Sat 11
Racal Decca
Croydon 2XV
M Jonkers, B Taylor
R Holmes (2)
“Didn’t even tell the Queen”: The Ben Act (5)

“Didn’t even tell the Queen”: The Ben Act (5)

By Alan Parry
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RDRFC vs Croydon 2XV

Like a child at Christmas, waking up to run downstairs and open their presents. Quincey too awoke
at rapid speed…. But unlike the child referred to…. Quincey rolled his ankle falling off the precipice
he calls his bed – this effectively ruled him out the game just hours before kick-off.

The day started like any other, blissfully breezy with a scattered shower’s forecasted for the south
east. However, today’s game had a slight undertone…. There was an eery feeling in the January air….
The sense of absolute dread…. Like when you’ve rumbled… but you know you can rebut, because
deep down you remember you was at Pizza express in Woking and you have a medical condition
where you don’t sweat.

In any case, the uneasy feeling about today’s game was there was sense of urgency to continue
Racal Decca’s resurgence (and winning form) against an opposition who had beaten the boys in blue
a few weeks earlier (Tolu’s fault mostly).

Things were further compounded by the fact New-Rob (making his debut for Decca) unfortunately
cried off with an injury during the warmup.

The game kicked off with Eddy-Ben-Arous knocking on at the start to give the away team some early
possession. Thankfully the scrum prowess of the tight five (Ashley, Hazard / Harri, Eddy, Father-2-
Sean, & Stroudenheisen) meant that the opposition couldn’t loiter too much on their put into the

Croydon failed to make their dominance count in the first 20mins of the half. This was in part due to
dynamic backrow of Red-Ben, Slim-fit-Nobby & Rio dominating the break down. Rio himself leading
with the stats with turnovers. It was like stealing from the blind, but also being courteous and
providing a receipt for the transaction.

Flyhalf today Robert-Tanaka gave the home team some great field position with long kicks
downfield. In one instance the opposition winger was driven over his try line to give Racal Decca an
attacking scrum. This unfortunately did not yield any score. Nobby was the closest but was driven
out in to touch after being inches from the try line.
Croydon eventually repelled the close encounter but were now overtly electing to get involved with
kicking-for-territory duels with Rob and World Champion-Jonkers.

Marc Jonkers did get the better hand of the duel and forced Croydon once again back to their try
line. Croydon not knowing the rule book. Set up a ruck on their goal line, but consequently moved
the ball in to the in-goal area (effectively removing the offside line). Jonkers dotted down and scored
his first try of his season on his first game back.
Tanka-Robert slotted the conversion with passion of a first love.

The lineouts were not functioning as well as could be…. Namely because the sense of direction for
the officiator was non-existent. Ben vented his frustrations with an illegal entry into a ruck…. to
which the ref requested to talk to the captain….. (The referee clearly forgetting Ben was making his
Racal Decca debut as captain). After a lengthy conversation between Ben and the Ref about whether
they thought Prince Andrew knew Epstein was a perverted peado. Ben received a yellow card –
Swedish-Larz resumed captaincy.

The second half continued in the same fashion. Croydon were starting to get wise to Racal Decca and
a stalemate ensued. The home team started to play a bit more champagne rugby with offloads, and
flailing arms everywhere. Hazzard, Sean-2, Nobby, Rich, Mitchell, & Stoudenheisen linking up very
well to make inroads. However, the possession and territory did not yield any additional points in
the opening 20 of the second half.

Sean-2-Chains, and Hippie Mike held up the Croydon no 8 for an attacking scrum to Decca once
again. This time round Ben capitalised on possession and forced his way over for Decca’s second
score of the game.
Tanaka-Holmes added the extras to make the score 14-0.
Seemingly beaten, Croydon did rally to have one more crack at the whip…. It was almost like a spark
had ignited loveless marriage, and the last resort was counselling and a visit to Ann Summers for
their Spring collection. On the 76 th minute Croydon got their rewards after a succession of penalties
finally gave them their try. The scrum half slotted the conversion and the away team knew that they
could snatch an underserving draw.

Robert-Tanaka thumped the ball downfield making sure that Croydon would have to play from deep.
After recycling the ball twice within their 22. The scrum half found a gap in the line and bounced off
3 tackles. There was now open green grass with only the fullback Jonkers to stop him. Jonkers didn’t
get a lot of purchase on the tackle but slowed the opposition scrum half enough because Columbian-
Lakka was chasing him down
The scrum half was caught by Lakka who ripped the ball and was in possession. However, the referee
adjudged the stand-in scrum half the he was holding on and gave a penalty to Croydon.
Racal Decca manned the barricades and raised the terror threat level to severe. Croydon had a
penalty just outside the 22 and were now in prime position to snatch a draw.
Mike Davies put in a thundering hit on the opposition number 8 and the ball was knocked on. Lakka
scooped the ball and booted it out to end the game.

This was not the final act however….. on the 86 th minute Ben found himself in an altercation and was
given a red card for some “aggressive behaviour” Ashley too was involved in the melee and as a
result damaged his fingers (whilst putting in the probably the best tackle ever seen of him)

After the game the referee spoke to both captains and to Red-Ben and later rescinded the red card
based on soul searching & personal reflection (and ultimately admitting he thought Prince Andrew
was a dodgy geezer too)

Racal Decca of Tolworth 14 – 7 Croydon 2’s
Scorers: Benjamin Taylor, WorldChampion-Jonkers
Conversion: Tanaka-Robert x 2

Racal Decca: 15; Jonkers, 14; Rodderick-Rich, 13; Hippie Mike, 12; FYB Inside Centre, 11; Rich, 10;
Woody-Tanaka, 9; German-Larz, 1; 2-Fingers-Ashley, 2; Harold (Harri), 3; Can’t-catch-Ed, 4; Father-
Phelan, 5; Stroudenheisen, 6; Red-Ben, 7; Rio-De Janeiro, 8; Slim-fit-Nobby

Subs: Ashley’s mate, Tim-Tolu (until a better nick name is found)

Injuries: Ashley’s fingers – 6-8 weeks & New Rob – 6-8 week’s

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Match details

Match date

Sat 11, Jan 2020