News & EventsLatest NewsCalendar
The 1-15 series - James Howard

The 1-15 series - James Howard

Sam Humphrey29 Jun 2020 - 08:28
Share via
FacebookTwitter
https://www.pitchero.com/clubs

But you'd be forgiven for thinking that's Dan Hill in the picture

Ever wonder what it'd be like if our union side suddenly started playing League?

No, we haven't either. But the only member of our squad thought to be older than Ian Armitage, James 'Twiggy' Howard, has and that's what counts in this weeks 1- erm...13?

He may have never hit a ruck or tackle but he's had a real go at this article so a certain amount of credit where credits due. Here is his mods dream team:

1. Dan Hill - This fella is to weak mentally to actually give it a go but if he did then he’d kill it. Yes he looks like your sister's boring boyfriend but god he’s amazing at cutting lines and returning kicks. The fact that he’s an average goal kicker means he’s top draw in the world of league. League is full of lads who let their mums cut their hair.

2. Micheal Sturla - Former miner's sons hate this fella, mainly because he tackles no higher than your shin, votes conservative and speaks in complete sentences. He has one hell of an engine but he will take a hit up on last tackle every time.

3. George Weston - Tough player for opposition league lads to handle. On one hand he’s a gobby c**t who has nicer hair than their girlfriends (cousin) but on the other hand he talks funny and tackles low. It’s a real conundrum. Oh wait he’s ginger, they hate him.

4. Scotty Robinson - Can shift for a fat lad. The highest praise you can get in league. Compares himself to Konrad Hurrell, actually looks and plays like Johnny Vegas.

5. Floris Van Oakel - A true modern winger. Unnaturally big, fast and keen. These are attributes that make him a nightmare on a night out but amazing on a rugby pitch.

6. Jez Howarth - Every league team needs a Kevin Brown. Dull as dishwater and probably owns a library card. Calms the ship and control the game with lots of talk and pinpoint kicking.

7. Ryan Martin - C**t, a real league player from the land of great unwashed. Playing union as some sort of community service me thinks. Gobby, abusive, shit hair, won’t tackle low... he’s a league star!

8. Lewis Cooper - A modern prop forward, in that he’s not fat and can pass. Another player who upsets lads on remand by tackling low. Hits lines like George Weston, maybe in a different way now I come to think of it.

9. Gary Cox - Hates playing there but he’s a natural. League lads tackle high and Gary isn’t up there to be touched. Causes havoc every time he runs. I’d have chicken little as my captain.

10. Kieran “Porky” Porter - Old school prop forward. Fat lad who thinks he can play standoff and kick goals. He can’t but he can run really fast downhill and split defences.

11. Robbie Macleod - Roams around the field being a nuisance, much like his off filed persona. Has a handoff that’s illegal in 27 countries and meets the league team punch quota.

12. Sam Love - Will gain respect from the opposition for being a painter and decorator, will lose it as soon as he speaks and tackles. Such a hard lad who’s re-enactment clobber closely matches game-day attire for Keighley teams.

13. Freddie Humphries - Another posh c**t who’s accent doesn’t go down well in the satellite towns of Leeds. His sheer size and offload game made him a nightmare to play against. Bit fussy when it comes to post-match mystery meats.

14. Luke Spencer - This lad's greatest attribute is that he has no visible attributes. For some unfathomable reason, he’s very difficult to tackle. This means that throwing him on after 20 minutes destroys tired defences.

15. Dan Couves - Ok, this should be illegal. Giving him 10m or 50m run ups is cruel. Allowing him to come in 3rd man is inhumane. He’s a big human, he’s the fella we talk about when we say “I’d be mint if I was that big”, he’s of Fev heritage... League hero.

End.

Just as a side note, if Floris wants his name spelt correctly in any of these articles, he's going to have to start using his full name on Facebook.

On another side note, Twiggy is one of our league converts who plays both codes split across the year. If you're a league lad who fancies having a go at union, you'll find something in common with quite a few of our current squad.

Pop down to pre-season training on the 16th July or DM us on Twitter for information about joining.

Further reading