to Murphy, who, in turn seemed to enjoy being twatted in the name of the club, saying ‘it made for a good night!’.

The evenings hostilities have created a perverse paradox on social media; the love of mindless violence has created squad unity, which is seemingly leading to a squad mutiny. Clearly this kind of Neanderthal behaviour is only strengthening the nature of the Old Mancs squad, with Facebook petitions for Lunty to batter other members of the club in the name of a good time; crucially however, club members have only voted 3rds and 4ths captains Ali McMullan and Ste Riley to be leathered by the Old Mancs mad-man. Speculation is rife about what the outcome of this Facebook crusade will be – perhaps the players will laugh it off on Tuesday and Wednesday, or maybe, just maybe, a new Mancs mentality will leave McMullan and Riley picking their teeth up off the floor long after the floodlights have gone out on their last session as valued Old Mancs captains.

Better sort it out boys!

Another foul-up to Mac-mull over...

The 4th team dressing room was left in a state of shock following an almost admirable show of incompetence by Captain Ali McMullen. The squad turned up keen to follow up with their impressive 7-1 win last week. And while the squad turned up for a game of football, Captain Ali turned up without nets, flags, a team-sheet, or, indeed, a kit to play in. Perhaps it was a subliminal cry to set up an Old Mancs one-bounce team instead of actually playing football; perhaps it was just shite. But being shite isn’t escapable any more lads!

Ratti-gate

Jason Rattigan was left in a haze of delusion last Saturday after being informed that the rest of his squad were meeting at ‘home’ for a fixture. After walking to the Armitage for a punctual 1.00, he was informed by 2nd team manager Dean Walker that ‘home’ was in fact 3 miles away near the motorway. Hilariously, this was due to a ‘crossing of wires’ whereby the entire 4th team squad were informed as to the correct location by Skipper(s) McMullan and Marshall, and Jase just wasn’t! Thankfully, Mr Mancunian Andy Winwood drove back to pick up the stranded winger who ended up contributing to a successful afternoon. Talk about going from the sublime to the ridiculous (do you get the irony lads, do you get it???!!!)

Collard! Se1 Ep1...

Everyone’s favourite comedy alcoholic chipped in with some genuine lunacy this Saturday morning. Following the theme of captains not quite leading by example this week, Collard went out after finishing work of-a-Friday and came home at around 8 am the following morning. Before going to play an important mid-table clash in Radcliffe, the football-hating winger booked himself a ‘refresher’ driving lesson which he was excited to go on after approximately 14 hours of solid drinking. Announcing these career ending intentions on Facebook (not wise), Collard articulately defended himself (as if already facing the judge) by saying (actual quote)‘ Drink driving is despicable & I actively frown upon partakers... but what's the score with drink learners? I'm not even a learner, what's the score with drunk 'refreshers'?? The instructors got me covered right?(sic)’. Luckily, the good news came in from Radcliffe that – unsurprisingly – their pitch was unplayable, and as such the game would be called off and the lads could get out on an all-dayer; and this turned out to be just about enough reason to cancel the driving instructor.

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